Author Topic: The Tribute Goat  (Read 1633 times)

Offline 13moonstreams

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
The Tribute Goat
« on: December 09, 2011, 07:31:41 PM »
   Far from the set of stones that form your pedestal
   I raise my arms to catch you as you backslide
   This Evening-star destined to evaporate descends.  
  
    A choir conformed by the defeated
    chants a peculiar melody
    as your presence infiltrates their plane:

   “One worthy sacrifice,
    and we will let you through our master's gate.”
  
     I offer myself as the tribute goat.
     Let Hades unshackle you from this wretched destiny.
     I will wait for Acheron's boat        
     to cast you safely back to me.
« Last Edit: December 10, 2011, 12:37:36 AM by 13moonstreams »

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: The Tribute Goat
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2011, 07:39:57 PM »
Not many folk are as into Greek mythology as there used to be. Classics tend to be an elitist, erudite thing . . . Could be meaningless to those unfamiliar with the story/characters. :-[

Offline 13moonstreams

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: The Tribute Goat
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2011, 07:44:44 PM »
Not many folk are as into Greek mythology as there used to be. Classics tend to be an elitist, erudite thing . . . Could be meaningless to those unfamiliar with the story/characters. :-[

Good call, well they can always investigate about it either way if they're interested. Thanks for your criticism.

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3837
Re: The Tribute Goat
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2011, 10:35:44 PM »
I don't believe its always necessary to understand every aspect of a poem in order to respond to it in some way--especially when dealing with classical or ancient themes that may even be embedded in the collective memory. I constantly question the role of the reader---how much are we responsible for? I believe the arts have a right to demand an educated audience to some degree.

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: The Tribute Goat
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2011, 10:43:46 PM »
Sorry -- while wittering on about possibly alienating your audience, I forgot to say I liked it! :)

Not sure about the word choice 'conformed' maybe comprised of? or formed?

Proceeds on -- sounds slightly jarring. Do you mean continues? Maybe just 'chants a peculiar meoldy'. Don't think that 'somewhat' is needed -- takes away from the spectacle IMO. ;)

 :) :) :)

Offline SparkyDashforth

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3801
Re: The Tribute Goat
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2011, 10:47:27 PM »
I agree with Lynda
but confess that I must have missed this show when it last aired on the History Channel.
Something about the river of death I suppose.
Reading the poem I think it needs a little trim here and there -


   Far from the set of stones that form your pedestal
   I raise my arms to catch you as you backslide suddenly  
   This Evening-star destined to evaporate eventually descends.  
  
    A choir conformed by the defeated and the slain
    chants a peculiar melody
    as your presence infiltrates their plane:

   “One worthy sacrifice,
    and we will let you through our master's gate.”
  
     Thus, I offer myself as the tribute goat.
     Let Hades unshackle you from this wretched destiny.
     I will wait for Acheron's boat        
     to cast you safely back to me.
 

 

Offline 13moonstreams

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: The Tribute Goat
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2011, 12:34:18 AM »
I agree with Lynda
but confess that I must have missed this show when it last aired on the History Channel.
Something about the river of death I suppose.
Reading the poem I think it needs a little trim here and there -


   Far from the set of stones that form your pedestal
   I raise my arms to catch you as you backslide suddenly  
   This Evening-star destined to evaporate eventually descends.  
  
    A choir conformed by the defeated and the slain
    chants a peculiar melody
    as your presence infiltrates their plane:

   “One worthy sacrifice,
    and we will let you through our master's gate.”
  
     Thus, I offer myself as the tribute goat.
     Let Hades unshackle you from this wretched destiny.
     I will wait for Acheron's boat        
     to cast you safely back to me.
 

 



I knew you could help, Spark! (I was waiting for your tips. Now on to change it!)

Offline 13moonstreams

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: The Tribute Goat
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2011, 12:34:52 AM »
Sorry -- while wittering on about possibly alienating your audience, I forgot to say I liked it! :)

Not sure about the word choice 'conformed' maybe comprised of? or formed?

Proceeds on -- sounds slightly jarring. Do you mean continues? Maybe just 'chants a peculiar meoldy'. Don't think that 'somewhat' is needed -- takes away from the spectacle IMO. ;)

 :) :) :)

Will take it into consideration 5io :)

Offline SparkyDashforth

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3801
Re: The Tribute Goat
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2011, 10:51:15 AM »
  "I raise my arms to catch you as you backslide"

when you come to revise
I would you suggest that you change "backslide" to slide
as the word had a double meaning. unless you actually meant to revert to la ess positive attitude.

Cheers