Author Topic: Harmony.  (Read 1193 times)

Offline 13moonstreams

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Harmony.
« on: November 02, 2011, 06:20:35 PM »
   Tie your hands oh father,
   don't bother looking for me
   Tie your hands oh father,
   It's been days since I've been
   out of reach.

    Gone away with my sweet Harmony,
    searching for another place.
    Tie your hands oh father,
    Now don't you give me that old angry face.
 
    The neighbors been asking, father
    But what will you say?
    What about mother,
    have you told her today?
    Tie your hands oh father
    There's nothing more you can explain

      The people knew Harmony
      she had been staying over
      at the Clover Mental Hospital
      but they let her go, then she met me
      The Shrink thought that she was crazy
      but only a little less than usual
    
    Later, across the valley
    Where together we did go
    Harmony got hungry
    She went insane
    Lost her mind, you know?

    After the cops found me
    with parts here and there
    They sent Harmony back
    to the Mad House....
    where she ate Dr. Krauss
    Nurses couldn't stop her
    they only ripped her blouse.
    
     They say the ones that
     are ready to go awry
     are the ones who are as
     quiet as a mouse.



note: Yes, there's some cannibalism involved, and yes,
the narrator is the poor boy who got eaten by Harmony the "Quiet Mouse".
Was hoping to read what you folks thought of it. Also: was listening to Nick Cave,
Shangri-las, and to a lot of Teenage Death Songs when I felt like writing this. :)

« Last Edit: November 02, 2011, 07:46:03 PM by 13moonstreams »

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: Harmony or "Ballad of the Quiet Mouse"
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2011, 06:23:31 PM »
Hi, 13moonstreams, Iíve noticed youíre new. ;) It's great that you are keen to get your work out there for others to see but . . .

If you could go to the Welcome Board and introduce yourself youíll let members know youíve arrived and can begin to get to know how to find your way around things, the rules for posting and what the etiquette of the site expects.

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/board,1.0.html
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,12325.0.html
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7415.0


510bhan
Global Moderator


Offline 13moonstreams

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: Harmony or "Ballad of the Quiet Mouse"
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2011, 06:41:48 PM »
Hi, 13moonstreams, Iíve noticed youíre new. ;) It's great that you are keen to get your work out there for others to see but . . .

If you could go to the Welcome Board and introduce yourself youíll let members know youíve arrived and can begin to get to know how to find your way around things, the rules for posting and what the etiquette of the site expects.

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/board,1.0.html
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,12325.0.html
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7415.0


510bhan

Thanks for the tip! I guess I kinda went ahead to the center of the fun without reading the rules, my bad!
I'll be sure to read the rules, thanks 510bhan!
Global Moderator



Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: Harmony or "Ballad of the Quiet Mouse"
« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2011, 07:27:09 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

You obviously had fun writing this . . . not sure why you've presented it centred, just left aligned looks better IMO. :)

I don't think you've quite pulled off a ballad as far as the structure is concerned: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ballad

I do like the bizarre story and I reckon you could work on this for something a bit more punchy. At the moment, without your explanation it's not clear who/what Harmony is.

Have fun with a revision. ;) ;) ;)

Offline SparkyDashforth

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3801
Re: Harmony or "Ballad of the Quiet Mouse"
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2011, 07:34:55 PM »
  

This is just my cup of tea moonstreams. I like the quirky and surreal.

I was surprised however that you did not maintain the rhythm throughout.
The repeated "tie your hands oh father"  worked for me.  'O' rather that "oh" would be better IMO,
but then the work took a more Telling, less lyric track.
If it were mine I would re-write this, trying to sustain the lyric quality.

Despite its compositional problems it is refreshing to see something this original,
and look forward to seeing some more of your stuff.

Applause, but no standing ovation yet  ;)

Best

Sir Sparky Dribblebone



« Last Edit: November 02, 2011, 07:50:25 PM by SparkyDashforth »

Offline 13moonstreams

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: Harmony or "Ballad of the Quiet Mouse"
« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2011, 07:37:53 PM »
;D ;D ;D ;D

You obviously had fun writing this . . . not sure why you've presented it centred, just left aligned looks better IMO. :)

I don't think you've quite pulled off a ballad as far as the structure is concerned: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ballad

I do like the bizarre story and I reckon you could work on this for something a bit more punchy. At the moment, without your explanation it's not clear who/what Harmony is.

Have fun with a revision. ;) ;) ;)

Hmm you're right...I should probably take out the "ballad" from the title and maybe just call it "Quiet Mouse".
Here's an explanation about it. So there's this boy who fell in love with a crazy girl named "Harmony" she had been
 in the Mental Hospital for quite some time and then they let her go. She had "cannibalism" issues. The boy's father wasn't happy
when Harmony fell in love with the boy, so they ran way "across the valley" there Harmony gobbled him up. As I mentioned before, the narrator seems to be the "ghost of the dead boy". The Shrink (Psychiatrist) knew she was crazy but still let her go. So Harmony ate the boy,
and then when she was sent back to the Mental Hospital, ate "Dr. Krauss". That's pretty much it. It's silly really, but has this "b-film" tone to it.

Offline 13moonstreams

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: Harmony or "Ballad of the Quiet Mouse"
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2011, 07:41:00 PM »
 

This is just my cup of tea moonstreams. I like the quirky and surreal.

I was surprised however that you did not maintain the rhythm throughout.
The repeated "tie your hands oh father"  worked for me.  'O' rather that "oh" would be better IMO,
but then the work took a more Telling, less lyric track.
If it were mine I would re-write this, trying to sustain the lyric quality.

Despite its compositional problems it is refreshing to see something this original,
and look forward to seeing some more of your stuff.

Applause, but no standing ovation yet  ;)

Best

Sir Sparky Dribblebone


At least I made it to the applause, hah! I'll be sure to make those changes and work with the suggestions mentioned previously!
Thanks for taking the time to read, Sparky.  
« Last Edit: November 02, 2011, 07:44:08 PM by 13moonstreams »