Author Topic: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.  (Read 2470 times)

Offline 510bhan

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Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« on: December 12, 2011, 03:10:14 PM »
Hi folks, a short story I need some help with. The couple have bought the home of a girl killed in a road accident on a notorious black spot near to where the property lies. They got a bargain. I don't want to reveal the dead girl yet [turns out she was a friend of someone they know]. Their first night in the house the dead girl's ghost contacts Isabel -- unfamiliar with all the country sounds. The horses aren't essential but I'm so stuck with what I've written, I can't see a reason why the protected land [important] is an asset for them. All help welcome. (The newspaper refers to the local accident, expanded on folowing this -- just in case you're wondering why it's mentioned.)

Frosses Road


Isabel squealed as her husband scooped his arm below her hips and tried to pick her up. “What are you doing, you eejit?”

“Jumping the broomstick.”

“Gary, you only carry your bride over the threshold on your first house together, not after ten years of marriage. Are you wise? ”

“But isn’t this our dream home? Go on let me.”

“Catch yourself on, there’s still unpacking to do.”

Gary gave a diffident shrug and returned to the back of the van to trail out more furniture.

Fortune favours the bold and the opportunity to purchase the property was too good to miss. Isabel and Gary didn’t ask any questions about the previous owner in their rush to secure the prime real estate. Having scrimped and saved, foregone luxuries for years, they had cash available. Their frugality and sacrifice paid off. The Gables suited their needs and offered acres of protected land for the horses they intended to buy.

Isabel and Gary heaved the last of the packing boxes into the kitchen, blotted perspiration from their brows and leant back against the granite counter. Isabel picked up an old newspaper near the sink and was about to throw it into the bin when the headlines caught her eye. “Ew, that’s a bit of a creepy welcome for someone moving in here.”

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2011, 04:00:41 PM »
Coming into this cold, and at a slight disadvantage with the regional diction, I'm not seeing a problem with the paragraph.

I do think there needs to be more of a segue from what is said in their conversation to what is stated in the paragraph.  

A transition / lead-in

EDIT: I also think you have an opportunity to show more drama here.

“Catch yourself on, there’s still unpacking to do.”

Gary gave a diffident shrug and returned to the back of the van to trail out more furniture.


(The fact that she brushed him off, not allowing him to romance her would cut to the quick.) maybe-maybe??
« Last Edit: December 12, 2011, 04:30:53 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline Dawn

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2011, 04:08:50 PM »
Eek ok, I've had a little go ;D

They had scrimped and saved, foregoing years of luxuries. Now their frugality and sacrifice had paid off. However, in a rush to secure and complete on-time nobody endeavoured to find out about the previous owners. The Gables suited their needs in more ways than one,  and at the time that was all that concerned them.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2011, 04:17:10 PM »
Thanking you! ;) ;) ;)

The jumping the broomstick and stuff is required for the 'magic'/pagan beliefs/followers of nature later. Also wanted to give a hint at the age of the couple [mention of 10 years married] -- not young newlyweds, not retired -- half-sensible 30 somethings maybe.

I'll think about the drama.

Cheers! :)

Offline heidi52

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2011, 04:39:32 PM »
Hi Sio
Nice start to the story. I have to question the broomstick reference though. My belief was that a similar term was used by gypsies, but it is more commonly thought of as being of african descent and, in all cases, denotes an "Unofficial"  marriage.

Is that your intent, that they have been together but not "legally" married? If so I would change broom to besom, as that is the term used for the 'broom" used in "handfasting" ceremonies. Of course, those too are unofficial unions.
But that begs the question, are the MC couple pagan?

If you are looking for a symbol for witchcraft, where they are not personally involved, perhaps they find an inverted broom by the door. Bristles up, it is an invitation for witches to enter the home.

Just my thoughts, use or discard as you wish.    ;D ;D ;D
« Last Edit: December 12, 2011, 04:41:31 PM by heidi52 »

Wolfe

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2011, 04:48:14 PM »
Careful. 'Jumping the broom' has a very different meaning in the States with the African-American community. I'll admit, when I read that it confused the heck out of me.

