Author Topic: Earlier in my Screenplay - Kindred - Adult language  (Read 1537 times)

Offline Kindred

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Earlier in my Screenplay - Kindred - Adult language
« on: May 11, 2011, 01:48:23 PM »
Some have asked to see more of Kindred so I am posting content toward the beginning to give a backdrop.  Constructive feedback is always appreciated.


INT. UNIVERSITY OF DELAWARE - AUDITORIUM

The room is filled with at least 500 people as Ryan gives a speech on the human body's ability to sustain life.

Among those in attendance are a younger Caitlin Colby and Dr. Joseph Wesser, accompanied by MARGARET GOSCH, 52. As Ryan speaks, Margaret whispers in Dr. Wesser’s ear.

RYAN

In 1900 the average life expectancy was forty-nine and in 2000 - a hundred years later - the average life expectancy was seventy six years old.

(he pauses)

Now, I want you to consider the fact that over a hundred-year span, and before 2000 which was really when modern medicine started advancing so rapidly, the average life expectancy increased twenty seven years. What will it be by 2100? one hundred and five? I think not... Try one hundred and thirty five.

Ryan pauses again and looks around the audience.

RYAN

And that's a VERY modest figure... There is no reason to believe, ladies and gentlemen, that the average life expectancy in the year 2100 will be less than one hundred and fifty years old. Now I don’t know about all of you, but that number makes me tired just saying it…

He gets the laugh he anticipated

RYAN

Now there are people in the field that will tell you differently. They will tell you that the human body is not built to live that long. Some of them may even be in attendance tonight. They will tell you that we'll be lucky to reach ninety by the year 2100. I ask them why?

There's a rumble in the audience. It’s Dr. Wesser’s cough followed by a wheeze. He stands.

WESSER

You sound very sure of yourself.

RYAN

That’s one of them now.

The audience laughs once again

RYAN

And you are sir?

WESSER

Wesser...Dr. Joseph Wesser.

(Coughing)

Excuse me... I wonder, Mr. Schaefer, if your numbers only take into account science.

RYAN

I’m not taking into account magic, if that’s what you’re asking.

Once again he gets the laugh he was expecting.

WESSER

It’s very funny. Magic. I mean Karma.

RYAN

Excuse me?

WESSER

Karma.

RYAN

Right…

Ryan ignores Dr. Wesser, turning his attention to the rest of the group.

RYAN

I have to apologize, ladies and gentleman, we get all different types at these symposiums…

Another laugh from the crowd.

RYAN

It looks as though we've run over a bit. If there are no other questions about the tooth fairy or Easter Bunny, I'll say goodnight…

Yet another laugh as he steps away from the podium. He joins a group of students at the base of the stage. One of them is Caitlin Colby.

As he speaks, Margaret and Wesser wait in the wings. Ryan glances up from time to time.

He continues talking and looks up once again to see they've disappeared. He breaks free from the group, and walks up the aisle, as Caitlin Colby steps in front of him.

CAITLIN

Mr. Schaefer, may I speak with you privately?

RYAN

(flirtatiously)

You can do whatever you want to privately…

CAITLIN

Don’t tempt me…

Caitlin giggles like an innocent school girl, but Ryan is not fooled. She gains her composure…

CAITLIN

Seriously though, I’m a graduate student at the university and was wondering if you could help me...

CUT TO:

INT. Backstage of the auditorium

Ryan has Caitlin on top of a table in between her legs. He thrusts several times with his hand over her mouth to keep her from moaning.

CUT TO:

The two getting dressed hurriedly…

RYAN

Caitlin, right? It was...educational. I’m late but…can I call you?

CAITLIN

Sure.

RYAN

Great. Take care.

CAITLIN

Don’t you want my number?

RYAN

Right… Thanks for reminding me..

(taking the piece of paper)

I’ll call you… OK?


EXT - UNIVERSITY OF DELAWARE AUDITORIUM

Ryan walks down a stone stairway. As he turns the corner he sees Margaret and Dr. Wesser waiting for him.

WESSER

May I have a moment with you Mr. Schaefer?

RYAN

I’m running late, and I don’t know where to find the Loch Ness monster anyway.

WESSER

Yes… again it’s very funny… Loch Ness… This is my associate Margaret Gosch.

RYAN

(reluctantly shaking her hand)

So, what can I do for the two of you?

MARGARET

We would like to buy you a late lunch.

RYAN

I have to get to a meeting.

MARGARET

It will be worth your while, Ryan.

For some reason Ryan feels comfortable with her.

RYAN

You know what? I’ll take you up on that lunch. I’m assuming you're not from around here? I have the perfect place.

INT. EAGLE DINER

Ryan sits on one side of a booth and Wesser and Margaret on the other. Wesser picks up a fork to inspect it, and breathes heavily on the prongs, then cleans them with his napkin.

Ryan looks at him with a funny look as if to say ”Really?”. Dr. Wesser inspects the rest of his silverware.

WESSER

Do you have any idea why we wanted to speak with you?

RYAN

I’m not a mind reader.

MARGARET

Perhaps it would be better if I explained it to you, Ryan.

RYAN

OK. Before we get started though, I want to be sure that this isn’t anything weird.

MARGARET

Ryan, what I am going to tell you may seem rather abstract, but I can assure you that the concepts we'll be discussing have scientific data to support them.

