Author Topic: acupuncture  (Read 1523 times)

Offline 13moonstreams

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acupuncture
« on: December 10, 2011, 12:49:47 AM »
   
    The ocean will dry up soon enough,
    for your eyes have stopped weeping for me.

    I'll gently osculate my own demise,
    and caress the cheeks of this foreboding adversity–
    which will gladly hurl me astray,
    farther apart,
    from you my lovely.

    My auburn imp;
    you're the pins that make me move,
    or the gleaming lamp-posts around the edges of the park.
    The snow that  holds the streets of Denmark tightly,
    when Winter comes for us.





   ::last one, I promise! o: ::

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: acupuncture
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2011, 09:46:30 AM »
There's something I like abouit this 13. Its too dopily romantic for my taste as writ, but it
does have some good images. You overuse discriptors with unnecessary
adjectives which tends to dilute your message.

See edit below, and any suggestions I make are just my opinion and preference
nothing more or less -





The ocean will dry up soon enough,
    for your eyes have stopped weeping for me.  (I would cut this line. Too poetically blah)

    I'll gently osculate my own demise,      
    and caress the cheeks of this foreboding adversity–
    which will gladly hurl me astray,
    farther apart,
    from you my lovely.   (I would cut these last 2 lines, ending on "astray".

    My auburn imp;
    you're the pins that make me move,  (pins reminds me of legs but I get the acupuncture theme)
    or the gleaming lamp-posts around the edges of the park. (nice)
    The snow that  holds the streets of Denmark tightly,
    when Winter comes for us.  (nice)



« Last Edit: December 10, 2011, 09:58:08 AM by SparkyDashforth »

Offline BrambleRGray

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Re: acupuncture
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2011, 01:02:59 PM »
Good Morning Hon,

I do really like your poem, though it might be a bit too early for me to truly "get" the acupuncture reference exactly.

I think you could expand on this a little bit more if you wanted... maybe show us a bit more about this imp or adversary of yours?

Just my thoughts early this morning.

Have an awesome day!

B. Rose. 

Offline 510bhan

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Re: acupuncture
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2011, 01:11:28 PM »
    The ocean will dry up soon enough,
    for your eyes now you have stopped weeping for me.

    I'll gently osculate my own demise,
    and caress the cheeks of this foreboding adversity–
    which will gladly hurl me astray,
    farther apart,
    from you my lovely.

    My auburn imp;
    you're the pins that make me move,
    or the gleaming lamp-posts around the edges of the park.
    The snow that holds the streets of Denmark tightly,
    when Winter comes for us.

 :) :) :) :)

Ah well -- sure doesn't life go on? :)

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: acupuncture
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2011, 10:53:02 AM »
On reflection I come to like those first two lines.
Very romantic but I like the cadence. 

Offline bowmore bill

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Re: acupuncture
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2011, 02:49:30 PM »
   
    The ocean will dry up soon enough,
    for your eyes have stopped weeping for me.

    I'll gently osculate my own demise,
    and caress the cheeks of this foreboding adversity–
    which that will gladly hurl me astray,
    farther apart,
    from you my lovely.

    My auburn imp;
    you're the pins that make me move,
    or the gleaming lamp-posts around the edges of the park.
    The snow that  holds the streets of Denmark tightly,
    when Winter comes for us.





  ::last one, I promise! o: ::   Enjoyed this one, i think the comments made were valid

                                       Don't know if i got this editing thing right, first time i have tried it xxx
« Last Edit: December 15, 2011, 02:54:17 PM by bowmore bill »

Offline bravestone

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Re: acupuncture
« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2011, 10:06:42 AM »
this is abstract poetry, and as such should be much more lyrical.  Bill is on the right track with his edits.  

I'd delete the adverbs and adjectives and strengthen the nouns and verbs.  Add them back in, only if needed and if you can use them to develop a better cadence.  Read it aloud- hear the poem. It should sing and wow.

The mixed metaphors also need looked at.  They aren't an unforgivable sin, in abstract poetry, but they can pull the reader into too many directions for the poem to flow as well as an abstract should.  (one of my biggest struggles!)

Good luck!

Ian

« Last Edit: December 21, 2011, 10:22:04 AM by bravestone »