Author Topic: Offerings  (Read 1402 times)

Offline 13moonstreams

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Offerings
« on: November 02, 2011, 09:26:39 PM »
  A brilliant star inflicts a wound
  across a sky so warm and blue
  And all these nightmares come
  to life every time you say I do
  
   Go, I don't want you to stay,
   please keep away,
   and don't come any further
   Your touch feels just like murder.

   For me the fields are burning
   consumed by roaring flames
   Like red girls dancing together
   setting themselves ablaze.  
  
   I want to dance with them
   slowly until the ritual ends
   I want to hold their hands
   and feel the heat below
   a bedsheet of yellow sands.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2011, 05:35:24 PM by 13moonstreams »

Offline arkadia

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Re: Offerings
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2011, 09:36:43 PM »
I am not sure 13, it feels as if the 2nd stanza want to move to the end of the poem. And just leave a first "go"  and cut off two others.  :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Offerings
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2011, 09:39:59 PM »
Not sure if the rhyme works in the first half -- weakens it IMO. ;)

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Offerings
« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2011, 09:59:34 PM »
I like this a lot. The simple words mask a very intense work.
It is passionate writing, and the the image of the dancing flames
as red girls is a lasting one in this context.
Its not easy to write a strong visual poem like this.

I would cut 'Boiling' from the last line, as it is not really
a sensual image while this is definitely a sensual work.

Standing ovation

Sleezo Dimplefoot

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: Offerings
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2011, 02:11:43 PM »

 Thanks for all the suggestions, i'll be sure to edit this asap!

Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: Offerings
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2011, 02:12:53 PM »
I am not sure 13, it feels as if the 2nd stanza want to move to the end of the poem. And just leave a first "go"  and cut off two others.  :)

I'm actually in the middle of re-organizing it and working a bit more with it. I see what you mean, though!

kerygma12

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Re: Offerings
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2011, 10:34:41 AM »
I'm new to this site, and would like to critique your poem:

For me the best part of the poem is the third stanza. I love the off-rhyme of "flames" and "ablaze".

The last stanza is very good, but the last word seems does not resonate well. There should be some resonance with "ends", but "heat" just sounds very strange here.

I love the feeling in this poem, but want more details inside it about what you're experiencing: is this bad love, betrayal -- what?


Offline 13moonstreams

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Re: Offerings
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2011, 04:08:44 PM »
I'm new to this site, and would like to critique your poem:

For me the best part of the poem is the third stanza. I love the off-rhyme of "flames" and "ablaze".

The last stanza is very good, but the last word seems does not resonate well. There should be some resonance with "ends", but "heat" just sounds very strange here.

I love the feeling in this poem, but want more details inside it about what you're experiencing: is this bad love, betrayal -- what?



It's somewhere in between, I haven't really thought about it to be honest. When I write it usually starts like a visual image and then I try to draw the rest of the picture. It's an odd way of working but that's how I go, and yeah I'm getting the same feeling about the last word. Thank you for your critique! I appreciate it.

Offline arkadia

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Re: Offerings
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2011, 08:12:23 PM »
I love the poem, 13, after the revision ;)