Author Topic: Practice essay on a given topic-468 words.  (Read 7513 times)

Offline 74748

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Practice essay on a given topic-468 words.
« on: November 02, 2011, 08:47:33 PM »
Hey guys, I'm writing my English exam soon, and would really appreciate it if you can give me some suggestions one how to improve this piece. The word limit is 400~450, so I'm a little over the limit here. Topic is: This is the story of a young man/woman who was able to escape from a difficult past to make a success of his/her life.

My essay:

“This is the story of a young woman who was able to escape from a difficult past to make a success of…” I tuned off the school principal’s voice at this point, ignoring his excited gestures and flying spittle.

I was eight then. The man came out of nowhere, and I remember pain, horror, screaming, torn clothes, more screaming…It was only afterwards, in the hospital, that I understood what had happened to me. Twenty years ago the society wasn’t exactly sympathetic towards rape victims; it still isn’t today.

Principal Clarke’s voice pulled me back to reality. I stood up to the pitiful round of applause, and walked up the stage. As I looked down, half the students were dozing off; and most of the other half had a snicker on their face. I putted on a smile, and began to tell my story in a grave voice: how I struggled to live with my past; how my family gave me hope and support; how, after years of hard work, I finally became a bestselling author. It is a boring old story, nothing unheard of before. And if this speech managed to inspire even one of these students, it would be nothing short of a miracle.

Of course, there are things that a high school guest speaker just cannot include in her speech. For example, the way my mother indulged in various substances after my “incident”, and my father and I never sent her to the rehabilitation centre for the fear of even more publicity. Or better, how I found my puppy strangled and hung from a tree one day, the words “WHORE” in red paint glistening right behind him. And the fact that my ex-boyfriend had left with all my money last year, leaving me too heartbroken to write is definitely unmentionable. If it was not for this, I would not have been stuck at this little school, allowing people to dig up my past for a minuscule payment in return. There are some things that a person simply cannot look past.

I sat back down, and endured another hour of the old principal’s speech. Apparently, according to Principal Clarke, if I can live with been raped then the students can surely get over their teenage issues and focus on learning instead. His words are not what finally pushed me over the edge, though. It was his the way he looked at me – as if I am some pathetic, filthy stray dog. I caught his eyes when he turned towards me again, and smiled until he hurriedly looked away.

The next morning I rose early, and in the aroma of fresh coffee listened to the radio news reporting the shocking, gruesome death of a certain high school principal. I hummed to myself, and started typing my new story.

--------------------------
Erm, because I'm trying to cut down the word count, I'm a little afraid that I had left out too much information and the story dosen't make sense.

 So here is the main idea: a woman in her late twenties had suffered through rape in her childhood, afterwards all kinds of bad things followed. Her boyfriends's betrayal has left her bankrupt, and she was too overwhelmed to write anything to make a living. So she began to accept these invitations for speeches to make some money. But one day, during such a speech, it was all too much for her and she sort of snapped. So she murdered the school principal who had invited her, and afterwards seemed to regain her peace of mind and her writer's abilities....something like that.

Thanks :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Practice essay on a given topic-468 words.
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2011, 09:34:03 PM »
Hey guys, I'm writing my English exam soon, and would really appreciate it if you can give me some suggestions one how to improve this piece. The word limit is 400~450, so I'm a little over the limit here. Topic is: This is the story of a young man/woman who was able to escape from a difficult past to make a success of his/her life.

My essay:

“This is the story of a young woman who was able to escape from a difficult past to make a success of…” I tuned off muted out the school Principal’s voice at this point, ignoring his excited gestures and flying spittle. (By giving the title 'Principal' we can assume it was a school Principal, the cut off point is indicated by your punctuation so no need to mention it.)

I was eight then.when the man came out of nowhere, and I remember pain, horror, screaming, torn clothes, more screaming . . . It was Only afterwards, in the hospital, that I understood what had happened to me. Twenty years ago the society wasn’t exactly sympathetic towards rape victims; it still isn’t today.

