Author Topic: Coccoon Thing  (Read 997 times)

Offline 13moonstreams

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Coccoon Thing
« on: November 04, 2011, 05:20:37 PM »
A strange silk
enwraps everything,
feeds it dreams and lies
sowing its eyes,
in slumber forever.
 
When you think of me
I'll whisper in your ear
whatever provides solace
in your silk-wrapped sleep,
but don't ask the impossible
to waken will weaken the spell
and unravel the threads
 
Cocoon thing, the future
alien bones jointed by suture
controlled by their  strings
guided by pointless routines

Death is the only escape
You must surrender
To the hungry power
Of the man
who lucks up your eyelids with tape




edit: thanks to 510bhan, I think this is going in a good direction,
don't know if I should keep modifying it though. It looks good this way.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2011, 07:39:16 PM by 13moonstreams »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Cocoon Thing
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2011, 06:53:06 PM »
Hi 13moonstreams -- the future hey? I think I like some of that future, only thing is I'm claustrophobic, so maybe a cocoon isn't for me ;D ;D ;D

Lovely idea. I think it would be stronger without some of the rhyming line ends which seem forced JMO :-[  A suggestion to play with below. ;) ;) ;)

A strange silk
   enwraps everything,
   feedsing it dreams and lies
   sowing its eyes,
   in slumber forever.
  if it wakes up it dies.

    Only When you think of me
    I'll whisper in your ear
whatever provides solace
in your silk-wrapped sleep,
but don't ask the impossible
to waken will weaken the spell
an unravel the threads

    Your wish is my command my love
    That's the reason why I'm here


    Cocoon thing, that's how it is in the future
    Cocoon thing, alien bones jointed by suture
    Born to a happy life, controlled by their strings
    Born to a happy life, guided by pointless routines
perceived as nirvana
 
      You can't Death is the only escape
      You must submit/surrendergive in
      To the hungry power
      Of the man of the hour
      Who lucks up your eyelids with tape

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: Cocoon Thing
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2011, 07:30:56 PM »
Hi 13moonstreams -- the future hey? I think I like some of that future, only thing is I'm claustrophobic, so maybe a cocoon isn't for me ;D ;D ;D

Lovely idea. I think it would be stronger without some of the rhyming line ends which seem forced JMO :-[  A suggestion to play with below. ;) ;) ;)

A strange silk
   enwraps everything,
   feedsing it dreams and lies
   sowing its eyes,
   in slumber forever.
  if it wakes up it dies.

    Only When you think of me
    I'll whisper in your ear
whatever provides solace
in your silk-wrapped sleep,
but don't ask the impossible
to waken will weaken the spell
an unravel the threads

    Your wish is my command my love
    That's the reason why I'm here


    Cocoon thing, that's how it is in the future
    Cocoon thing, alien bones jointed by suture
    Born to a happy life, controlled by their strings
    Born to a happy life, guided by pointless routines
perceived as nirvana
 
      You can't Death is the only escape
      You must submit/surrendergive in
      To the hungry power
      Of the man of the hour
      Who lucks up your eyelids with tape

OH that's great material for me to work with. I keep thinking that it has to rhyme, haha. I'm claustrophobic too. I was actually thinking of Aldous Huxley's "A Happy World" when I thought of writing this. Then it took a new turn. I'm awfully greatful that you're taking the time in helping me around. Gonna polish this now, since i've got nothing to do atm :)))

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Coccoon Thing
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2011, 08:43:48 PM »


I would keep modifying 13, its not there yet.
I think you need to embody the poem more.
By which I mean, make those images even more
tactile and corporal.
Make us see and feel that silky cocoon.
Instead of saying 'strange' silk, show the nature of it.
Bring the poem into your body and make it
a metaphor for your emotional body.
'Thing" is a word to be avoided in most context IMO.
The last stanza is too melodramatic for my taste.
The poem has a lot of potential though, so keep at it.

sparky


Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: Coccoon Thing
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2011, 09:36:51 PM »

I would keep modifying 13, its not there yet.
I think you need to embody the poem more.
By which I mean, make those images even more
tactile and corporal.
Make us see and feel that silky cocoon.
Instead of saying 'strange' silk, show the nature of it.
Bring the poem into your body and make it
a metaphor for your emotional body.
'Thing" is a word to be avoided in most context IMO.
The last stanza is too melodramatic for my taste.
The poem has a lot of potential though, so keep at it.

sparky



Will do Sparky, will do. ;)