Author Topic: First Routines of The Weekend  (Read 1866 times)

Offline 13moonstreams

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First Routines of The Weekend
« on: November 28, 2011, 02:17:17 PM »
 My closet is a mess.
 Tattered jeans,
 same old shoes.
 
 Today violins play,
 tomorrow: cellos
 will surely be abused.

 Moon and sun, in the afternoon,
 play a game of chess -
 no one ever wins.
 
 Role playing on a Sunday evening
 pop-corn on the microwave
 shaking hands with walk-through hermit's
 
 Prescribing sleeping pills for easily wakened
 sentient beings with long-hair
 and nihilistic behavior.
 I am content.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2011, 05:02:06 PM by 13moonstreams »

Offline heidi52

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Re: First Routines of The Weekend
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2011, 03:49:24 PM »
I liked this very much, just one niggling edit.
Bueno!  :)


     Tattered jeans,
     same old shoes,
     my closet is a mess.
  
     Today violins play,
     tomorrow: strings of cellos
     will surely be abused.

     Moon and sun, in the afternoon,
     play a game of chess,
     for hours on end;
     on victory they contemplate,  
     but no one ever wins.
 
     Twirling the sheets of my bed,
     beating up the pillow's torso
     to lay my head comfortably.
  
     my bed is a mausoleum with opened arms
     greeting tired pilgrims
     that who from morning to night
     migrate, and maneuver meticulously,
     to places hiding at the backs of many cinematic screens
     where the limelight never seems to fade out
     resting a heavy soul that hangs to dry
     and softly croons
    
     role playing games on a Sunday evening
     pop-corn on the microwave surely heating up
     shaking hands with the walk-through of a hermit's course
     I'm content

     Prescribing sleeping pills for easily wakened
     sentient beings with long-hair
     and nihilistic behavior.
    
      

Offline 510bhan

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Re: First Routines of The Weekend
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2011, 03:58:04 PM »
Can I come? And play Scrabble instead of role playing games on Sunday afternoons? ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: First Routines of The Weekend
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2011, 04:21:58 PM »
Can I come? And play Scrabble instead of role playing games on Sunday afternoons? ;D ;D ;D ;D

Haha yes! I like Scrabble too :P

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: First Routines of The Weekend
« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2011, 04:45:33 PM »
Some good lines in this 13, however its overwritten and the focus is weak in parts.
Suggest you reduce to the essentials and cut verbiage.

Suggested edit--

     
My closet is a mess.
Tattered jeans,
same old shoes.
 
Today violins play,
tomorrow: cellos
will surely be abused.

Moon and sun, in the afternoon,
play a game of chess -
no one ever wins.
 
Role playing on a Sunday evening
pop-corn on the microwave
shaking hands with walk-through hermit's
 
Prescribing sleeping pills for easily wakened
sentient beings with long-hair
and nihilistic behavior.
I am content.

~~



Offline 13moonstreams

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  • Posts: 63
Re: First Routines of The Weekend
« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2011, 05:00:48 PM »
I liked this very much, just one niggling edit.
Bueno!  :)


modified it now! thanks for the tip :)

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: First Routines of The Weekend
« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2011, 05:02:45 PM »
Some good lines in this 13, however its overwritten and the focus is weak in parts.
Suggest you reduce to the essentials and cut verbiage.

Suggested edit--

     
My closet is a mess.
Tattered jeans,
same old shoes.
 
Today violins play,
tomorrow: cellos
will surely be abused.

Moon and sun, in the afternoon,
play a game of chess -
no one ever wins.
 
Role playing on a Sunday evening
pop-corn on the microwave
shaking hands with walk-through hermit's
 
Prescribing sleeping pills for easily wakened
sentient beings with long-hair
and nihilistic behavior.
I am content.

~~




Thanks for the helping hand, Sparky! I think this is better, it's short and to the point.

Offline indar

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Re: First Routines of The Weekend
« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2011, 01:55:46 PM »
This piece suggests a setting in something like a halfway house, walk-in clinic or homeless shelter. I find myself intrigued but wanting a little more clarity.

Offline bowmore bill

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Re: First Routines of The Weekend
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2011, 02:48:55 PM »
Hi 13, really enjoyed this one, simple but effective, and really well laid out...well done.

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: First Routines of The Weekend
« Reply #9 on: November 29, 2011, 06:47:54 PM »
Hi 13, really enjoyed this one, simple but effective, and really well laid out...well done.

Glad it rubbed you the right way Bill.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: First Routines of The Weekend
« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2011, 11:00:12 AM »
"Prescribing sleeping pills for easily wakened"

Late suggestion:
I would take out "easily" from this line for rhythmic reasons.