Author Topic: Scene #2 - (From post Full Scene ( My Screenplay Idea))  (Read 2822 times)

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Scene #2 - (From post Full Scene ( My Screenplay Idea))
« on: April 07, 2011, 10:28:33 PM »
This is the next scene from the previous post. I have tried to fit it on one page.
FADE IN:

Ext. Krishna Village - three days later, morning

Krishna village...a once beautiful and prosperous trading center before the arrival of the British. The houses are poorly built, and stand fairly close to one another,revealing this sense of unification. The sun is high in the air,and it is relatively hot in the area. The villagers are moving around the village, either helping each other out, bringing water or food to their families, but the sense of community can be seen. Just then, you see a couple of children, some with turbans, running around a group of houses, then traveling far out into the open area.
The children go to an open field, where they see a young boy working in that field, with a relatively old man, who is the head of the village, and a representative of it. His name is Nathar, while the boy's name is Aamir.

One of the boys

(In Hindi)

Aamir, we are going out to the field to play cricket! Want to come?

Amir lets go of what he was working with, and then turns to Nathar for permission.

Aamir works with Nathar for a couple of reasons: one is because his father forced him to get the job to earn some food, and secondly, he likes Nathar, and his sense of calm and relaxing nature. It was through him that Aamir learned about his religion.

Aamir
(In Hindi)

Baba, can I go play with them?

Nathar

(In Hindi)

Alright, but make sure you come by my house afterwords for the puja, okay?

Amir agrees, then goes out with his friends, crossing vast fields where the villagers have gone to work for the day, expecting something back from the British. They see several familiar people along the way. The sky is clear, and it seems like the day will go perfectly. They see a giant shrine with a sculpture of God embedded in it, and onthe outskirts, the untouchables are near it, asking for a better life, while the villagers are shooing them away.

                                                     CUT TO:

Ext. Sports field - a few hours later

The kids are playing their game of cricket, and are enjoying it extensively, while the sun continues to shine in the morning.

Aamir is the fielder, but you can see he is slightly distracted by something in the sky. A cloud, huge in size, is heading above the village. He remembers seeing a cloud this big on the day his mother died from sickness...

Just then, the cricket ball flies above him, and his team mates yell at him for being distracted and letting the ball fly past him.

ONE OF THE BOYS

(In Hindi)Aamir, what are you staring up at?! Go get the ball!

                                 CuT TO:

Ext. the open fields -cont.

Amir is now running across vast open area to find the ball, which acutaly took incredible distance. behind him,hehears his team members telling him to hurry up.

He finds the ball a considerable distance away, all wet, from a small puddle that it fell in. He wipes it with his rag of a shirt that Nathar gave him months ago when he had none.

He then directs his attention out into the landscape. He hears the drilling and pounding of hammer ahead of him...

Over head,the cloud has fallen over the village...

Ahead of Aamir are British workers, that seem to be building a series of railroads on the outskirts. Just then, they see the boy. Behind Amir, his friends also see what is happening.

ONE OF THE BOYS

(In Hindi)

What are they doing here?

ONE OF THE BOYS

(In Hindi)

It looks like they are building something big.

A villager

(In Hindi)

What is going on?

They see one of the villagers behind them, who is somewhat shocked at what is happening before them. Other villagers are also taking notice.

Then, a man on a horse appears from the behind the workers, and gallops near the people who are looking at the complex, probably to show off his steed.

Some of the villagers stare at him with surprise, while others look at him with anger.

The man on horseback smiles, then gallops towards the village, the villagers looking at the man as he passes.

A few more British admirals and an Indian translator on one of the horses, travel towards the central location of the village.

ONE OF THE BOYS

(In Hindi)

Lets go. Lets see why they are here.

The boys run towards the village as well, and so does Aamir, but he is unsure  of what is going on. He has seen the British before,and Nathar once told him that they are bad people, that want respect, but are not worth it, but he never told him why...

                                                    CUT TO:

Ext. The Village Center - three minutes later

The first horseman who had ridden past Aamir and his friends has out a piece of parchment paper, and is reading it to the villagers.

The villagers have all gathered near the area, women, men, children, babies, the elders...

Nathar, who is in front of the villagers, looks nervously at the horsemen, specifically the one reading. By him is the translator.

The kids, including Aamir, have just come from the fields, and are waiting by the well, listening.

Horseman

By the order of the viceroy of India, you are not entitled to rebel or revolt against the creation of the railroad complex...it is an important component of the economy of Britain.

The translator translates, and instantly, people start revolting, while Nathar tries to calm them.

Nathar

(In Hindi)

People, lets calm down! Calm down, please!

A fairly young man suddenly gets up from the crowd, about to talk back to his leader. His name is Sugriv, and is known for his talks about uprisings and revolts…
« Last Edit: April 08, 2011, 07:26:21 PM by Country4Gal »

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: Scene #2 - (From post Full Scene ( My Screenplay Idea))
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2011, 10:29:39 PM »
Hopefully this is more robust.
  :)

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: Scene #2 - (From post Full Scene ( My Screenplay Idea))
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2011, 08:11:41 PM »
I unfortunately had to cut some of the important dialogue out due to exceeding the word limit. If you don't understand something, ask the question in your post.

Offline Maimi

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Re: Scene #2 - (From post Full Scene ( My Screenplay Idea))
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2011, 09:38:21 AM »
Hello Jaskaran Rajput,

It looks as if this excerpt was posted before you had an opportunity to review and apply the feedback from your other post (http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,36345.0.html). I'd suggest reviewing feedback from that post, then revise this one.

Quote
Aamir works with Nathar for a couple of reasons: one is because his father forced him to get the job to earn some food, and secondly, he likes Nathar, and his sense of calm and relaxing nature. It was through him that Aamir learned about his religion.

He remembers seeing a cloud this big on the day his mother died from sickness...

He has seen the British before,and Nathar once told him that they are bad people, that want respect, but are not worth it, but he never told him why...
Here are a few areas where the information is given in a way that cannot be put on the screen. It's formatted as if it's action, however, it reads like a backstory, internal dialogue, narration, or the likes. If it's a voice over, then it should be formatted as such. If not, the information needs to come out through action, dialogue, a flashback, etc. Remember to ask yourself if you can see or hear what's written.

Quote
Amir is now running across vast open area to find the ball, which acutaly took incredible distance. behind him,hehears his team members telling him to hurry up.

He finds the ball a considerable distance away, all wet, from a small puddle that it fell in. He wipes it with his rag of a shirt that Nathar gave him months ago when he had none.
Sentence 1-
The "is ing" combo in the first sentence can be tightened. "Amir runs across.."

There is no need to write he is "now" running. If he runs, we know he is currently running.

Also, you repeat the length he runs by using "vast open area" and " incredible distance". There's no need to repeat the distance.

Sentence 2-
"A considerable distance away" is the third time distance is noted. It's unnecessary since it was covered in the first sentence.

Use solid or concrete verbs to paint the picture for the reader of the script. For example, does "Amir fishes/ferrets out the ball from a puddle" or "Amir roots around in the puddle" give the impression he had an easy time of it? Hopefully the reader can see he's having to put some effort in his search for the ball. After all, we don't want to make it too easy on him. ;)

I hope you find some of this helpful. I'm learning as I go along, too. Of course there's a big difference between learning and applying the knowledge, but with practice maybe it'll stick one day. ;)

-Maimi

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: Scene #2 - (From post Full Scene ( My Screenplay Idea))
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2011, 06:38:25 PM »
i will fix that.
 ;)

Offline qutr380620

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laven
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2011, 03:26:36 AM »
Yeah, that's right!!!