Author Topic: My First Post - Love To Hate.  (Read 1499 times)

Offline Laurzers

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My First Post - Love To Hate.
« on: October 21, 2011, 07:00:37 AM »

Love To Hate

Hate is a really strong word that I donít really like you use,
But tonight is an acceptation Iím going to use this word for you.
I hate the way you shout so loud whenever you are mad,
I hate the way that you donít cry whenever times are sad.

I hate when you upset me and speak before you think,
I hate when you waste our money on cigarettes and drink.
I hate when we watch telly and you always have your way,
You hold on to the remote control and I never have a say.

I hate when I bring up important things and you just simply laugh,
I hate it when you brush you teeth when Iím lying in the bath.
I hate it when you come in here and take up all my space,
I hate when you light a cigarette and blow smoke in my face.

I hate it when you go away and can never find a phone,
I hate that I donít miss you whenever you are gone.
I hate that you donít listen but you need to hear your fate,
My love for you has disappeared and has been replaced with hate.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: My First Post - Love To Hate.
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2011, 07:37:37 AM »
Hi Laurzers ;)

Hate is a really strong word that I donít really like you use, ->>> to
acceptation ->>> exception

Cathartic -- yes? ;D

Most modern poetry no longer uses caps at the beginning of lines unless they follow a full stop. Also, don't feel you have to rhyme your lines to create a poem, often you have more freedom and better word choices available when you don't have that constraint. ;)

For this poem I would offer an example of how horrible 'hate' is and show then how this hatred is manifest in the things the other person does. Explain how it is a 'really strong word' so we can relate to the passion and vehemence behind it. Other than the personal examples you give [which is good] where do you see 'hate' in action? As you say it is a 'really strong word' but the things you describe are more irritations/frustrations than genuine hatreds though they have become such because of the deterioration in the relationship.

Have another go with these things in mind. This is all just my opinion, others may have different suggestions and it is your poem.

Best of luck :) :) :)




Silt

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Re: My First Post - Love To Hate.
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2011, 07:42:02 AM »
Hello,

I like the meaning behind the poem. Maybe the title could be less direct   'Little things - Big things'  something like a summary without pointing.

Sio and I'm sure others will help tidy, but I like the poem.

Offline Laurzers

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Re: My First Post - Love To Hate.
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2011, 08:12:15 AM »
Thanks for the feedback, Much appreciated firstly I need to use spellcheck before uploading!
It should read ''Hate is a really strong word that I don't really like ''to'' use''
I have read over it again and agree, I need to emphasise the word and use an example
of it first, I should create another verse.

I can see what you mean about the rhyming of the poem, this does restrict me but
I like my poems to have tie up a the end each verse and have a rhythm, but if I cut out the rhyming it would maybe flow more??

Can you take a look at my second post? I wrote this about a friend who had a very abusive
father who didn't treat her Mum well.

Again your feedback and constructive criticism is appreciated!!  ???

Offline Laurzers

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Repost - Watching hatred grow.
« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2011, 09:24:25 AM »
I took your comments and tips and made some changes to this Poem, firstly taking out the capital letters. I feel the first verse is better than before, it introduces the word hate and shows example of the word before I put it in to action. Much happier with this version, many thanks for the helpful tips.

Watching hatred grow.

I hate that our country is at war, i hate that we might loose,
i hate my job and i hate my boss, i hate when people are rude.
ĎíHateíí is such a strong word, that we often over use,
this word is so strong and powerful so I'm using it for you.

I hate the way you shout so loud whenever you are mad,
i hate the way that you don't cry whenever times are sad.
I hate it when you upset me by speaking before you think,
i hate that you waste our money on cigarettes and drink.

I hate when we watch the TV and you always have your way,
holding on to the remote control, why do I never have a say?
I hate when I speak of important things, you simply smirk and laugh,
i hate it when you brush your teeth when I'm relaxing in the bath.

I hate it when you come in here and take up all my space,
i hate when you light a cigarette and blow smoke in my face.
I hate it when you go away and can never find a phone,
i hate that i no longer miss you, whenever you are gone.
I hate that you don't listen but you need to hear your fate,
My love for you subsided, it has grown in toÖÖÖ.hate.


