Hello Bob,
Here are the notes I made while reading your script, hope they help.
Act I is faintly amusing with single dimensional characters like a1000 other sitcoms. Does John normally keep baloney next to his bed?
With the “stockbroker working in a Korean hair and nail salon” premise, I would have expected something about it sooner than page 13.
Act II scene one is better, could actually be funny. Should be Act I, scene one. Keep the scene pretty much as is, but introduce the other characters by having them come into the salon, starting with Sheila, then Ms. Shackleton. Have them discuss his date there, with Mrs. Kwan interjecting punchlines. Mrs. Kwan should be the one half of the third party in the major character triumvirate. See below for the other half.
Scene two - decided Michael is not funny, nor interesting, nor needed. John should find another friend. New friend should be fatter, balder, married, complacent, successful. Probably former stockbroker friend. He delivers the punch lines for the scenes outside the salon.
Rather than starting the story in the morning, start it in the evening at the salon just before quitting time. After some preliminary banter with Mrs. Kwan(the type of thing you now have in the opening salon scene is okay), Sheila comes in and brings up the subject of his date. Just before quitting time, John’s stockbroker friend comes by, and John Sheila and stockbroker friend go out for a drink at their friendly neighborhood tavern. The Tavern is an alternate story location for scenes with the stockbroker or anyone else. Sitting at a table in the bar is a good place for more serious interludes, where confidences can be shared, and doubts expressed, as relief for the comic scenes.
By page 20 I was tired of the song and lyric references. Not funny. Leave it, dump it, burn it, forget it.
The whole hotdog shtick is a waste of time. It’s not funny, it reveals nothing about the characters, and serves no story purpose.
The Ms. Shankton scene is okay and there are possibilities for a triangular relationship between her, John, and John’s stockbroker friend. Also allows for scenes in the salon where Sheila, Ms. Shackleton, and Mrs. Kwan, can talk behind John's and the male character's backs.
The whole thing with the notes is not funny, nor engaging. More funny possibilities are available if John is interested in someone, rather than the other way around. Drop the notes.
Act III Bull Dike Lounge -waste of time just to get another note. Lesbian bar scene not embarrassing, therefore not funny.
The surprise “failed date party” good idea to get all the characters together. Doesn’t need the note trail to get him home, he’s going to come anyway. Shouldn’t have taxi driver, or anonymous man at party because they have not been established as John’s friends. Unfortunately, the scene is not funny. You need to set up something to transition to the next episode
As his "present" at the party, how about his friends give him the telephone number of a girl they’ve chosen together as someone who would be "just right" for him, and make him telephone her, to make a date? It provides a starting point for the next episode and could be part of a running gag of his friends ( not necessarily together) setting him up with him impossible dates, which allows for guest appearances. Also allows for a satisfying last episode when he meets the right girl.
