Author Topic: Another piece of my play  (Read 2942 times)

Offline Pieinsky

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Another piece of my play
« on: August 10, 2006, 02:17:56 PM »
This is a rough draft on another scene of my play. Sarah is the daughter of a chieftain who has been prepared since childhood to marry a son of another clan; the other character is her woman servant. This scene mainly involves Sarah lamenting over the fact her fiancé paid little attention to her at a banquet held by the two clans where the two meet for the first time in years.

You may notice that Deirdre speaks particularly off track at times, but I am not trying to make my characters reflect the way I speak at all. Looking for feed back. :)


Deirdre:( crying)


Deirdre: He didn’t take any interest in me. He didn’t even attempt to catch even one look at me Brijet; he acted as if I were compiled of just air, as if I were some transparent thing to be looked through….most, most of what he did during the banquet was have his eyes pulled by the passing slave girls.


(Picking the petals off daisies) Graine:To think, I thought my life was a rare one, a lone trivial pursuit devoid of any significant purpose. I suppose we women take what little is given to us and desperately attempt to make dear meaning of it; in your case it is a man that is assigned the role that prevents your feet from falling. A foundation of a life.

Deirdre: What are you implying?

Graine: Nothing nothing at all. Any way a woman’s words wouldn’t even buy you the muck a pig would bathe itself in, especially that of a slave girl. And a welsh one at that.

Deirdre: I made a pledge Brijet, to the only person who ever gave me the rare gem of love in my family. The only person that cared about me within my domestic domain. A vow that I would bring a peace between the clans.

Graine: What the old man, your grandfather.

Deirdre : How dare you speak of him in such a way?

Graine: Your right, I apologize, I spook out of turn.

Deirdre: Alas, my parents are without tender hearts. I am nothing precious to them, no ruby red or emerald green; to my father I am but to serve him as a mere reflection of his character, my definition of disposition never to attain perfection.

Graine: You’re just a stool for his ego, to stand on high as the celestial bodies themselves.

Deirdre: And my mother, I think she think me a daughter of another.(sighs)

(Goes to comfort her)

Graine: He was probably just exploring the exotics of other women before he’s relegated for the exclusive pleasures of you. I’m sure he’ll stay true to the bond.
 Sure.., both of you have been prepared to wed each other since the day your eyes first caught sight of part of the world. You really think he’s going to refuse admission of the marriage to the lovely wife to be Deirdre. I don’t think so.

Deirdre: Oh Windrid, I so ever grateful for the hope you fill me with, though you can be a bit pessimistic at times. (Both giggle) And at times I don’t blame you, I mean, I never had loving parents, you did, but were compelled to abandon them, despoiled of your time that you should have had with them. Stolen from your home to be brought into the realm of the slave world.

Graine: A domain of darkness, where one is nearly devoid of personal sovereignty. Men are weak, they find something powerful, something stronger then them self’s and then they follow it like flowers follow the sun.  Oh we women have it hard, don’t we.

Deidre: hmm( agreement)

« Last Edit: August 10, 2006, 02:20:19 PM by Pieinsky »

Offline custard

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Re: Another piece of my play
« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2006, 05:09:46 PM »
hiya pieinsky, i'm gonna give you my two-pence worth of information on this, hopefully it will help. The first thing i noticed was the use of poetic, period-style speech in some parts. I would try to avoid using this in the first instance, maybe write it as you would say it, and then research how to use that sort of language for the edit. Research ( i believe ) is your main downfall if your gonna make your play plausable. Are these Irish clans? If so, would they have had Welsh slaves?

Some of the language your using is very good, just not always consistant. Maybe you could write a little info for yourself about each character, you could then look back on it to remind yourself of how that person would act, or what they would say in certain situations. It might seem like a pointless exercise because you have the characters in your head, but it honestly helps me when i'm writing.

You have something intresting here, and should definately keep going, you may think my comments are nonsense, and you might be right. either way i hope you see that i'm trying to help. :)

Offline Pieinsky

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Re: Another piece of my play
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2006, 10:31:12 AM »
 Custard I am grateful for the gift of certain advice you have given me. Your recommendation on the first paragraph seems to have a deer value and I feel persuaded to use it, sadly in most instances in the play such will not be possible as I have already written the first layer for most of the plays scenes.
As for your query, there were times when Ireland did raid costal areas of Britain mainly for the purpose of attaining slaves, however based on certain dialogue in my play it does not seem that the play takes place during that era, but I am not looking for a perfect parroting of reality, as you know the Celtic Irish never spoke in that format of speech. As for your advice on the second paragraph, yes I do have the characters psyche’s installed in my mind but I only put a small subset of character descriptions for this play on paper. I appreciate the feedback. :)

I still feel reassured that I would take pleasure in more of your insights on these small extracts of the play. ;D