Author Topic: First Posting  (Read 2829 times)

Offline russcole

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First Posting
« on: January 29, 2006, 03:38:54 AM »
This is a first posting of a recent poem of mine.

I am keen to get any feedback. Russ



    THE COUPLE


A couple, old but active, where making love in bed.

Though it was nearly winter, still all their clothes were shed.

Their skins were pale and wrinkled but their ardour was intense.

The coupling slow and caring but the pleasure was immense.


They lay later, close together, in a loving warm embrace.

The view, if you were watching, was one of perfect grace.

They spoke with deep emotion, of  the past life they had shared,

Of memories, of friends and things, for which they’d really cared.


Til finally, they fell asleep, still in each other’s  arms,

Two old contented lovers, each seduced by sweet loves charms.

They woke refreshed next morning, and having checked for pain,

They cuddled for a moment, and then made love again.

Jayel

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Re: First Posting
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2006, 01:34:30 PM »
The slow, graceful rhythm of your words matches the sublime content of your work.  This is an exquisite portrayal of what life's love should hold as the years pass.

Thank you for sharing your work.

Offline Linda Aitchison

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Re: First Posting
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2006, 04:18:25 AM »
I'm by no means an expert - just your average reader. But I loved the last two lines. I also loved the sense of peace and dignity about the couple - who could want for anything more than such shared memories? :)
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Offline Ebru

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Re: First Posting
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2006, 07:39:20 AM »
I'm just newly wed but sure hope that's how me and hubby will feel in years to come.....

good work

Offline ellie-zabeth

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Re: First Posting
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2006, 03:56:15 PM »
Lovely and evocative words and imagery of lasting love.  I recall a line from somewhere, not sure where, that came to mind: 'Wrapping themselves warmly in each other's ease' which, to me, invokes the comfort felt when two people are well and truly connected. Thank you for this special offering.
((((ellie-zabeth))))

BiancaMiller13

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Re: First Posting
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2006, 07:38:17 PM »
Well worked peice.  Have you worked on this long, or are you one of those wonderfully gifted people that can just spit stuff like this at a moment's whim?  (Augh, I wish I could)  The tone and pace really complemented your words.  Truly touching, peaceful and erotic.
One note...the very last sentence doesn't seem to follow the timing of the rest.  Perhaps a bit shorter than the rest...syllable wise.  Dunno, read it over and see what you come up with.
Well done!