Newbie writer's 2 nd project

[spurani]

Hello - I'm brand new to this forum, but am very excited to just join and take part in reviewing other's work and also getting some insight from those who have been writing longer than I have been.  I've been writing almost 3 months now and am hoping I can hone my skills at scriptwriting to further a project I have been contemplating for a long time.

Here's a portion of a script I'm working on.  This is intended to be an opening act for a 25 minute film which is about a college aged girl who is being forced to meet a potential suitor by her Aunt.  It's very rough but wanted to get an idea if it is shaping up to be interesting/holds readers interest. 
All feedback is very much appreciated......Thanks in advance!

To the side of a Large busy hallway, sits SONALI, 19, seated in a busy study lounge talking on her cell phone. 

SONALI

Uhhh, make it blue hydrangeas.  She'll like the blue ones better.
Sonali sits and watches scores of college tons with backpacks walking by, while some are speed past the slower ones to race to their classes.  Nearby groups of people are seated eating and talking. 

Does it look more blue or more lavender?

(Pause)

OK, fine.  That should be fine. 

(Pause)

My brother will be by to pick it up saturday morning. O-ok thanks!
Sets her phone down, but rings.  She picks it up and sees a name flash on the screen: "Apul".  Her face lights up and she answers the call.
SONALI (CONT'D)
(Answers flirtingly)
Hi!  What are you up to?
(Pause)
I'm in the union finalizing things for my parents party.  It's really hard to...
(Pause)
 Person on other line cuts her off.  Her tone changes.
SONALI (CONT'D)
Huh?  Yea, but i'm just...Oh.  Ok.  I needed to look over notes before I leave for this weeknd.... 
(Pause)
Ok, see you there.  Bye!
Phone rings again as soon as she gets off phone. 
SONALI (CONT'D)
Hello?  Oh hey - where are you calling from? ... Oh.
She waves to some friends walking by.  Continues to talk on phone. Split screen, you can see she's speaking with her brother, PRADEEP, 23 years old on the other end.
PRADEEP
(Boastfully)
Heh?!  So who came through big time, heh?!  Isn't that the best idea?
SONALI
Umm, hardly!  Are you crazy?  Noone from our family is going to use that...Where'd you get an idea like..
PRADEEP
(Calmly, trying to be convincing)
Now now, calm down. Who doesn't like karaoke? Huh?  Right? 
She looks down at her book still on the page she started on when she sat down. 
SONALI
(Fuming, trying to be patient)
How much did it cost?  Forget it, I dont want to even know - Take it back.  Ugggh!!
PRADEEP
Ok, you're the boss.  Why ask me to help when you don't like my ideas anyway?
Just then Sonali's phone beeps with another incoming call, "Phoi" flashes on the phone.  PHOI, is 46 years old, and is Sonali's dad's sister.
SONALI
(Mumbles excitedly)
Finally someone who can help!
Yelling to Pradeep without holding the phone to her ear.
SONALI (CONT'D)
Byeee. Gotta go.  Another call.  And take it back I'm serious!
She clicks over to the other line before Pradeep can reply.
SONALI (CONT'D)
Hi Phoi!  I'm so glad you called.  Pradeep bhai is driving me crazy. 
PHOI
(Speaking in Gujarati)
Oh? What's wrong Beta?
SONALI
He rented a Karaoke machine. Isn't that crazy?
PHOI
Carri- what beta?
SONALI
Karaoke.  It's a music machine thing that....
PHOI
Oh that's ok, let him get it beta – He is trying to have fun. 
SONALI
Huh?  No I mean it's a sing-along machine thing - just - can you talk to him?  Uggh, nevermind.
PHOI
Oh don't worry Beta.  But it's good to hear everything is going fine.
Sonali brings the phone away from her ear and looks into it as if her Phoi is going crazy. 
PHOI (CONT'D)
I wanted to call and see how you are doing with it and if you need help.
SONALI
(Confused)
Um..Ok.  I think I got everything I need..I think?
PHOI
Good, Good Beta.  I know you can do it.  So smart girl.  Everyone knows you are the smartest.
SONALI
(Very confused)
Phoi?
PHOI
Now listen, I have some great news for you! Mummy, daddy would be so happy, but I think we can keep this a surprise too for them.
SONALI
Huh? Another surprise?
PHOI
Yea, your Phoa and I have found a nice boy for you to meet.
Sonali falls silent.
PHOI (CONT'D)
Your mummy and daddy have been trying to find a nice boy for you for so long.  He told me to look for someone good.
SONALI
But.  I'm not getting married now.
PHOI
But we have to look right Beta? Don't worry he is wonderful, handsome boy.  Like Dev Anand.  You will see him at the party.
SONALI
What?!!  You invited some boy to meet me at the party?! 
PHOI
Oh yes, he's a fine boy, you'll see.  Your daddy will be so happy.  Two surprises in one day.  I have to go.  Anjali is here… we will call you on Friday to check on everything, ok, bye.
SONALI
Ok

