Author Topic: 3rd scene in Morales Inning's Gallery  (Read 1546 times)

jwatson300011

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3rd scene in Morales Inning's Gallery
« on: June 11, 2011, 11:04:58 PM »
INT. LARGE APARTMENT - DAY

Circa: 2010

There are 5 paintings on separate easels. Painting #1 is of a one story structure engulfed in flames.
In the foreground are grotesque abstracts of a man and woman in mental anguish, weeping, pulling their hair.

Painting #2 is of the statue of a proud man. Men with ropes tied to various parts of the statue pull it down. Again, in the foreground, the same abstract of man and woman.

Painting #3 is of two silhouettes laying prone on the floor, one on top of the other, belly to belly. The one on top rears its head back, its mouth widely parted. The one on the bottom grits her teeth as tears stream from her eyes.

Painting #4 features the naked pelvic area of a Black man. His penis rests in his palm as blood drips from  the urethra.

Painting #5 features three green eyed, laughing children, two boys and one girl. In the foreground is a woman with tears falling down her face, looking away from the laughing children.

Painting #6 features a black woman with her back against the wall, a look of terror on her face. The painting displays only the backs of the heads of two white men with hand guns trained on her. This particular painting appears to be incomplete.

Theresa (Adversary#1 in scene#1)sits studying each of the pictures. She wipes a tear from her eye as she sniffles. She turns towards the sound of a man, Morales, (Adversary#7 in scene#1) sitting on the floor MOANING in a drunken stupor. Heís wearing a smock splattered with oil paint, holding a paint brush in one hand and a palette in the other.

                                                                  MORALES
                                          All this bullshit, and nothingís changed. You,
                                          all these men.

Theresa heads for a full length mirror and admires the form fitting dress.
                                                                  
                                                                  MORALES (CONTD)
                                           Iím destroying the people I love.
                                                                  
                                                                  THERESA
                                          Thatís what we do. (beat) I see you
                                          havenít completed my picture. Itís
                                          my favorite.
                                                                  
                                                                   MORALES
                                          Itís your idea. You finish it.

Theresa runs her hand along her sides as she views herself from different angles.
                                                                  
                                                                  THERESA (CONTD)
                                           But youíre the talented one, Morales. Remember?
                                           The one with the gift.

She puts on her coat and heads for the exit. Furiously, Morales leaps up off the floor and storms over to Theresa, standing in between her and the door.
                                                                  
                                                                   MORALES
                                                         (hissing)
                                              Whatís happening to us?

Cautiously, Theresa chooses her words.
                                                                  
                                                                  THERESA
                                              Our eyes were opened.

Morales continues staring, desperately, into Theresa's stone cold face.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2011, 11:10:07 PM by jwatson300011 »

Tony_A20

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Re: 3rd scene in Morales Inning's Gallery
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2011, 07:00:49 PM »
This is a very short scene, I would guess the runtime would be about 30 seconds. I have not seen any previous introductory material, so giving an opinion is difficult. The format and layout appears correct and professional, which makes it much easier to read.

Iím not sure of the purpose of the description of the five paintings, but they do help to set the mood for the following dialogue.  The dialogue itself appears acceptably normal for the scene and characters, and the movement direction possible.

Whether the scene is well written or not, I canít really judge without knowing more about the story. Acting will make the scene, not the dialogue.

I do think the line where MORALES says, ďWhatís happening to us?Ē which is in the present tense, should be changed to ďWhatís happened to us?Ē because there is no indication of anything happening to either of them in the scene, and to agree in tense, with the
next line by THERESA, ďOur eyes were opened.Ē


jwatson300011

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Re: 3rd scene in Morales Inning's Gallery
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2011, 07:20:10 PM »
To me, that's a brilliant suggestion. "What's happened to us" does seem to have more impact for the reasons you gave.

But, I don't know if you're registered on triggerstreet, but if you go to www.triggerstreet.com, you could read it in it's entirety. I would love to get your opinion on it. I've noticed that you and Maime seem to understand the details of script writting better than most.

I will tell you that a part of my concern is the totally negative feedback I received from a triggerstreet reviewer that sort of baffled me. I would appreciate your feedback.

Tony_A20

  • Guest
Re: 3rd scene in Morales Inning's Gallery
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2011, 07:38:08 PM »
I'm sorry, but I don't want to start chasing scripts around the Internet. I find it challenging enough just keeping up with posts on MWC. If you post your script here I'm sure there are many forum members capable of commenting skillfully about it. I have studied script writing, but I am not a scriptwriter. I am learning to write stories.

Post your script, and if it is interesting I am sure you will receive helpful comments and advice.

I would not worry about any negative feedback you receive from a single reviewer on anything you write. When evaluating a review you should carefully consider what is said, decide for yourself whether the reviewer has found weaknesses in your script, and correct what you think is necessary.
« Last Edit: June 12, 2011, 07:43:28 PM by Tony_A20 »

jwatson300011

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Re: 3rd scene in Morales Inning's Gallery
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2011, 07:49:50 PM »
Good luck with the stories. And thank you.