New script idea TV / drama, real life circumstances

[Brettney]

Hi, I'll continue on Misfits and also work on this too.

This is very much more of a serious drama / real life situations tv drama.

This is just the beginnings, but would like to know what you think of the opener of the 1st scene.

The Disappearance of Dempsey Girl

Narration:
Three years have passed since that fateful day … nobody seen it coming, it was like a bolt of lightning coming into contact with a virgin heart shattering it right through like a sheet of thin fragile glass.
A family left devastated in the wake of pure evil, an evil that could only be responsible for stripping a bright and bubbly girl with much to live for, but wanted for so little from a family that brimmed with love and admiration for her.

Camera pans over a small white thatched roof cottage, smoke billows from the chimney, its appearance is warm and inviting, a family home full of love. A small girl is seen playing in the front garden with her dolly on an old rope swing tied to a similarly older oak tree. The girl has pink pigtails and long brown flowing hair; she is around 7 years old. Suddenly the girl turns translucent and opaque and disappears into an un-nerving sudden thick pea soup like mist which suddenly develops.

Cut To: Inside Thatched Roof Cottage / Living room, camera pans over photographs of the same little girl from outside atop an old Victorian style fireplace where a warm roaring fire blazed furiously. Camera continues to pan across to a wall adorned with newspaper cuttings of awards and accolades for the pictured little girl. Camera continues panning over newspaper headlines which read “GIRL DISSAPEARS IN MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES” and “DEMPSEY GIRL VANISHES”.

[TheDestroyer]

Hi, I'll continue on Misfits and also work on this too.

This is very much more of a serious drama / real life situations tv drama.

This is just the beginnings, but would like to know what you think of the opener of the 1st scene.

The Disappearance of Dempsey Girl

Narration:
Three years have passed since that fateful day … nobody seen saw it coming, it was like a bolt of lightning coming into contact with a virgin heart shattering it right through like a sheet of thin fragile glass (far too descriptive for a narration. in addition it's too much of a change in rhythm from the rest of the sentence.)
A family left devastated in the wake of pure evil, an evil that could only be responsible for stripping a bright and bubbly girl with much to live for, but wanted for so little from a family that brimmed with love and admiration for her. Once again, far too wordy.

Camera pans over a small white thatched roof cottage, smoke billows from the chimney, its appearance is warm and inviting, a family home full of love. A small girl is seen playing in the front garden with her dolly on an old rope swing tied to a similarly older oak tree. The girl has pink pigtails and long brown flowing hair; she is around 7 years old. Suddenly the girl turns translucent and opaque and disappears into an un-nerving sudden thick pea soup like mist which suddenly develops.

Cut To: Inside Thatched Roof Cottage / Living room, camera pans over photographs of the same little girl from outside atop an old Victorian style fireplace where a warm roaring fire blazed furiously. Camera continues to pan across to a wall adorned with newspaper cuttings of awards and accolades for the pictured little girl. Camera continues panning over newspaper headlines which read “GIRL DISSAPEARS DISAPPEARS IN MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES” and “DEMPSEY GIRL VANISHES”.

Definitely an interesting premise. But as for the narration, it's too much. You don't want the narration telling the entire story, sort of just an icing on a cake. Believe it or not, the less words you use, the more awesome it sounds.

Good luck!

[morganlyfe]

I agree with TheDestroyer, that it's a great story idea, but it's a little wordy. Also, I'm not sure what you're using it for, but most scripts don't like screenwriters mentioning the camera directions. Unless you've been told otherwise, I'd scratch out "Camera pans over to" and just have "Smoke billows from the chimney of a small white thatched roof..." If you just describe things in order (for example, "A roaring (you don't really need warm, because that's assumed) fire blazes furiously in the fireplace. Newspapers decorate the halls with the headlines..." the director should pick up the hint to focus on the fire, and then the newspapers.

Hope that helps. Content wise, I'd say it's an attention grabbing first scene. It sounds like the start of what could be a very captivating mystery.

[Brettney]

Hi

Apologies for my own dissapearance lol

Im back now and ill try to do more on this although ive went off the idea of mystery and drama, comedy is more my thing

Bx