Author Topic: Treasured Possession  (Read 1807 times)

Offline jono25

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Treasured Possession
« on: January 30, 2006, 09:19:56 PM »
Hi all,

This is the prologue for a novel I'm in the final stages of editing.  Your comments would be appreciated.

“He’s gone to a better place. Poor child…” Mrs O’Connor’s greying coiffure bobbed sagely. The still morning air was heavy with grief and the trees on Rectory Avenue bowed majestically as if in recognition of another transient mortal.

"Thank God he’s no longer suffering.  He is at peace, isn’t he?”  Her companion’s troubled eyes sought a solace Rob was unable to give.  Instead, he patted her arm and watched them file past with fellow mourners. 

All very well if the deceased were a dearly loved pet who fully lived out its years.  But Joshua Clayton was a seventeen-year-old sociology student who woke up one morning with a headache.  His family’s plans for a dream holiday in Australia were put on hold while they waited for the doctor’s verdict on the excruciating pains.

A malignant tumour.  Vicious and merciless.  It ate away at the boy and relentlessly damaged the faith of those around him.

It’s not supposed to end.  Not this way!  Rob wanted to yell out to the pallbearers as they’d hoisted the coffin onto their sombrely clad shoulders.

But he was powerless.  Nothing he’d read, seen, or experienced changed the inevitable.

***

The hubbub in the smoke-filled café faded into barely discernible crooning from the miniature CD player in the back end of the room.
The woman had that effect every time she walked into a room.  The men did a double-take at first glance, then spent the rest of the evening trying to catch her eye, while the females closely marked their male companions with kicks under the table and wondered why nature blatantly played favourites.

She took no notice, scanning the place instead for her assignment.  There he was – preening, adjusting his tie, and straightening his hair in anticipation.  He wiggled at the red carnation in the left pocket of his shiny suit. 

His idiotic smile turned her stomach. This would be too easy. She must insist on something more challenging next time.

“Hi, Sam.” She lit up his world with her hundred-watt smile.  He visibly grew an inch or two in his seat before coming to himself and leaping over to grab her chair, waving her to be seated with a flourish.

“What can I get you?” His quivering Adam’s apple belied his confident posture.  With a glance, he flicked away the bartender who’d left his position to personally take her order.

This was so wearing.  She didn’t even have to try.  And why should she, when years of practice had people like Sam jumping through hoops if she so much as blinked?  She needed something bigger – something that would take more out of her.  Small fry like this inane individual would no longer do.  She sighed. 

But for now… “Anything you think would take the edge off my long, hard day.”  It worked every time.  A little sigh and flutter of her eyelids brought the protector in him met raging to the surface.

She set to work.


Offline aelfwin

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Re: Treasured Possession
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2006, 09:30:15 AM »
Hi Jono25, This is a good read. Good opening hook. Suspense set up in the first sentence. I had no trouble reading it and found only one little nit to comment on, and that might be because i'm mi-interpreting. In the second to last sentence there is a word that doesn't seem to belong."A little sigh and flutter of her eyelids brought the protector in him (met) raging to the surface."  I really enjoyed the it and would read more.  :) Aelf

Offline Symphony

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Re: Treasured Possession
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2006, 11:40:23 AM »
Hi Jono,

Great read. Good hook at the beginning. Nice, easy style. I had a little trouble with a couple of sentences at the end of the first part - not sure what you think. Could just be the way I read them:

Quote
Rob wanted to yell out to the pallbearers as they’d hoisted the coffin onto their sombrely clad shoulders.
I thought both these verbs either needed to be in the past or both in the perfect, e.g. Rob wanted to yell out ...... as they hoisted the coffin ... (my personal preference) -
OR
Rob had wanted to yell out ... as they'd hoisted the coffin ...

Quote
But he was powerless.  Nothing he’d read, seen, or experienced changed the inevitable
Same sort of thing here - just a matter of tense and again, could just be my reading of it: I thought it should read 'Nothing he'd read, seen, or experienced had changed the inevitable ...'
because we're talking about the future, aren't we?
The other option I thought of would be 'Nothing he read, saw or experienced would change the inevitable ...'

Sounds great, though. Must be exciting doing final editing. Keep us posted with how you're getting on ...

Symphony

Offline jono25

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Re: Treasured Possession
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2006, 06:31:20 PM »
Hi aelfwin and Symphony,

Thanks for your comments.

Aelfwin, I don't know how I missed the word "met" in the numerous edits.  Thanks for pointing that out. 

And Symphony, I'll look over those sentences again.