Author Topic: First Part for all your views...........  (Read 2709 times)

Offline Ebru

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First Part for all your views...........
« on: January 30, 2006, 07:25:56 AM »
Hi There,

I'm so new at least and have no clue about writing and have realised I don't have any speech marks or what ever they were called (I've forgot), and know I have alot of work to do but would still appreciate all your views so here goes........

ďJosh I have something very important to tell you.Ē
Really? Well what is it Rita?Ē
ďDarling itís not something I can tell you over the phone, come round to mine tonight for 7pm and Iíll cook us your favourite meal and weíll then discuss my news, Iím sure youíll be thrilled about it.Ē
 ďOk, Iíll be there. And Rita?Ē
ďYes Josh?Ē
ďI have something important to tell you too.Ē

Right ok, Josh is going to be here for 7pm. How will I tell him? Ok Rita donít panic, everything will be fine and heíll love the news, wasnít it what we always wanted? Finally itís going to happen. Why should he freak out, he loves me doesnít he? Says the little voice that always pops up when Rita has a dilemma. He has been acting a little strange lately; maybe itís to do with his final exams and my darling Josh is under so much stress.  Of course itís not easy trying to concentrate on your exams as well as dealing with other major issues that have popped up lately.

One minute. Josh has something to tell me, and he says itís important too. Important? What can it be? Oh my god.  This is it, finally my dreams are coming true. The man I love has finally decided to spend the rest of his life with me, oh he would definitely be excited about my news, after all, weíll start it of with a big bang. Yes a Big Bang. Everyone will be so envious of us both. I canít wait to tell them all.

Christ! Whatís the so called important news she has to tell me? She did sound sort of excited but in a serious kind of way.  I hope sheís finally been promoted as poor Ritaís been longing for it for so long. That would surely make her happy, of course with a little down side to it after my news that Iíve been meaning to tell her for a while now, not meaning to tell but havenít got round to it yet, Iíve actually been avoiding it, well not avoiding it really, just trying to pluck up the courage to actually tell her as she would be distraught.  Something sheís been dreading to hear, as nothing can be so perfect, there always has to be a downfall, something that would bring you back down from cloud 9. And of course it has to be good old Josh to finally burst the bubble.


Thank you
« Last Edit: January 30, 2006, 08:49:49 AM by Ebru »

Offline Foxy

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Re: First Part for all your views...........
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2006, 07:46:35 AM »
Hello Ebru, this could use some formatting as it's very hard to follow what's going on. You should start a new paragraph for each time the character talking changes, like this:

     "Josh I have something very important to tell you."
     "Really? Well what is it Rita?"
     "Darling itís not something I can tell you over the phone, come round to mine tonight for 7pm and Iíll cook us your favourite meal and weíll then discuss my news, Iím sure youíll be thrilled about it.
     "Ok, Iíll be there. And Rita?"
     "Yes Josh?"
     "I have something important to tell you too.

Now all I want to know is, what is the important news... I'm so nosey! LOL

Hope this helps Ebru :)
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Offline Linda Aitchison

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Re: First Part for all your views...........
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2006, 07:55:13 AM »
Well my guess is she's gonna tell him she's expecting and he wants to end the relationship!

Hope you can take the excellent advice above and keep up the pace.

Good luck :)

<a href="http://www.freelancewritingtips.com">"Currently updating and adding to my book on freelance writing</a>

Offline Ebru

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Re: First Part for all your views...........
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2006, 08:02:15 AM »
Thanks Foxy and Oldhack,

Thank you for my first lesson.... Your opinions are appreciated I will get it sorted out a.s.a.p

Oldhack, yes your right with what you think is going to happen, but there are major twists which you wouldn't have thought of.....

Offline Linda Aitchison

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Re: First Part for all your views...........
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2006, 08:29:19 AM »
Well I think that being finished with when you want to tell them you're carrying their baby is pretty cataclysmic! I hope she'll be okay... :)
<a href="http://www.freelancewritingtips.com">"Currently updating and adding to my book on freelance writing</a>

Offline Ebru

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Re: First Part for all your views...........
« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2006, 08:32:27 AM »
Yes your right Oldhack but you don't know what I have in mind.......

Offline Symphony

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Re: First Part for all your views...........
« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2006, 05:32:37 PM »
Ebru,

Great pace. Congratulations definitely in order. Is this really the first thing you've ever written? Lots of back-patting, then!!

Yes - punctuation needs plenty of work, but you've already started. Dialogue already looking better - one thing at a time.

Here's my little hint for today:

Usually you'd do this to indicte a time change, but it seems appropriate to do it here, too, since you're obviously going to keep switching povs so

***

insert an extra line space and three asterisks each time you change your pov. It'll make it easier for the reader and after the first time we'll be ready for those sudden switches.

You've built the tension up nicely here. I'm really looking forward to the twist!

Symphony

Offline Gamin

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Re: First Part for all your views...........
« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2006, 09:56:39 PM »
Ebru,

I'm a beginner and I really don't have much advice to give you. This sounds great to me. Best of luck!

Gamin

Offline Ebru

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Re: First Part for all your views...........
« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2006, 06:17:38 AM »
thanks Symphony, i'll keep that in mind and make the changes... thanks for the support and yes it is my first ever thing i've written, does that mean that with more experience i'll become a best seller????? ha ha ha i wish..............

i should be starting Nicks lessons on learn to write iin 28 days, hopefully i'll do much better.. i don't know how it would work in 28 days as i'm not always in the right frame of mind to write but we'll see.

maybe i'll have to start meditating to clear my mind and just concentrate on this

Offline Ebru

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Re: First Part for all your views...........
« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2006, 06:20:36 AM »
welcome to you new comer.........

thank you and good luck with you too, hope all goes well and that we all achieve what we're aiming for.... after all support is what we need for help and thats what we're all here for to pat each other on the back