Hey T.M., I'm back.
I didn't feel I explained myself properly so I thought I'd re-write your opening just to show you by example what I mean by everything I said in the previous post. I re-wrote your entire opening in three paragraphs, I just found a lot of unnecessary conflict that I could set up in less words. Here it is.
Soavi stared into the sunlight seeping through the leaves, her eyes squinted. “Soavi,” her sister called. She flipped her hair over her shoulder, and covered her ears. “Soavi.”
“What?” she growled, turned and stared down at Sozie.
“Why don’t you let me play with you?”
Soavi rolled her eyes. “Why, why does she do this to me?” she asked the tree. Wind whistled through the branches, Soavi wished she was still young enough to imagine the replies. Only a whistle, she no longer heard a soft voice whispering to her. Soavi huffed, “I’m fifteen. Got to stop acting like a child, trees can’t talk.”
“Soavi.”
“What did I say, squirt? Get lost.” Sozie’s eyes welled and Soavi rolled her eyes. “Those crocodile tears won’t work, Sozie.”
“You're mean,” Sozie blubbered.
“Soavi,” Sammy called.
She jumped down from the tree and nudged Sozie, “Quit it.” She grabbed Sozie’s hand and went to find Sammy before he found them. It's not great, but it works ok as an example.
Now I'll explain my little re-write. I opened immediately with Soavi, tried to capture some of the peaceful ambiance you had going, but in only a few words. Because, the conflict needed to come early, to create some intrigue. I also think, even though its good you had Soavi telling, instead of you
telling, it was kind of obvious you wanted her to tell all that info she did, about the tree, plus it was a little confusing. I shortened it, made it less obvious you wanted her to tell the reader about how she felt about the tree, and in less words.
I also omitted the whole long drawl of Soavi being mean to Sozie. Just because, I didn't feel it needed to go on that long, once you set up the conflict you were done, the rest was just dragging on. Also, I thought that part she said about their father, was kind of cruel. That's just my opinion. I guess Soavi get's really annoyed by Sozie, but she doesn't hate her guts does she? Maybe you can mention something that hurtful later in the story.
I kind of just assume that in the beginning, Soavi and Sozie don't get along, then by the end, they understand each other, and appreciate each other. Just my initial thought.
And, I didn't know where exactly they were. Thought they were at home, the tree was in their front or back yard, but then I thought maybe they were in a park or something,
because it was time to go home. So I just had them go find Sammy, cos I wasn't sure.
Anyway, I hope this helps you understand what I said previously. I can be confusing sometimes, so I wanted to show you by example. Example's are best I think, instead of someone saying, do this, do that. It's easier said than done. So I hope this helps, anyway T.M.
And, by the way, you don't need to keep re-writing it day after day. Just consider the hook, the way you want to introduce your characters, how you could set the atmosphere in the least amount of words possible, and have the conflict between the two girls. I suggest you be descriptive to set the ambiance, but try and limit it to only a sentence or two, so you don't over do it, seem that's an issue you have.
I'm gunna stop rambling now,
. That's my issue. Hope this is helpful. Good luck figuring out your hook.
