Author Topic: [Love] Anniversary Poem  (Read 1035 times)

Offline Luana Spinetti

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 86
  • Words flowing from the heart
    • LuanaSpinetti.com
[Love] Anniversary Poem
« on: September 04, 2011, 11:06:04 AM »

Honey,
hear the whisper of the wind
feel it ruffling your hair
just as I do with my hands.

It's telling you of Loving Tales,
a man and a woman and their
Once Upon a Time.




Written out of Love for my fiancee.  :-*

EDIT: Added "feel it" on the third line to fix the imagery. Thanks for the tip, 510bhan!
« Last Edit: September 04, 2011, 02:51:43 PM by Luana Spinetti »
~ Luana S. ~

A Writing Journal to plant seeds of imagination. A Writing Desk to grow entire worlds out of the humblest human mind.

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: [Love] Anniversary Poem
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2011, 12:47:23 PM »
Hi Luana, lovely little piece. ;) ;) ;)

I'm not sure about what the wind is doing. Change the image to trees/leaves and I think you'll see what sounds wrong . . . there are two actions 'hearing' and 'ruffling' and you are asking the wind's whisper to to muss up the hair, which is a sound [a noun] the way you've written it and not capable of movement.  :-\ :-\ :-\ JMO


Offline Luana Spinetti

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 86
  • Words flowing from the heart
    • LuanaSpinetti.com
Re: [Love] Anniversary Poem
« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2011, 02:39:17 PM »
Hi 510bhan. :) Thank you for your critique!

The imagery I wanted to convey is kind of tricky to put in words: I was suggesting a scene in which wind blows and ruffles the lover's hair, provoking a delicate sound  - when the wind blows it produces noise and sound, which is like a 'whisper' when it's delicate; seen that way, the whisper of the wind also produces action, its voice produces movement.

Kind of tricky. ^^''
~ Luana S. ~

A Writing Journal to plant seeds of imagination. A Writing Desk to grow entire worlds out of the humblest human mind.

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: [Love] Anniversary Poem
« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2011, 02:44:11 PM »
I do see what you mean -- which is why I didn't attempt to fix it, couldn't do it without becoming clumsy in the expression. :-[

Maybe:

Honey,
hear the whisper of the wind
feel it ruffling your hair
just as I do with my hands.
 :-[ :-[ :-[

Offline Luana Spinetti

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 86
  • Words flowing from the heart
    • LuanaSpinetti.com
Re: [Love] Anniversary Poem
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2011, 02:50:11 PM »
Wow, that's exactly the compromise I was looking for! ;D Thank you 510bhan!

No sad lil' faces. :) I'm honored that you spent time to criticize my poem and helped me with that tricky bit.
~ Luana S. ~

A Writing Journal to plant seeds of imagination. A Writing Desk to grow entire worlds out of the humblest human mind.

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: [Love] Anniversary Poem
« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2011, 02:53:22 PM »
Glad I could be of help. ;)

Offline duck

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2921
  • The best laid plans of mice and men turn to ...
Re: [Love] Anniversary Poem
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2011, 04:28:08 PM »
Hi
Maybe because I am a man, this seems unintentionally to make the loved one sound like a child rather an adult who is loved - the word ruffled is a tad clichéd and "young". IMO. Duck

Offline Luana Spinetti

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 86
  • Words flowing from the heart
    • LuanaSpinetti.com
Re: [Love] Anniversary Poem
« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2011, 04:34:07 PM »
Hi Duck. :) The word here is intentionally suggesting a very tender, playful kind of love, which is the love between my fiancee and I. We ruffle each other's hair that tenderly.

Do you know a good synonym for "ruffle"?
~ Luana S. ~

A Writing Journal to plant seeds of imagination. A Writing Desk to grow entire worlds out of the humblest human mind.