Author Topic: Easter Blessing (part 1)  (Read 2942 times)

Offline Gltagaman

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 701
Easter Blessing (part 1)
« on: January 30, 2006, 04:53:05 PM »
A spoof thriller set in London in the nineteen eighties.




Geoff Lewis

The Church of The Holy Name was one of those Victorian buildings, whose interior must have been sanctified with a coat of gloom considered appropriate to a place of worship.
The Good Friday Service had finished and I appeared to be almost alone. In the dim glow of candles on the side aisles and what little late afternoon sunlight filtered through the wire-clad windows into the church, I could see a hooded figure kneeling motionless in the front pew.
I wonder where Danny Bell’s got to? He’s never late. Oh well, I’ll give him a minute and, if he doesn’t come, I’ll just have to look for the message of the Madonna on my own and trust that he’ll join me soon
Danny, my old mate from the T.A. was my fellow director in F A Wood, Private Investigations Ltd. He had arranged to me at the church to see whether there was any truth in the last words of Billie Dash, who had recently died in Wormwood Scrubs, as relayed by Joey, his snitch, ‘Tell Johnnie that I’ve left the code for the Limehouse job with the Madonna.’
Danny knew that Billie had attended Mass with his old mother, for years at the Church of the Holy Name; indeed he had frequented the place up to his last trial, from which Terry the Writ had been unable to prevent his client from receiving a twelve-year sentence for Armed Robbery and Grievous Bodily Harm. Billie had always claimed that one of the other robbers, identified only as J, and still at large, was the one who had shot the security guard. I had heard of the twenty five thousand pound reward for information leading to the recovery of the silver bullion destined for conversion into Silver Thalers by the Royal Mint but currently delayed in transit and felt it likely that Danny with his talent for recovering lost precious metal would be able to turn up something worth our while.   
I decided to look closely at the pictures on the wall, as the obvious place to start. The guide to London Churches mentioned a copy by an unknown artist of Leonardo Da Vinci’s Madonna of the Pinks, so I had looked at the original in the National Gallery and memorised it. My search commenced at the back of the church and I was less than a third of the way up the side aisle when my arms were grabbed and pulled behind me. A rough voice told me. ‘Shut up or I’ll gut you.’ From the scowl on the face of the longhaired fellow wearing a denim jacket and clutching a flick-knife approaching me, it looked like that was going to happen anyway. I remembered the advice that we gave to women who were attacked from behind and stamped violently down on my captor’s feet. I then scraped my heels down his shins. With a snarled ‘F—you’ he backed off. I rammed my right elbow backwards and connected with his stomach, which produced a satisfying grunt. I turned and had hardly time to see that my former captor was a podgy bloke in a green jersey and jeans before I ran to escape the attentions of Grease ball, the flick-knife addict, who chased me to the front of the church.
Have Thinkpad will write

Offline Symphony

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2432
    • Put the kettle on
Re: Easter Blessing (part 1)
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2006, 05:59:03 PM »
Hi there,

This sounds like a really interesting story. I like the style but, although it's fast paced, I felt it was a little bit rushed. There were so many characters and names, too. I was starting to panic about halfway own because I was afraid I was losing track - Danny, Billie, Joey, Johnnie, Terry, someone's Mam, Madonna ... ARGH!!! Scary!

The punctuation didn't help the flow of your story, although I know you'll pick this up with some editing - but I wondered about the long sentences. Splitting some of these up into shorter ones might also make it easier to follow the story. For example,

He had arranged to me at the church to see whether there was any truth in the last words of Billie Dash, who had recently died in Wormwood Scrubs, as relayed by Joey, his snitch, ‘Tell Johnnie that I’ve left the code for the Limehouse job with the Madonna.’

This sentence was really hard to follow.

Like the location - and your stroll up the aisle ... the actual atmosphere was built up nicely. What did these guys SMELL like, though? And what was your character's reaction? He seemed to have just taken it all in his stride - I'm dying to know more about him, what he was thinking, etc.

Looking forward to more of this, Geoff,


Offline mary

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 293
  • Me and my therapy dog, Woof
Re: Easter Blessing (part 1)
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2006, 02:28:10 PM »

  WOW, This is a good writing lesson for me. I often find myself speed reading through what I sometimes consider too much descrition in books that are already polished and published. I've often wondered if a story could be written with just the action and the characters. This is a good example of my thoughts. Now I see how necessary description is. I know that almost all our postings here are taken out of context of the whole story or book that any one is working on but this was really good for me to see. Thank-you. If you would put some descriptions to the characters and explain what the letters stand for I think I could follow the action more clearly. Looking forward to more of your story.  :) mary