For those completely confused, 'jumping the broom' is what slaves did in the United States in order to become married. Since slave owners wouldn't allow a 'ceremonial' wedding, this is what slaves did.

This tradition continues with people of color to this day if they are aware of the history. I attended a wedding in a park where the couple 'jumped the broom' last summer.

Word to the wise.

Edit: I see Heidi beat me to it.  ;)
« Last Edit: December 12, 2011, 04:49:52 PM by Wolfe »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #6 on: December 12, 2011, 05:56:51 PM »
Crikey -- cultural differences! ;D ;D ;D The Celts were a bit further back in history than 1600s slaves. Shall have a thinksies.

Thanks alfiemama and Wolfe. ;) ;) ;)


Sam Cooper

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #7 on: December 12, 2011, 06:22:56 PM »
In regards to a reason the couple needs, besides the horses, why the land would be an asset to keep?

I think you said they will know the girl, does protected mean that she is haunting that area? or protected by the government from development?

If it is the girl who is protecting that spot, and she died there. If her connection to the couple is very close, maybe she introduced them unknowningly to them both, or something like that, just an importance to keep the last remains of her life in tact - it being in risk because of a planned road construction, a changing that would change the landscape where the girl died, and therefore rend her ghost to oblivion. The couple could fight to save the road.

This is only in response to what I think you asked. They could exploit the ghost also, to help out their business gone sour.

I've never heard of the broom thing, but things like that have to be considered when marketing.

Sam

Offline Dawn

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #8 on: December 12, 2011, 06:32:34 PM »
Sorry Sio, I misread your question. I thought you asked for help with the wording. I will have a little think.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #9 on: December 12, 2011, 06:35:16 PM »
You're along the right lines Sam. The Frosses is a notorious accident area. I'm exploring the possibility that accidents in the protected peatlands through which it crosses might be down to nature rather than poor/bad driving. The dead can't tell you what happened and not all fatalities were the result of excessive speed, DUI or anything else ususally responsible for RTAs.

1500 trees were planted there in 1839 to prevent the road subsiding -- only 104 left. Lots chopped down. The dead girl's family used to farm the bog and she was a campaigner against the removal of the trees -- for an allegedly bigger/safer road that is proposed. It'll destroy the bog.

This is one of the shorts in a collection about local areas and their ghosts or unexplained deaths.

I might steal your premise, fits in quite nicely with what I already have.

Cheers Sam. ;) ;) ;) ;)
« Last Edit: December 12, 2011, 06:52:22 PM by 510bhan »

Offline Dawn

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2011, 06:37:59 PM »
How about because of their love for horses, there are stables or a livery on the land?
Alternatively, you could go even further, maybe one of them lived there as a child, or a relative, a great aunt or something, or actually could the girl be a distant relative. ;)

Anyway I am waffling now ::)
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #11 on: December 12, 2011, 06:39:08 PM »
Plenty of food for thought. Thanks. :)

Offline Dawn

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #12 on: December 12, 2011, 06:39:28 PM »
oops ignore mine, just read your post.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #13 on: December 12, 2011, 07:03:53 PM »
Thank you Sharon.

The property doesn't have to be called The Gables -- just something to suggest a substantial country house.

Any suggestions?

Offline Sharon L

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Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #14 on: December 12, 2011, 07:09:06 PM »
Don't know if this posted or not, so I'm trying again.... cheers!
Hope alfiemama's rewrite helped--I liked it.

Where I got stuck was when I read "The Gables" as I's and G's last name. Didn't catch the broom image conflict so I'm glad that was addressed--I read it from the Afric Amer slave perspective and didn't question, but perhaps there is a connection historically to the Celtic? (Passed down without anyone being able to really track the link?)  Anyway, here's more food for thought that I hope is helpful...

Fortune favours the bold and the opportunity to purchase tThe property opportunity was too good to miss. They had cash available so Isabel and Gary didn’t ask any questions about the previous owner in their rush to secure the prime real estate. Having scrimped and saved, and foregone luxuries for years, they had cash available. Ttheir frugality and sacrifice had finally paid off. The Gables property suited their needs and offered acres of protected land for the horses they intended to buy.


Sharon L. (PS Thx for your comments on my last two posts!) 8)