Principal Clarke’s voice pulled me back to reality. I stood up to the pitiful round of pitying applause {do you mean 'pitiful' in that it was only a small amount or do you mean 'in pity'? If you mean 'in pity/full of pity' you have already used sympathetic so perhaps 'pitying'?}, and walked up the stage. As I looked down, Half the students were dozing off; and most of the other half had a snicker on their face. I putted on forced a smile, and began to tell my story in an earnest grave voice: how I the struggled to live with my past; how my family's gave me hope and support giving me hope; how, after years of hard work, I finally became a bestselling author. It is a boring familiar old story, nothing unheard of before. Aand if this speech managed to inspire even one of these students, it would be nothing short of a miracle.

Of course, there are things that a high school guest speaker is limited just cannot include in her speech. For example, I couldn't include the way how my mother indulged in various substances after my “incident”, and my father and I we never sent her to the rehabilitation centre for the fear of even more publicity. Or better, how I found my puppy strangled and hung from a tree one day, the words “WHORE” in red paint glistening right behind him. And the fact That my ex-boyfriend had left with all my money last year, leaving me too heartbroken to write is definitely unmentionable. And if it was not for this, I would not have been be stuck at this little school, allowing people to dig up resurrrect my past for a pittance feeminuscule payment in return. There are some things that a person simply cannot look past.

I sat back down, and endured another hour of the old principal’s speech. Apparently, According to Principal Clarke, if I can live with having been raped then the students can surely get over their teenage issues and focus on learning instead. His words are were not what finally pushed me over the edge, though. It was his the way he looked at me – as if I am in his eyes, some pathetic, filthy stray dog. I caught his eyes condescending expression when he turned towards me again, and smiled until he hurriedly looked away.

The next morning I rose early in a better mood. and in Surrounded by the aroma of fresh coffee, I listened to the radio news reporting the shocking, gruesome death of a certain high school principal. I hummed to myself, and started typing my new story.

--------------------------
Erm, because I'm trying to cut down the word count, I'm a little afraid that I had left out too much information and the story dosen't make sense.

 So here is the main idea: a woman in her late twenties had suffered through rape in her childhood, afterwards all kinds of bad things followed. Her boyfriends's betrayal has left her bankrupt, and she was too overwhelmed to write anything to make a living. So she began to accept these invitations for speeches to make some money. But one day, during such a speech, it was all too much for her and she sort of snapped. So she murdered the school principal who had invited her, and afterwards seemed to regain her peace of mind and her writer's abilities....something like that.

Thanks :)

Clean version below: JMO ;) ;) ;)


“This is the story of a young woman who was able to escape from a difficult past to make a success of . . .” I muted out the Principal’s voice, ignoring his excited gestures and flying spittle.

I was eight when the man came out of nowhere, and I remember pain, horror, screaming, torn clothes, more screaming . . .Only afterwards, in hospital, I understood what had happened. Twenty years ago society wasn’t exactly sympathetic towards rape victims; it still isn’t today.

Principal Clarke’s voice pulled me back to reality. I stood up to pitying applause and walked up the stage. Half the students were dozing off; and most of the other half had a snicker on their face. I forced a smile, and began to tell my story in an earnest voice: the struggle to live with my past; my family's support giving me hope and how, after years of hard work, I finally became a bestselling author. It is a familiar old story and if this speech managed to inspire even one of these students, it would be nothing short of a miracle.

Of course, a high school guest speaker is limited. For example, I couldn't include how my mother indulged in various substances after my “incident”, and we never sent her to rehab for fear of even more publicity. Or better, how I found my puppy strangled and hung from a tree one day, the words “WHORE” in red paint glistening behind him. That my ex-boyfriend had left with all my money last year, leaving me too heartbroken to write is definitely unmentionable. And if it was not for this, I would not be stuck at this little school, allowing people to resurrect my past for a pittance fee. There are some things a person simply cannot look past.

