Author Topic: Reanimator  (Read 2123 times)

Offline 13moonstreams

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Reanimator
« on: November 04, 2011, 04:15:34 PM »
  From the grave I'll pronounce your name
  When in perpetual slumber I know I still remain
  From the darkest corners in the deepest catacombs
  You'll hear my screams and hear my moans

  I'm sucked in by your maelstrom
  Black sunsets from here on
  A funeral hearse awaits outside
  Ghost horse neighs
  and takes me home

  Home is where the heart is
  and where is home if there is none?
  Inside this wooden carriage  
  Ghost horse runs and runs and runs
  
  I lay my head upon your shoulder
  Your beauty is a banquet to the eye
  And though you hold my trembling hand
  I wish I was back in shadowland
  
« Last Edit: November 07, 2011, 07:59:15 PM by 13moonstreams »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: From A Far
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2011, 04:21:00 PM »
Black sunsets was the only new thing I saw in this piece, liked that, but the rest was: It's always the same story told again and again  ;)

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: From A Far
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2011, 04:30:28 PM »
Black sunsets was the only new thing I saw in this piece, liked that, but the rest was: It's always the same story told again and again  ;)

So is that a good thing, or a bad thing? o:

Offline 510bhan

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Re: From A Far
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2011, 04:36:34 PM »
Uh . . . for me, not a great selling point ;D

Too many old familiar expressions and the archaic language was off-putting too. Might work as lyrics with the rhyme you have, people like to sing along to songs where you can predict the lines, more easily remembered; have the 'From afar' verse as the refrain. Just an idea. ;)

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: From A Far
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2011, 04:46:06 PM »
Uh . . . for me, not a great selling point ;D

Too many old familiar expressions and the archaic language was off-putting too. Might work as lyrics with the rhyme you have, people like to sing along to songs where you can predict the lines, more easily remembered; have the 'From afar' verse as the refrain. Just an idea. ;)

Hmm, will do then. Kind of sucks that I can never actually get something "right" when it comes to writing. There always seems to be a tiny mistake somewhere in there. I hope in time I can improve :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: From A Far
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2011, 04:51:01 PM »
Of course you can . . . keep writing. I'm only one voice, an amateur opinion, that's all.

Think about what exactly you want to say here, distill the emoition and find words to express them to do them justice, there are strong feelings here, don't dismiss them. ;) ;) ;)


Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: From A Far
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2011, 04:54:15 PM »
Of course you can . . . keep writing. I'm only one voice, an amateur opinion, that's all.

Think about what exactly you want to say here, distill the emoition and find words to express them to do them justice, there are strong feelings here, don't dismiss them. ;) ;) ;)



Thanks!

kerygma12

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Re: From Afar
« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2011, 09:18:58 AM »

First of all, you are a talented writer. I can tell that you have read a lot of poetry; I see the influence of Poe, Tennyson, and other romantic poets in this poem. But you still have not yet found your true voice.

This poem uses some 19th Century phrases, such as "unto" in the third stanza. Also there are a number of cliches: "my dying days", "your beating heart".

I don't know what the poem is about. There is a lot of darkness, but what is the point of the darkness? The poem seems to be about a lost love, but who is lost or who is dying? The whole sentiment of the poem is very 19th Century, and speaks of another, bygone era.

If there is some genuine experience behind the writing of the poem, then it would be good to write about it without such maudlin sentiment. You need to come into the mid-20th Century at least. When writing about personal experiences, don't be naive or sentimental or self-pitying. I think the best thing you could do with this poem is to hold onto a few of your favorite, most meaningful images and trash the rest, then write genuinely from the heart in prose about what happened. Then build a poem on that.

You are talented and have a lot of potential as a writer. Please don't stop.

Namaste



Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: From Afar
« Reply #8 on: November 05, 2011, 07:21:04 PM »
Hi 13

in the first stanza you talk of "heart" and "soul"
two words popular song writers and inexperienced poets
use when they have no idea what they are trying to say.
S3 looks promising.

Keep writing and remember, never use a word that you cannot clearly justify
and speak of with some originality.

sparky


Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: From Afar
« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2011, 07:58:22 PM »
First of all, you are a talented writer. I can tell that you have read a lot of poetry; I see the influence of Poe, Tennyson, and other romantic poets in this poem. But you still have not yet found your true voice.

This poem uses some 19th Century phrases, such as "unto" in the third stanza. Also there are a number of cliches: "my dying days", "your beating heart".

I don't know what the poem is about. There is a lot of darkness, but what is the point of the darkness? The poem seems to be about a lost love, but who is lost or who is dying? The whole sentiment of the poem is very 19th Century, and speaks of another, bygone era.

If there is some genuine experience behind the writing of the poem, then it would be good to write about it without such maudlin sentiment. You need to come into the mid-20th Century at least. When writing about personal experiences, don't be naive or sentimental or self-pitying. I think the best thing you could do with this poem is to hold onto a few of your favorite, most meaningful images and trash the rest, then write genuinely from the heart in prose about what happened. Then build a poem on that.

You are talented and have a lot of potential as a writer. Please don't stop.

Namaste




Aww thanks for the comment! This really cheered me up, so I thought i'd give it a go and re-make the entire thing. Hope it's better now!

Offline cerF

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Re: Reanimator
« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2011, 08:03:43 PM »
I dig it! A bit darker than stuff that I prefer normally, but it's evident that there is definitely a sweet/sourness to this relationship that you conveyed quite nicely (in my opinion). I liked the last word especially "shadowland" as it also made me think of a dreamstate. Keep up the good work :)

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: Reanimator
« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2011, 08:24:01 PM »
I dig it! A bit darker than stuff that I prefer normally, but it's evident that there is definitely a sweet/sourness to this relationship that you conveyed quite nicely (in my opinion). I liked the last word especially "shadowland" as it also made me think of a dreamstate. Keep up the good work :)

Thanks cerF I'm proud of this one, I still think it needs some more work to it. It'll get better :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Reanimator
« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2011, 08:43:58 PM »
Okay -- couple of things -- do you want the image of the grave or someone in perpetual slumber -- permanent snooze?

I think that unless you were going to change the N into some sort of spectral somnambulist the sleeping image doesn't work -- the screams and moans are far too animated for someone 'slumbering' IMO.

Referring to 'you/your' is confusing. In S1 'you' seems to be a person, whereas in S2 'your' [maelstrom] seems to refer to oblivion/death.

So the N is dying and waiting to be taken away by the funeral horses and despite the N's love being there to hold their hand when they die, the N can't resist the call of death and is ready to go? Am I right?


From the grave I'll pronounce your name from my grave's
  When in perpetual slumber I know I still remain
  From the darkest corners and in the deepest catacombs
  You'll hear my screams and hear my moans will cry.

  I'm sucked in by your Death's maelstrom sucks me down,
  black sunsets from here on.
  A funeral hearse awaits outside [what other sorts of hearse are there and would they wait inside? Perhaps it would be better to use funeral carriage in this S and change the other mention.]
  The ghost horse neighs
  impatient to take and takes me home [unless the N has actually died by this stage, the horse is only waiting to take the N home. Contradicts the last S at present]

  Home is where the heart is
  and where is home if there is none?
  Inside this wooden carriage crate/coffin
  Ghost horse runs and runs and runs [how can the ghost horse be inside the wooden carriage? Also not keen on the repeat of 'ghost horse' JMO.]
 
  I lay my head upon your shoulder
  Your beauty is a banquet to the eye [trite and cliched -- find a fresh expression]
  And though you hold my trembling hand
  I wish I was back in shadowland

 :) :) :) Hope some of this helps.