Author Topic: First Draft opening scene - 450 Words  (Read 865 times)

Offline Zand

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First Draft opening scene - 450 Words
« on: May 13, 2011, 03:53:30 PM »
Hey everyone.

This is the opening scene to the novel I've just started and I was hoping to get some opinions.

Jamie Williams glanced out the window of the commercial jet in an effort to distract himself from the events which would soon unfold. He and his newly acquainted colleague, Katie Roseblade, had been on the plane from American to Sweden for seven hours, and he had been counting down each minute since the flight began. The twenty-one year old Englishman had never been on a plane this sized before, but the flying wasn’t what was bothering him. He crossed his feet under the chair in an attempt to stop his leg from shaking, but as he did his fingers began tapping on the arm rest. His patience was made ever worse by Katie calmly sitting back with her eyes closed. Before the flight he would have put good money on him being the calm one. God knows he’s had his fair share of morally grey acts. But nothing like this - Nothing this big. In two minutes both of their lives would change forever.

   And it wouldn’t be for the better.

   Katie’s eyes opened and almost as quickly Jamie found her frowning at him. She didn’t need to say a word for him to understand why. He let out a deep breath and sat back, trying to relax himself. Even after he had stopped fidgeting Katie’s sharp gaze had not shifted. He looked back at her for a couple of seconds before asking, “What?”

   She tilted her head back and closed her eyes again. The blonde nineteen year old had, for the most part, been managing to keep her mind at rest. She had a lot more to lose than he did. And she knew if she thought it through for even a moment the chances of her letting herself do what was necessary would be unlikely. Nevertheless, she knew the consequences for not finishing what they’d started would be far greater.

   The pilot’s voice came through the intercom, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a reminder that we will be taking a detour through France to get to our destination.  After the recent damage no planes are currently permitted to fly over the United Kingdom. Thank you.”  

   Jamie studied Katie’s body language for a moment before looking straight ahead and saying, “He’s gonna understand, you know.”

   Katie glared at him the same way she had before and for the same length of time before finally answering, “And you know that do you? You’ve known him for what . . . half a day?”

   “You’re right.” A sly smirk spread across his face. “Forgive me for trying to make you feel better.”

   “You don’t need to make me feel better.”

   “Good.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and added, “Because it’s go time.”

Thank you!
Also, I'm planning to change the name Jamie as it was pointed out the last time I posted that it didn't go well with Katie. Just not managed to find a fitting name yet.
« Last Edit: May 13, 2011, 03:56:27 PM by Flawless »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: First Draft opening scene - 450 Words
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2011, 04:13:30 PM »
Hi - 'commercial jet' - as opposed to a private jet?

American to Sweden >>> America

21 year old and 19 year old bugged me - are their precise ages important? Is there another way you could work this in? At the moment all the reader needs to know is that they are young folk [older than teens and have left school and not so old they are bound down by the drudgery of careers/marriage etc] which you could maybe portray in their demeanour/choice of music/where they work or study?

I can see you want to excite the reader by building up something bad/spooky/earth-shattering is going to happen but for me it spoils the surprise with you being so explicit about it. Hint at it more through his tension.

You need to decide whose POV you are using -- at the moment we can see things through both sets of eyes and they need to be from one perspective or another. [The passage about Katie is in her POV]

detour through France >>> over or via

JMO ;) ;) ;)

Offline Zand

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Re: First Draft opening scene - 450 Words
« Reply #2 on: May 13, 2011, 04:20:45 PM »
Yeah I see what you mean, I'll try and work around the age thing and tone down the build up a little.

About the whole POV thing, when exactly are you allowed to switch that? Are you suppose to keep it as one person for each chapter?

Thanks   :D

Offline 510bhan

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Re: First Draft opening scene - 450 Words
« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2011, 04:22:15 PM »
Fraid so :-\

Offline Zand

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Re: First Draft opening scene - 450 Words
« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2011, 04:24:55 PM »
I'm not sure quite why this never occured to me. So thanks for point that out   :)
« Last Edit: May 13, 2011, 04:33:43 PM by Flawless »

Offline BBBlogger

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Re: First Draft opening scene - 450 Words
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2011, 05:06:22 PM »
The twenty-one year old Englishman had never been on a plane this sized before,

His patience was made ever worse by Katie calmly impatience heightened by Katie calmness.-- ??? something like that ??

this - N nothing this big.

Plus what Sio said. :)