Author Topic: Once a year  (Read 1482 times)

Offline 13moonstreams

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Once a year
« on: November 07, 2011, 09:16:40 PM »
     Your mouth is sewn by the golden strings of the gods,  
     O mistress of dissolution and catastrophe
     Saturn's rings change their height so they can hang from your ears
     You come from a warm womb in a distant sapphire sky
      And when I linger in the lowest sphere
      You move on top of the stratosphere so gracefully

      In my dreams I meet with your many apparitions
      A comet with the longest tail igniting a light that safely guides me back
     Or a weeping willow near a swamp from which fog rises unhurriedly
     Or hailstorm that clothes the fields come morning  
      I witness how you  return to that same warm womb
      like a carrion crow that sits upon a fragile branch of a hollow tree

     A place somewhere above the stratosphere
     that's where you will come back to
     Fleeting from the earth
     inside a luminous rotating orb

     Through the fading light of a setting sun
     a celluloid tape begins to roll and shows a film
     many scenes of stars and galaxies unfurl
     revealed as you travel leisurely
     far into a strange new universe  
     returning once a year
« Last Edit: November 08, 2011, 01:20:23 AM by 13moonstreams »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Returning once a year
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2011, 09:39:54 PM »
Some pretty pictures but I haven't a clue what this is about. :-[ Is it some natural phenomenon I don't know of? Can't work out who 'you and I' are.

Be careful of using repeats and mixing your images. ;)

Offline cerF

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Re: Returning once a year
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2011, 10:35:47 PM »
I agree that it is pretty abstract, but I do enjoy it greatly. I constantly write about the cosmos and found some of what you said to be out there in the stars with my thoughts. I was trying to gather what was coming back to you once a year..... a psychedelic experience, a vision in a dream, a ritual tradition of some sort? Also, not to be too ticky-tac, but  the word in the first stanza 'sown' should be changed to 'sewn' as I believe that is the meaning you were looking for.

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: Returning once a year
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2011, 01:10:35 AM »
I agree that it is pretty abstract, but I do enjoy it greatly. I constantly write about the cosmos and found some of what you said to be out there in the stars with my thoughts. I was trying to gather what was coming back to you once a year..... a psychedelic experience, a vision in a dream, a ritual tradition of some sort? Also, not to be too ticky-tac, but  the word in the first stanza 'sown' should be changed to 'sewn' as I believe that is the meaning you were looking for.

definitely sometimes I write while I'm high so i never check it up until much later, haha. The thing with my poetry is that sometimes it feels repetitive and has no meaning at all. It's like life. It exists, you try to find out what it wants to say but sometimes it is only a painting with no definition. this one though is about the possibility of other beings from distant planets guiding us and teaching us things.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2011, 01:16:09 AM by 13moonstreams »

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: Returning once a year
« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2011, 01:18:24 AM »
Some pretty pictures but I haven't a clue what this is about. :-[ Is it some natural phenomenon I don't know of? Can't work out who 'you and I' are.

Be careful of using repeats and mixing your images. ;)

Just think about Agent Mulder and Dana Scully trying to BELIEVE, ha.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Once a year
« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2011, 03:49:44 PM »
"sometimes I write while I'm high so i never check it up until much later, haha. "

Pathetic. 

"The thing with my poetry is that sometimes it feels repetitive and has no meaning at all."

You mean your poem is meaningless?  I can but agree, as is the urge to post just anything. 


"this one though is about the possibility of other beings from distant planets guiding us and teaching us things. "

Really?  I like some of the writing but its unfocused (no surprise there), and its muddled (drugs don't make for
clear writing).

Maybe you should try writing sober with less abstraction and more reality.


Offline bowmore bill

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Re: Returning once a year
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2011, 05:53:56 PM »
definitely sometimes I write while I'm high so i never check it up until much later, haha. The thing with my poetry is that sometimes it feels repetitive and has no meaning at all. It's like life. It exists, you try to find out what it wants to say but sometimes it is only a painting with no definition. this one though is about the possibility of other beings from distant planets guiding us and teaching us things.

Hi 13, i'm a mirror image of you when it comes to running it out and then going over it again even when i have posted it.  Having said that i enjoyed the journey,

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: Once a year
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2011, 05:56:37 PM »
"sometimes I write while I'm high so i never check it up until much later, haha. "

Pathetic. 

"The thing with my poetry is that sometimes it feels repetitive and has no meaning at all."

You mean your poem is meaningless?  I can but agree, as is the urge to post just anything. 


"this one though is about the possibility of other beings from distant planets guiding us and teaching us things. "

Really?  I like some of the writing but its unfocused (no surprise there), and its muddled (drugs don't make for
clear writing).

Maybe you should try writing sober with less abstraction and more reality.



Well, for you it may be pathetic, but for me it's a "spur in the moment" kind of thing. Another thing not all writers or poets will write to please you, you know? Everyone has different styles and rhythms. We're doing it for art's sake, not to meet the needs for everyone else. If we can actually achieve that, it's a bonus. And I don't really know if you're giving constructive criticism or just "making fun of it" it is clear that I wasn't being serious about this poem anyways. What gives?

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: Returning once a year
« Reply #8 on: November 23, 2011, 05:59:23 PM »
Hi 13, i'm a mirror image of you when it comes to running it out and then going over it again even when i have posted it.  Having said that i enjoyed the journey,

These are the comments that I appreciate the most :)
Thanks bowmore bill! I'm glad that at least someone else goes through the same method!
Cheers!

-13moonstreams 

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Once a year
« Reply #9 on: November 23, 2011, 06:56:31 PM »

What I found "pathetic" 13
was your boasting of being 'High" when you wrote a poem and the presumption
that the result would be good enough to post.  It came across as juvenile and
disrespectful to the reader, who I presume you wanted to take the time
to review your work.

Art needs imagination and control. Without the sober control element
it may well be imaginative still, but it will inevitably be
weakly structured and unfocused, as was your poem IMO.

I have written poetry when drunk and mostly it don't work
unless I return to it sober to revise it, but hey, I have it on good authority
that famous poets like Dylan Thomas may have been wasted
as they wrote, not to mention all those 'Beat Poets."

I was a bit hard on you and should have
grumbled more gently, so please accept my apologies.

Do try to write without addictive stimulants though.
You can always get your 'fix' after the write.

sparky