RYAN

I’m listening.

MARGARET

At the symposium earlier, Dr. Wesser asked you about the subject of Karma.

RYAN

OK. This is what I was afraid of...

Ryan stands to leave.

WESSER

(Grabbing his arm)

You do not want to miss what Ms. Gosch is going to tell you.

Ryan looks at Wesser’s hand and with his eyes tells him to remove it from his arm. After Wesser complies. Ryan sits back down, but speaks in a harsh whisper.

RYAN

Listen, you two… I am a Scientist. My theories, however far-reaching as they may be at times, are based in reality... I don’t deal in the supernatural.

MARGARET

Who says we are dealing in the supernatural, Ryan?

RYAN

You are. I don’t believe in Karma. It’s as abstract as religion or astrology and certainly does not belong in a scientific discussion.

MARGARET

It may not be as abstract as you think, Ryan. I'm simply suggesting that in life for every action there is a reaction. Much the same way there is in nature...you see?

Ryan's eyes become wide as he looks at his watch and begins tapping his leg, but Margaret continues.

MARGARET

OK. What if I were to tell you that your little romp with the young university student today would in time come back to bite you?

RYAN

Wait a second. How do you know? You know what? I gotta go.

He stands and begins to walk out the door, but stops and turns hesitantly.

RYAN

(Biting)

OK, so let’s say you’re right, and I did have a romp with Caitlin. How would that bite me? And for that matter, why would it bite me?

MARGARET

Caitlin?

RYAN

Or the young university student. Whatever...

MARGARET

I chose that moment, Ryan, because it's somewhat benign and can illustrate to you just how much every little detail…every moment of our lives is tied to another…

RYAN

How? There’s no proof. Something bad could happen tomorrow, and you could point out that it was because I fucked a college slut... I’m supposed to take that at face value? I’m sorry, but you aren’t having lunch with the sucker you thought you were. Are we done?

WESSER

Let him go.

RYAN

Thank you.

(he stands)


MARGARET

Ryan, if you become aware of yourself, and you embrace this concept, we can learn a lot from one another and it can be more rewarding than you know.

RYAN

How?


MARGARET

Ryan, we represent a consortium of scientists and physicians dedicated to this, and I think if you take the time to find out who we are, you'll be in touch.

Tony_A20

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Re: Earlier in my Screenplay - Kindred - Adult language
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2011, 10:11:48 PM »
Without knowing the full background, or having read any of your other Kindred scenes, I thought the scenes and dialogue were fine down to where Ryan says:

"You know what? I’ll take you up on that lunch.…"

At which point Ryan's reversal seems false and without motivation, as does the remainder of the piece, especially after the line ending with "…How would that bite me? And for that matter, why would it bite me?"

Ryan asks the question, but doesn't wait for the answer, instead he accuses Margaret of playing him for a sucker and leaves.

I would think if he was curious enough, perhaps worried enough to ask the question, he would want to listen to what Margaret had to say.

As well, the exchange was polite enough that I think Ryan's lapse into profanity was not provoked. I don't know if it was out of character or not, but it seemed out of place.

Just my impression.

Offline Maimi

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Re: Earlier in my Screenplay - Kindred - Adult language
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2011, 11:55:13 AM »
Hello Nick,

What a jerk. Ryan, not you (sure, he "forgot" to get her number). At least that's my impression of him after this bit. :)

I'm missing what convinced Ryan to go to lunch with Wesser and Margaret, especially since he'd written Wesser off as a quack. Under the circumstances, I'd think it'd take more than Margaret saying it'd be worth his while.

On Ryan's speech, look at him starting sentences with 'Now'. For me, the frequent use came off as a crutch/habit.

I had a little trouble with Margaret's dialogue at the diner. In casual, or professional, conversation we usually don't continually address a person by name. Yet, Margaret does this to Ryan the majority of the time. If she's doing it to make sure she has his attention, or punctuate a point, I think it'd have more impact in a few well-placed spots.

-Maimi
« Last Edit: May 12, 2011, 11:58:17 AM by Maimi »

Offline Kindred

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Re: Earlier in my Screenplay - Kindred - Adult language
« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2011, 09:17:04 AM »
Thank you for the comments.  They are much appreciated.  Maimi, the now's were a crutch/habit, I'm impressed that you picked up on that.  I'm not sure it is playing the way that I meant it to though.  I have always been a strong advocate of habits that make the character more real.  I may take out one, but I want the same effect.  You know?  Also, Ryan changing his mind so rapidly is a "Story" thing, and has much more to do with the mystery of it all, but I don't think that is playing well either.  I wonder if you would be curious about the motivation if you read the rest... Lastly, the Ryan's... I think you mentioned this before with Randolph in the latter scene... It is absolutely intentional as to lure him into a false sense of security, but if it feels wrong I should probably change it.  I will ask my editor to see what she thinks.  Every point though was taken and very well received. I think minimizing the use of now and Ryan would help without ruining my intention.  I am so glad to hear that your book is getting published.  That is fantastic!  Congratulations!  I hope it will give you more freedom, and your husband is absolutely right... You should be happy they loved the story.  I run into so many aspiring writers/filmmakers that are so caught up in the details they forget to write exceptional stories.  It seems you have found a balance. Good job!