Author Topic: Opening Scene Revised (500 words)  (Read 1017 times)

Offline Zand

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Opening Scene Revised (500 words)
« on: May 16, 2011, 01:39:37 PM »
Hey again.

After taking some much needed and appreciated advice I've revised the section I posted a few days ago and was hoping to get some opinions.
And thank you, I've already learned so much from joining this website.  :D


Jamie Williams glanced out the window of the aircraft in an effort to ease his mind. He and his newly acquainted colleague, Katie Roseblade, had been on the plane from America to Sweden for seven hours and he was probably the only person willing each minute to go slower. For the majority of the journey Katie had been sitting back with her eyes closed. If it was anyone else Jamie would have appreciated the solitude. But the way she appeared not to have a worry in the world whilst he was counting down the minutes had been continuously annoying him.  Until now he’d believed he could always keep a cool head regardless of what he was doing. But instead, it was the newbie keeping her mind straight and not him - the newbie that had never even worked a con before. If someone had told him a week ago that he’d be working the biggest job of his life with someone he’d only known for little over a day and to top that off that there was no money involved he’d have laughed in their face. But here they were.

   He shifted in his seat in an attempt to get comfortable. To his dismay his elbow brushed Katie’s arm causing her to finally open her eyes. She shot him a sharp glare and the phrase ‘Be careful what you wish for’ came to mind. He let out a deep breath and sat back to relax himself. But even after he had stopped fidgeting Katie seemed unsatisfied. He looked back at her for a couple of seconds before asking, “What?”

   She ignored him and tilted her head back, returning to the same stance she had imposed for the last two hours. Jamie thought it was a shame someone so pretty had such a horrible personality. Admittedly, there were good reasons for her mood. Even so, that silky blonde hair and green eyes seemed wasted. Jamie was hardly in a position to judge others though. Dropping out of college in the first year to trick people out of money and he’s never felt even a tinge of guilt for the lives he’s ruined. The people’s he’s hurt. Without even realising it he’s become the one person he hated the most. The one person he’d do anything to get the opportunity to kill. The man who’d conned his parents and then murdered them after messing it up. Jamie was a child when it happened, made to witness the whole thing from inside a wardrobe.

   He clenched his fist and let out a heavy breath.

   The pilot’s voice came through the intercom, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a reminder that we will be taking a detour via France to get to our destination.  After the recent disaster no planes are currently permitted to fly over the United Kingdom. Thank you.”

   That was the message they’d been waiting for.



EDIT: Fixed it a little.
EDIT 2: And a bit more
« Last Edit: May 22, 2011, 03:58:28 PM by Flawless »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Opening Scene Revised (500 words)
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2011, 02:00:50 PM »
Much, much stronger. I can imagine their ages [without the numbers now], what they might be up to and POV seems tight now. Well done :) :) :)

So  . . .
Quote
Without even realising it he’s become the one person he hated the most. The one person he’d do anything to get the opportunity to kill. The man who murdered his parents after his own con had gone badly. Jamie was a child when it happened, made to witness the whole thing from inside a wardrobe.
This sounds like Jamie was the one who murdered his parents but obvioiusly hasn't because he witnessed it from the wardrobe.

 :) :) :)

Offline Zand

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Re: Opening Scene Revised (500 words)
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2011, 02:08:55 PM »
Thank you so much 510bhan  ;D

I really appreciate your help

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Opening Scene Revised (500 words)
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2011, 02:19:01 PM »
That makes it clearer - no confusion now. :D

Offline jvk1120

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Re: Opening Scene Revised (500 words)
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2011, 11:55:16 PM »
Some extra words here and there but not enough to make me stop reading.  Interesting start.


But still
But even
A moment later and she was shooting (if there's no time gap, no real need to add 'a moment later') (she was shooting...she shot?..might be a better word out there...)

A moment later and she was shooting him a sharp glare which now made him understand the phase ‘Be careful what you wish for (could easily be)
Her sharp glare said 'be careful what you wish for'

Offline Zand

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Re: Opening Scene Revised (500 words)
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2011, 11:25:43 AM »
Thanks for the help Juk1120

Followed your advice and fixed those bits :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Opening Scene Revised (500 words)
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2011, 02:16:22 PM »
phase >>> phrase ;)

Offline Zand

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Re: Opening Scene Revised (500 words)
« Reply #7 on: May 17, 2011, 02:42:21 PM »
Whoops. Thank you  ;D