Author Topic: ## Touched -- 1st/2nd/3rd/4th/final part now  (Read 5237 times)

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: ## Touched -- 1st/2nd/3rd/4th/final part now
« Reply #45 on: December 13, 2011, 06:34:11 PM »
so far I found this.

Does he think I'm was some sort of perv?

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Billy stood up drinking in the vision (Maybe)

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...screwed his eyes shut (I know this means wrenching his eyes closed tightly, but 'screwed shut', that one is hard for me to get comfortable with.

I do like how you ended right before all hell cuts loose.  ;D
« Last Edit: December 13, 2011, 06:47:18 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: ## Touched -- 1st/2nd/3rd/4th/final part now
« Reply #46 on: December 13, 2011, 06:40:13 PM »
Whoops! Off to fix. ;)

Offline Laura H

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Re: ## Touched -- 1st/2nd/3rd/4th/final part now
« Reply #47 on: December 13, 2011, 09:13:37 PM »
This is a much stronger ending, Sio.  I like the first version but I much prefer this - a man forced to live out the role that was forced on him.  I love that we get a glimpse of his joy at seeing his daughter for the first time - it makes the ending all the more poignant.

Yes, I vote for this one.
« Last Edit: December 13, 2011, 09:51:50 PM by comeonpowerball »
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

“Don't be like the rest of them, darling.” ― Eudora Welty

Offline 510bhan

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Re: ## Touched -- 1st/2nd/3rd/4th/final part now
« Reply #48 on: December 13, 2011, 09:15:46 PM »
Phew! So the compromise has worked. Thank you for looking and commenting. ;)

***mops brow***