Author Topic: two new shoes..... i mean poems  (Read 1660 times)

Offline The Velvet Man

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two new shoes..... i mean poems
« on: August 08, 2006, 06:19:02 PM »
The Girl in the dream


Smudge of darkness
that shatters the glare of light,
but slowed
to observe every detail.
Flailing wings, ever moving
masks the bright light
which breaks the darkness that rolls across the bare underside of pale breast,
she tilts her body
as if to land,
but she will always be falling in my eyes

------------
Fallen


Cowering under the weight of her loneliness
she sits and weeps.
Light fades quickly from the sky she is lost under while,
mountain shadows rest comfortably beneath the
star strewn night.

Her silhouette blazes
Casting lines of light upon the horizon.
Tear drops which twinkle like a thousand distant suns
fall shattering in to shards of pale light,
and with a lonely heart
and a lovelorn soul
she curls her wings

----------
i've gone through an angel phase. feel free to nitpick


the velvet man from the clog-bacterium colony
« Last Edit: August 08, 2006, 06:20:47 PM by The Velvet Man »
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Offline Amie

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Re: two new shoes..... i mean poems
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2006, 04:00:52 AM »
Does "feel free to nitpick" mean that you don't want any serious criticism?  (ie, is it the same as saying "Comments of a minor nature only please?")

I will tailor my feedback in line with your response (honestly).
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

wizard7wolf

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Re: two new shoes..... i mean poems
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2006, 07:05:06 AM »
I'm just gonna say that they were both quite sad to me (Doesn't mean I don't like them)
And that they could almost be one and the same, just continue on

Offline The Velvet Man

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Re: two new shoes..... i mean poems
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2006, 08:56:57 AM »
nay saturnine! it simply means put whatever you feel.

and wizard, do you mean 'sad' as in iím going to shed a tear after reading them? I see what you mean about the fact that they could almost be integrated, but both scenarios are very different.
At first was planning on writing a series of poems each symbolising a different emotion.


                                      Velvet
gfhfgfhfgfhfgfhfgfhfgfhfkkkkkkkkkfb id dddbd didd dohdbd dindbd did ddjjdd jdnba,dbnfm,basnmd,bnfm,absnm,fbdnm,fbabaucuchchuicihuchuichi e e ehhhhf
fbemqw,ebdnm,abnm,bfbnmd,smsnabababbbndmm,mfabBEUEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUbnmmmdddbnucbdui,khestheye eyebeuevdh?

wizard7wolf

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Re: two new shoes..... i mean poems
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2006, 09:00:14 AM »
I don't mean i'd shed a tear....more like....if I just read it and someone cracked a joke, I wouldn't laugh
I can't read it with a smile on my face if you know what I mean?

wizard7wolf

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Re: two new shoes..... i mean poems
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2006, 09:00:49 AM »
Makes you think....

Offline Amie

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Re: two new shoes..... i mean poems
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2006, 09:25:59 AM »
Okey dokey.

When I first read this, I thought you were talking about a bird.  I liked it better as a bird -- anthropomorphising to this degree is quite unusual.  Then I read your comment about being in an angel phase, and was a bit disappointed.  The image of a traditional angel with wings etc is less interesting to me.

I think that affects the overall reading for me.  Some of the phrases seem contradictory: for example, "smudges" suggests indistinctness, whereas "shatters" and "glare" suggest the opposite -- this may be on purpose, but I wasn't sure what benefit the contradiction offered in this instance.  As another example "Cowering under the weight of her loneliness" -- "cowering" suggests fear, whereas loneliness is more likely to be associated with dullness or despondency than fear...  and, even given poetic license, the imagery doesn't work for me -- I find it difficult to envisage someone "cowering" under a weight.  You have to sort of be relatively unencumbered to cower ... 

In the second poem, some of the phrases, word combinations and themes seem a bit clicheed to me.  For example, loneliness is such well trodden material, you really have to think of some unusual associations to maintain the average reader's interest (or um, mine anyway...  I think I'm a pretty average reader ;) ).  Same with references to tear drops, stars and sparkling suns.  Ditto "lonely heart" and "lovelorn soul".

Quote
the velvet man from the clog-bacterium colony

This was much better, much more original :)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka