Author Topic: 6 Days, (Adult Language Involved), Need Some Feedback Please.  (Read 1861 times)

Offline JaskaranRajput

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6 Days, (Adult Language Involved), Need Some Feedback Please.
« on: August 17, 2011, 07:53:58 PM »
The Young Man - POV

At first, there is utter darkness, then the young man's eyes slowly begin to open. It is blurry, but he can visualize some sort of room, rectangular in shape, and pure white. The ceiling lights emit an extreme, bright source of light, that might as well blind anyone who stares at it for too long.

Slowly, the vision becomes clearer, and he sees a MIDDLE-AGED MAN staring down at him, crouched. He shakes the arm of the young man once more.

                     the middle-aged man

            Hey...hey, get up...get up boy...that's it...

The middle-aged man helps up the young man. He looks about 23 years in age, with curly hair, and blue eyes.

                     ThE MIDDLE-AGED MAN

            You happen to know where the hell we are?

The man looks around the room. He sees 4 other people: A YOUNG BOY, about 10 years in age, A YOUNG WOMAN, AN OLD MAN, and AN OLD WOMAN. All of them are at one section of the white room, looking curiously at him. Each of them has a hint of fear in their eyes, as well as a tint of exhaustion.

He then looks up closely at the ceilings, and sees that near the lights protruding from their holes, there are little needle-shaped spikes.

                     The young man

            No...wait, where am I?!

He rubs his eyes to check and make sure he is fully awake.

                     the MIDDLE-AGED MAN

            Well...that's just great. No one knows.

He walks away, looking back towards the ceiling, then kicks the wall.

                     The old lady

            I don't think kicking a wall will help solve this problem. Plus your scaring the boy.

The middle-aged man looks angrily at the old lady.

                     The MIDDLE-AGED MAN

            I'm testing to see if they're hallow...

                     The old LADY

            For all we know, this might be some dream of mine, and i'm probably still sleeping on my couch in Maryland.

He looks at the kid, who is still looking around in fear. Listening to the old lady, he tries to pinch himself to see if it really is a dream, but it doesn't work. He proceeds with finding weak spots on the wall.

                     ThE MIDDLE-AGED MAN

            This isn't a can't be.

The young woman moves up to feel the wall she is near. She knocks it. The boy looks at her.

                     The young woman

            Good luck trying to break through this.

The middle-aged man slams his leg at the wall, and falls to the floor in pain, then gets back up.

                     The young man

            Wait...what the hell is going on?!

The young man gets up frantically, now fully conscious of the strangers and the environment.

The middle-aged man looks at him. The young women continues to feel the wall for anything worth looking for.

                     The MIDDLE-AGED MAN

            You see this here? We're stuck in this strange room. There isn't a door, window, nothing...and i'm tryin' to find a way out.

The young man looks closely at the five people he's with, then moves around to get a glimpse of the ceiling spikes. At the corners of the ceiling are little circles, which are a mystery to the young man.

                     The YOUNG MAN

            I was at my sister's. How the fuck did i get here?!

                     ThE MIDDLE-AGED MAN

            We all were doing something...I was helping out my daughter with her homework, and then...I ended up here.

The old man, sitting near a corner, is coughing, and the old lady tries to help him out.

                     The old man

            I need my pills...

                     the old lady

            I don't have them with me, Robert, just breath it out, in...and out, breath in, and out...

The little boy gets up and looks around, scared, and follows the young woman, as she feels the wall. She looks at him and smiles.

                     The young woman

            Don't worry, just relax.

                     ThE YOUNG BOY

            You know where we are?

                     The young woman

            It's one of rooms, at those carnivals, you know? And we have to try to find the hidden door to get out.

The boy searches around as well.

The middle-aged man kicks the vertices of the wall and floor, where he is standing, and then feels the wall near the young man.

                     The young man

            Wait...none of you know what this place is?!

                     THE MIDDLE-AGED MAN

            I told you...we all just woke up in this room. No one in here knows, but that's not the point.It's better if we try to find a way out of why don't you help out, see if there's a hidden door or something over at that wall?


The middle-aged man continues feeling the wall.


                     The young woman

            I don't think this room has any secret door. Nothing on the floor or walls.

                     The MIDDLE-AGED MAN

            This is just think anyone will hear if I call for help?

                     The young WOMAN

            I doubt it. These walls are solid.

The middle-aged man refuses to accept this, goes to a wall to call for help.

                     Old lady

            What in God's name are you doing?! The walls are solid! No one's going to hear you! We're stuck here!

The middle-aged man looks desperately around for some miracle to occur.

                     The Middle-aged man

            Fuck...this doesn't make sense...what the hell's happening?!


The boy watches the man. He starts to cry, and the young woman goes to calm him down. The young man looks very concerned as well.

                     The young boy

            I want my mom! I want mom!

                     The young WOMAN

            Just calm down, let's sit down and think...i'm sure there is a way out... and you too sir, why don't you join us?

The middle-aged man sits down next to the others, and tries to think of something. He looks sympathetically at the boy, then at the young woman.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2011, 08:06:17 PM by JaskaranRajput »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: 6 Days, (Adult Language Involved), Need Some Feedback Please.
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2011, 08:23:41 PM »
Some spellings that need corrected . . .

Plus your scaring the boy >>> you're

hallow >>> hollow

At the opening you probably need to mention in your setting notes [I don't know what scriptwriters call them :-[ ] that the room is completely empty, without furniture or windows. :-\

Offline TheDestroyer

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Re: 6 Days, (Adult Language Involved), Need Some Feedback Please.
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2011, 01:34:05 AM »
Interesting concept, though I hope the final revelation isn't disappointing :P I did feel that the whole notion of checking if the walls were hollow went on for a bit, which got quite repetitive.

Looking forward to more.