Author Topic: Life Sucks: Pilot Episode (Comedy)  (Read 2703 times)

Offline Smackbob

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Life Sucks: Pilot Episode (Comedy)
« on: June 15, 2011, 12:12:51 PM »
Hi there,

I'm new to this site; however, I've looked through the forums and found the advice and creative criticism enlightening and engaging. Im currently on my IPad in an airport and cannot copy/paste my script to the message board but was wondering if you guys would help me out reviewing a pilot episode.

link removed to protect personal information   510bhan

The pilot is supposed to be a 30 minute (22 minute airtime) sitcom. If you do want to see the other episodes already written, they also reside at link removed to protect personal information   510bhan

Logline: John, a recently unemployed stockbroker is forced to work as a receptionist at a Korean nail and hair salon when no other opportunities arise, he is accompanied by his extremely rational African American ex-girlfriend Sheila and his less than intelligent friend Michael.

Thanks for the creative criticism in advance.

Robert

EDITED by 510bhan to protect personal information
« Last Edit: June 15, 2011, 06:21:28 PM by 510bhan »

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: Life Sucks: Pilot Episode (Comedy)
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2011, 12:16:30 PM »
HI - appreciate you are on your iPad and I’ve noticed you’re new. ;) It's great that you are keen to get your work out there for others to see so when you get the chance . . .

If you could go to the Welcome Board and introduce yourself you’ll let members know you’ve arrived and can begin to get to know how to find your way around things, the rules for posting and what the etiquette of the site expects.

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/board,1.0.html
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,12325.0.html
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7415.0


510bhan
Global Moderator


Offline Smackbob

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: Life Sucks: Pilot Episode (Comedy)
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2011, 12:43:02 PM »
Thank you for the information. I'll be going ahead and introducing myself very soon.

Tony_A20

  • Guest
Re: Life Sucks: Pilot Episode (Comedy)
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2011, 06:17:53 PM »
Bob,

This is just a quick reply after looking at the first page!

Do you really want to publish your full name, address, and telephone number so freely on the Internet?

I'm going to suggest one of the moderators should modify your post to remove the download until you have a chance to correct your oversight.

Offline Smackbob

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: Life Sucks: Pilot Episode (Comedy)
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2011, 06:43:26 PM »
Tony, you are quite right. Ill be changing that immediately.

Thanks

Update: The post no longer has any personal information besides my name and I am okay with it in public.

Thanks again for the help.

The link without any personal information now is: http://randomideaz.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/life-sucks-pilot.pdf
« Last Edit: June 15, 2011, 07:16:38 PM by Smackbob »

Tony_A20

  • Guest
Re: Life Sucks: Pilot Episode (Comedy)
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2011, 07:54:47 PM »
Hello Bob,

Here are the notes I made while reading your script, hope they help.


Act I is faintly amusing with single dimensional characters like a1000 other sitcoms. Does John normally keep baloney next to his bed?

With the “stockbroker working in a Korean hair and nail salon” premise, I would have expected something about it sooner than page 13.

Act II scene one is better, could actually be funny. Should be Act I, scene one. Keep the scene pretty much as is, but introduce the other characters by having them come into the salon, starting with Sheila, then Ms. Shackleton. Have them discuss his date there, with Mrs. Kwan interjecting punchlines. Mrs. Kwan should be the one half of the third party in the major character triumvirate. See below for the other half.

Scene two - decided Michael is not funny, nor interesting, nor needed. John should find another friend. New friend should be fatter, balder, married, complacent, successful. Probably former stockbroker friend. He delivers the punch lines for the scenes outside the salon.

Rather than starting the story in the morning, start it in the evening at the salon just before quitting time. After some preliminary banter with Mrs. Kwan(the type of thing you now have in the opening salon scene is okay), Sheila comes in and brings up the subject of his date. Just before quitting time, John’s stockbroker friend comes by, and John Sheila and stockbroker friend go out for a drink at their friendly neighborhood tavern. The Tavern is an alternate story location for scenes with the stockbroker or anyone else. Sitting at a table in the bar is a good place for more serious interludes, where confidences can be shared, and doubts expressed, as relief for the comic scenes.

By page 20 I was tired of the song and lyric references. Not funny. Leave it, dump it, burn it, forget it.
The whole hotdog shtick is a waste of time. It’s not funny, it reveals nothing about the characters, and serves no story purpose.

The Ms. Shankton scene is okay and there are possibilities for a triangular relationship between her, John, and John’s stockbroker friend. Also allows for scenes in the salon where Sheila, Ms. Shackleton, and Mrs. Kwan, can talk behind John's and the male character's backs.

The whole thing with the notes is not funny, nor engaging. More funny possibilities are available if John is interested in someone, rather than the other way around. Drop the notes.

Act III Bull Dike Lounge -waste of time just to get another note. Lesbian bar scene not embarrassing, therefore not funny.

The surprise “failed date party” good idea to get all the characters together. Doesn’t need the note trail to get him home, he’s going to come anyway. Shouldn’t have taxi driver, or anonymous man at party  because they have not been established as John’s friends. Unfortunately, the scene is not funny. You need to set up something to transition to the next episode

As his "present" at the party, how about  his friends give him the telephone number of a girl they’ve chosen together as someone who would be "just right" for him, and make him telephone her, to make a date? It provides a starting point for the next episode and could be part of a running gag of his friends ( not necessarily together) setting him up with him impossible dates, which allows for guest appearances.  Also allows for a satisfying last episode when he meets the right girl.

« Last Edit: June 15, 2011, 08:03:05 PM by Tony_A20 »

Offline Smackbob

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: Life Sucks: Pilot Episode (Comedy)
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2011, 08:02:27 PM »
Tony, thanks for the feedback. Those were all great points and I'll be trying to incorporate a lot of them into my next revision of the script. More importantly, thanks for actually sitting through and reading it.

With this being the pilot episode, I was conflicted as to how to introduce the characters and you gave me a great starting point. Hopefully I'll have soe time over the weekend to make some upgrades to the script.

Rob

Tony_A20

  • Guest
Re: Life Sucks: Pilot Episode (Comedy)
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2011, 08:05:40 PM »
I made some last-second changes which you might've missed. You might like to read it again.

Hope you make it to air. Will I get a screen credit? :D
« Last Edit: June 15, 2011, 08:10:09 PM by Tony_A20 »

Offline Smackbob

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: Life Sucks: Pilot Episode (Comedy)
« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2011, 08:18:42 PM »
If this gets on the air, which would be the dream, anyone that has helped me along the way gets a screen credit. I may not be the most ethical person in the world but I do believe in giving credit to where it is due.

That said, I believe this is still a work in progress and needs to be polished and polished and... You get my drift...

Tony_A20

  • Guest
Re: Life Sucks: Pilot Episode (Comedy)
« Reply #9 on: June 16, 2011, 12:38:44 PM »
I was joking Rob, I make no claim upon your idea, nor wish any credit—screen or otherwise. I'm happy to help.

It would be nice though to know how you're getting along, drop back often and keep us in the picture.

Best wishes.