Offline Vienna

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Re: My First Post - Love To Hate.
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2011, 09:51:19 AM »
Hello Laurzers

sorry doesn't do much for me. Could be good performed live poetry slam perhaps? The repetition would give it a distinctive rhythm I reckon, having just read it out to myself. But seeing it written here leaves me cold. Have a look at the spelling/grammar too.

cheers

Richard
« Last Edit: October 24, 2011, 11:34:08 AM by Vienna »
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: My First Post - Love To Hate.
« Reply #6 on: October 24, 2011, 11:02:16 AM »
I did not 'hate' this, I merely dislike it, because the writer
has not a clue about the subject of hate.
A long list of things you dislike does not make a poem.


 

Offline arkadia

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Re: My First Post - Love To Hate.
« Reply #7 on: October 24, 2011, 12:04:11 PM »
I agree that "hate" is too strong feeling, to be capable to hate so many things at the same time.   

Offline bowmore bill

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Re: My First Post - Love To Hate.
« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2011, 03:18:34 PM »
Laurzers, hi. If I my make a suggestion, as the title of your poem is

Love to Hate. Why dont you devide the two and use them together like

Love............Hate or Hate........Love
Good luck.

Offline Laurzers

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Re: My First Post - Love To Hate.
« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2011, 12:40:17 PM »
Thanks for the comments Sparky, again I find myself justifying what I write but I have dusted the
cobwebs of poems I wrote 10 years ago, I don't have experience and I hold my hands up
to that, I had even less back then...I ended up in a posistion of actually hating all these things..writing I dislike the way you do this and do that doesn't fit, I admit I have lost emotion in this poem but at the time of writing the emotion was very much there actual hate was how I felt....trying to get it across in this poem has proved to be very difficult...It is very easy to feel intimated but I will not fall at the first hurdle, I will take all comments on board, thanks for the feedback.

kerygma12

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Re: My First Post - Love To Hate.
« Reply #10 on: November 08, 2011, 10:42:07 AM »

You could improve the poem vastly by simply taking out "I hate" from the beginning of each line, and simply listing all the hated things instead. For example, it might be changed to read:

The way you shout so loud whenever you are mad,
The way you don't cry whenever times are sad.
When you speak before you think,
When you waste our money on cigarettes and drink.

When we watch the TV and you always have your way,
holding onto the remote -- why do I never have a say?
When I speak of important things, and you simply smirk and laugh,
When you brush your teeth while I'm relaxing in the bath.

When you come in here and take up all my space,
When you light a cigarette and blow smoke in my face.
When you go away and can never find a phone,
That i no longer miss you whenever you are gone.
That you don't listen, though you need to hear your fate.

My love for you has ended; it has grown to hate.



Offline Laurzers

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Re: My First Post - Love To Hate.
« Reply #11 on: November 08, 2011, 10:52:28 AM »
Hi Kerry, Firstly thanks for taking the time to read this, In total agreement with you, this is much better
now and a big improvement, hate on each line was way too repetitive...and as posted above maybe to
strong of a word...I should change the title to explain what the poem is about and re-post it just how
you have written. This was very helpful. Many thanks.

 

kerygma12

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Re: My First Post - Love To Hate.
« Reply #12 on: November 09, 2011, 10:59:39 AM »

It is a start, at least. It needs a lot more work. Here's a further, slightly more developed version:


We watch the TV and you always have your way,
      holding the remote. Why do I never have a say?

I speak of important things; you smirk and laugh,
     then brush your teeth while I'm relaxing in my bath.

You come in here and take up all my space,
     then light a cigarette and blow smoke in my face.

You shout so loud whenever you are mad,
     but cannot cry whenever times are sad.

You speak before you think,
     and waste our money on cigarettes and drink.

You go away and can never find a phone.
      I no longer miss you whenever you are gone.

You won't listen, although you need to hear this truth:
      My love has ended. I hate you.