Author Topic: Unceasing Adumbration  (Read 1406 times)

Offline 13moonstreams

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Unceasing Adumbration
« on: November 23, 2011, 05:32:17 PM »
  
     Inside this isolation chamberís belly
     madness is my closest neighbour.
     Mercied to an overdose of drugs,
     memory dissipates
     like salt on the body of slugs.

     Here in an altered state
     unfamiliar personalities
     continuously divide, to later wither.     
     In this ever-growing muteness
     I see the cobweb covered wings
     of a death's-head Hawk-moth
     commence to flap ,to displace.
 
     I wonder if it is a spiritual symbol,
    a tourniquet to join my fracturing soul.
    Am I a patient that needs to be swathed?
    If Pavlov's Bell should ever ring,
    I'll be sure to bark and go to where the food is placed.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2011, 02:31:36 PM by 13moonstreams »

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Unceasing Adumbration
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2011, 08:14:30 PM »
Hi 13

I like the last stanza.

Try to take some of the Telling stuff out of the work.
If it were mine I would distill the the first three S into 1 or 2.

A subjective poem like this should (IMO) use extravagant images to Show
an inner realty in an original way.  Metaphor and simile
would create visuals for your "adumbrate" inner world.
In order to show that adumbration though you need a keyhole of light
which a good image would provide.

Best

sparky

« Last Edit: November 23, 2011, 08:44:00 PM by SparkyDashforth »

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: Unceasing Adumbration
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2011, 08:16:37 PM »
Hi 13

I like the last stanza.

Try to take some of the Telling stuff out of the work.
If it were mine I would distill the the first three S into 1 or 2.

A subjective poem like this should (IMO) use extravagant images to Show
an inner realty in an original way.  Metaphor and simile
would create visuals for your "adumbrate" inner word.
In order to show that adumbration though you need a keyhole of light
which a good image would provide.

Best

sparky




Will take into consideration Sparky! I'm still in the process of making it shine properly, so will see if I can change some things further.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Unceasing Adumbration
« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2011, 08:30:56 PM »
My suggestion: I think you can cut the first S


Inside this isolation chamberís belly
madness is my closest neighbour.
Mercied to an overdose of drugs,
memory dissipates
like salt on the body of slugs.

Here in an altered state
unfamiliar personalities
continuously divide, to later wither.     
In this ever-growing muteness
I see the cobweb covered wings
of a death's-head Hawk-moth
commence to flap ,to displace.
 
I wonder if it is a spiritual symbol,
a  tourniquet to join my fracturing soul.
Am I a patient that needs to be swathed?
If Pavlov's Bell should ever ring,
I'll be sure to bark and go to where the food is placed.

kerygma12

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Re: Unceasing Adumbration
« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2011, 01:45:05 PM »

It appears that this poem is based upon an old movie from the '80s, Altered States, starring William Hurt. It was a favorite of mine, and I recognized the imagery immediately. You even betray that with the line "Here I alter my state". The poem might also be referring to the BIV (brain in a vat), a pet topic in the academic philosophy of mind. Either way, the poem has some interesting possibilities. The last stanza is quite memorable, however I would put the most memorable line last, thus:

I'll be sure to bark and go to where the food is placed
if Pavlov's Bell should ever ring.



Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: Unceasing Adumbration
« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2011, 02:24:27 PM »
It appears that this poem is based upon an old movie from the '80s, Altered States, starring William Hurt. It was a favorite of mine, and I recognized the imagery immediately. You even betray that with the line "Here I alter my state". The poem might also be referring to the BIV (brain in a vat), a pet topic in the academic philosophy of mind. Either way, the poem has some interesting possibilities. The last stanza is quite memorable, however I would put the most memorable line last, thus:

I'll be sure to bark and go to where the food is placed
if Pavlov's Bell should ever ring.




You're the first one who actually nailed it! And that's a fine suggestion. Sounds better that way. Will add the last touch to make it shine even brighter.  Altered States is one of my favorite films!

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Unceasing Adumbration
« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2011, 04:51:25 PM »

Hey 13

I took a retrospective look at this.
You have some good lines which shine
if you take out the drama.
Here is my suggested edit--



Madness is my closest neighbour
inside my isolation chamber.
Mercied to an overdose,
memory is salt
on a sluggish flesh.

Personalities unwind and wither.     
I see the cobweb wings
of moth displace my shadows.

If Pavlov's Bell should ever ring,
I'll be sure to bark
and go toward the food.




Offline DizzyMonster

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Re: Unceasing Adumbration
« Reply #7 on: December 02, 2011, 07:37:35 PM »
I have nothing to critic artistically but I am a pedantic science nerd and must point out that Pavlovs dogs were conditioned to salivate not bark at the sound of a bell irrespective of whether the stimulus (food) was present or not. You can use poetic licence if you dont really care.
Also is the deaths head moth a silence of the lambs reference? If so I like it :)  No I am not creepy.