[ChipTee]

Spurani - if this is only your second writing project, well done. There is much to sort out on the formating front, but you can get that right using teaching guides.

Important to remember film is visual. You have several characters off screen on the other end of the phone. You will have to decide how best to show them - do you cut from Sonali to Pradeep, or have her hear him and look at his photo, or what? Could you have them face to face?

And the speaker in Gujarati - will you use sub titles?

I think this will be a challenging script for you as a writer and you have made a good start. Keep at it.

Chip

[spurani]

Thanks Chip - I appreciate the helpful feedback. Yes it is my 2nd writing endeavor so I am soaking up all of the ins and outs of this type of writing.  I've also decided to already change my approach for this script - only 2 days since I started it.  But I imagine that may just be what writing is all about

[custard]

hiya spurani, welcome to MWC.

I'm no expert so please understand this is my opinion only and it's your choice if you agree with it or not.

I've written pages like this before. In my mind it was all good, but then when i started thinking about it visually and the movie as a whole i realised that a conversation this long wouldn't make very intresting viewing. I decided to look at what the point of the conversation was, and limit the amount of talking to what i needed.

Some script writers talk of an exercise where-in you use no dialouge at all but try to describe what's going on by visual description alone. This my sound easy but is actually very difficult.

Maybe you could give it a go, then add in the voices where needed, just as practise of course.


P.S. as for changing your script lots of times, i always do it, but am now trying to finish a whole script first and then edit it. Again this is just good practise, i found it easy to start a script, but to finish one, quite difficult.

[spurani]

You know Custard that is a great idea for an exercise to try out.  I think it's worth a shot at least, but I do think it can help quite a bit.  Sounds like it could be expert advice...

I appreciate the comments! 

[spurani]

The rest of this script acttually will shape up to be a half hour episode.  At the end of it I plan of having a music video of sorts where one of my main characters will sing.  Howver I'm unsure of how I can depict the translation of the song [subtitles] in the script.  Any ideas or better yet is there a standard method of doing so in such a script?

[traeva]

It sounds like you have some interesting characters here. Remember that 1pg of script = 1 min of screen time, so what you have written seems to move slowly.  Writers are told to read all the time and the same is true of screen writers.  Read scripts for all the movies you love as you watch the movies. It's amazing to see how one page plays out on the screen.

[spurani]

Hi Traeva - it's interesting you mention that as I was feeling that it seemed to drag a bit as well.  SO your idea is a good one - I'll look around for scripts of movies/shows that I can study.  I think that will help me get more creative in how to get my point across - and succinctly!!

I wish I had more time to write....

[Angeleyes]

Hi spurani, just thought I'd mention that Gub2000 posted some links to script writing. Just click on the link below and read what he has to say, it's very interesting.

Hope that helps.

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=3609.0