I sat back down, and endured another hour of the old principal’s speech. According to Principal Clarke, if I can live with having been raped then the students can surely get over their teenage issues and focus on learning instead. His words were not what finally pushed me over the edge, though. It was the way he looked at me –in his eyes, some pathetic, filthy stray dog. I caught his condescending expression when he turned towards me again, and smiled until he hurriedly looked away.

The next morning I rose early in a better mood. Surrounded by the aroma of fresh coffee, I listened to the radio news reporting the shocking, gruesome death of a certain high school principal. I hummed to myself, and started typing my new story.

429 words

Offline CWS

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Re: Practice essay on a given topic-468 words.
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2011, 10:55:27 AM »
I applaud you for tackling a tough subject.  :) :) 

Agree with Sio's critique.  The only other thing I would add is this;  If Principal Clarke's voice caused her mind to wander, would the sound of his voice bring her back?  Could it be the applause that brought her attention back to the present?

Principal Clarke’s voice pulled me back to reality. I stood up to the pitiful round of applause, and walked up the stage. As I looked down, half the students were dozing off; and m

Good luck with your English exam. :D ;D

C. W. Stockman


Offline bobby801

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Re: Practice essay on a given topic-468 words.
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2011, 11:01:30 AM »
hey, 74748. I'm not going to say too much about your essay (which, incidentally I thought was very good, although you don't say what level you're at), what I will say is that you really should appreciate the time and effort which Siobahn has taken to critique it. That wasn't done in a couple of minute believe me!

Good luck with your exam, I reckon you're heading for an A+

Regards,

Bobby

Offline 74748

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Re: Practice essay on a given topic-468 words.
« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2011, 02:38:29 PM »
510bhan Thanks so much for pointing out those errors for me, I never even noticed most of them!
By the 'pitiful applause' I meant a really small applause...

thanks CWS,bobby801...
maybe I should try something like :' The sound of some half-hearted applause pulled me back to reality. I stood up..."

I'm a grade 12 learner and this is my final exam, so thanks for the encouragement, hope I will do well :)

Offline heidi52

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Re: Practice essay on a given topic-468 words.
« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2011, 03:24:33 PM »
Nicely written for someone your age. You'll do fine!  ;D

Offline CWS

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Re: Practice essay on a given topic-468 words.
« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2011, 11:25:20 AM »
maybe I should try something like :' The sound of some half-hearted applause pulled me back to reality. I stood up..."

That should work well, I like it. :) :D ;D

Offline bowmore bill

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Re: Practice essay on a given topic-468 words.
« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2011, 03:30:11 PM »
hello 74748, it made perfect sense to me, I found it a very enjoyable read. Well done.

PS, what did you do to the principle?

Offline bowmore bill

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Re: Practice essay on a given topic-468 words.
« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2011, 03:33:55 PM »
Should have mentioned, having read Siobahn's version, it works well and takes the word count down.

Offline 74748

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Re: Practice essay on a given topic-468 words.
« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2011, 09:00:19 PM »
Thanks for the support guys, I really appreciate it :)


PS, what did you do to the principle?

Erm...I think I'd leave that up to your imagination...anything gruesome will do :D

BTW, I have just finished my final English exam. You guys' suggestions helped a lot, so thanks again, especially to Siobhan. I will carry on practicing my writing skills, and hopefully will get higher English marks in college...lol

Offline nigelw

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Re: Practice essay on a given topic-468 words.
« Reply #10 on: November 25, 2011, 07:39:51 AM »
I really enjoyed this...the makings of a novel I think. Be a shame to leave it like this. I'd certainly read it if you developed the story, perhaps from the school incident to the 'topping' of the principal and events which follow.
By the way, I too have been lucky enough to have Siobhan and others spend their valuable time helping in this way...priceless! :) :) :)