Author Topic: First showing of Morales Inning's Gallery  (Read 1856 times)

jwatson300011

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First showing of Morales Inning's Gallery
« on: April 24, 2011, 12:55:58 AM »
EXT. CROWDED WHARF - DAY

Circa: 1955

The crowd is mostly African-American with a smattering of whites, mostly adult, all dressed warmly.

They stream in one direction heading towards a small gathering of reporters.

The reporters jot down notes as they listen to the WOMAN IN THE CENTER, SARAH WILLIS aka SENERAWA, late 20s, famed publicist and owner of The Awareness Press.

With a seriousness, Sarah responds to questions. She responds to their joking remarks with POLISHED LAUGHTER.

Standing closely behind her is LAWRENCE, also in his late 20s.

In a section of the crowd, is WOMAN#1, AKA THERESA, early thirties, winding through it as she heads towards Sarah. On her face is a vicious scowl.

In another section of the crowd, two men, MAN#1, aka JAMES in his early 40s and MAN#2 aka RICHARD, a white man in his early 60s, plow their way through, also heading for Sarah.

Following closely behind him is WOMAN#2, aka BRENDA, also in her 40s.

In another section is MAN#3 AKA JON and MAN#4, AKA EARL both white, in their 40s, both plowing their way through the crowd.

In another section of the crowd is MAN#5, mid 30s, aka MORALES, making his way, lifelessly, through it with a feeling of doom.

CUT TO:

EXT. CROWDED WHARF - LATER

The crowd now surrounds the raised platform where Sarah speaks into a microphone.

SARAH
The Awareness Press is the brainchild of necessity, of our desperate need for a deeper level of knowledge in regards to the workings of society.

The vicious eyes of Woman#1 are locked on the speaker. Man#5 remains in another world, deeply depressed.

SARAH (CONTD)
The day when my fiance, Lawrence and I began gathering the financial resources needed for a quality publication, we had no idea if the public was ready for an honest expose on race relations in these turbulent times. We thought all we needed were more stories about our great singers and musicians, our actors.

Men #3 and #4 lock eyes on the speaker.

SARAH (CONTD)
But, now, with your response to The Awareness Press, it seems as though the desire for enlightenment is more alive in this country then ever before.

Devious, the eyes of woman #2 surf the crowd. Man #2 is nonchalant. There's A GREAT APPLAUSE, CHEERING that lasts one full minute before dying down.

SARAH (CONTD)
It shows that even with all the bazaar accusations coming from our leaders on capital hill, it will not...

Abruptly, a bellowing female VOICE breaks the silence of the crowd.

WOMAN #1
(a robust shout)
Sarah Tone is a card carrying communist!

Members of audience turn and face the heckler. GASPS ripple through the crowd.

MAN #1
(a robust shout)
Sarah Tone is a long time member of The American Communist Party!

Sarah looks at the heckler and all throughout the crowd, frazzled, bemused.

MAN #2
(a robust shout)
She speaks to you all today in order to win your confidence! But what she wants is for her un-American beliefs to seep into your conscious!

MAN #1
(robust shout)
We understand that your, being Negroes, being recent immigrants,  you're lost and you're looking for hope, but Sarah's goals are not the same as yours!

Now come the BOOS from the audience.

Up on the stage Sarah remains confused, not knowing who it's intended for. She hears VOICES in the crowd.

VOICE #1
Sarah, say something!

Sarah just looks over the crowd, subdued and frustrated. She remains speechless.

VOICE #2
Sarah, say something in your defense!

Sarah maintains the same disposition.

VOICE #3
Is it true?!

SARAH
Hell, no!

The BOOS grow louder. Woman #1 smiles, wickedly.

Up on stage, Lawrence stands, looking around at the commotion. He takes the mike for his wife.

LAWRENCE
My wife is not, nor has she ever been associated with The American Communist Party. McCarthy has fingered her for political gain just like he's done so many others.

The BOOS continue, unabated. Woman #2 now belts out,

WOMAN #2
Sarah Tone is a communist trying to destroy the dreams we have for our children! Be wise and denounce her for the world to hear!

The boos continue, growing even louder.

LAWRENCE
They are lying! They work for an unethical cause! Stop acting ignorant!

On Sarah as she listens, helplessly, to the BOOS.

On Sarah as her head is suddenly struck by an enormous stone.

She collapses on one knee, holding her bleeding wound as Lawrence feverishly tends to her.

Woman #1 explodes in LAUGHTER. Sarah looks into the audience as she holds her bleeding wound.

SARAH
Who's that laughing at me?

Lawrence immediately points to woman #1. Sarah looks at her as she flashes for Sarah a spiteful, grin. Sarah displays a monstrous glare in return. Man #5 remains silent, depressed as woman #1 turns and looks at him, angrily.

WOMAN #1
(smoldering)
Say it. Say it like the rest of us.

MAN #5
(barely audible)
Sarah Tone is a communist conspirator.

WOMAN #1
I said, say it like the rest of us.

He steals his nerve as he prepares to belt out,

MAN #5
(a robust shout)
Sarah Tone is a communist conspirator!

On stage, Sarah is being comforted by Lawrence as they embrace.

FADE

CUT TO:

INT. NONDESCRIPT ROOM - DAY

Circa:1955

Sarah spreads a newspaper that reads: "Friends closest to Sarah Tone fear that she has become the victim of foul play by pro McCarthy groups, the publicist for the Awareness Press now missing for close to a month."

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

Naked, Sarah walks over to the tub of RUNNING WATER. She climbs in as a SOPRANO SINGS classical music in the background. She sits and turns her face to the wall.

SARAH
(sobbing voice)
My friends. Where were they? Where were they?

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - LATER
Lawrence enters and sees Sarah's discolored, lifeless face floating in the tub, her eyes still wide open. In disbelief, Lawrence stares. Seconds later, he crumbles to his knees.

LAWRENCE
(sobbing voice)
Oh God. No. No.

FADE:
« Last Edit: April 24, 2011, 01:04:43 AM by jwatson300011 »

Offline Butterfly21

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Re: First showing of Morales Inning's Gallery
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2011, 02:30:06 AM »
Pretty good. I wasn't expecting that ending.
I'll probably have nightmares tonight about Sarah's lifeless body floating in the tub, staring at me, all dead.  :D

Offline Maimi

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Re: First showing of Morales Inning's Gallery
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2011, 05:53:15 PM »
Hello jwatson300011,

In the beginning you have a crowd streaming toward a gathering of reporters, then ...
Quote
The reporters jot down notes as they listen to the WOMAN IN THE CENTER, SARAH WILLIS aka SENERAWA, late 20s, famed publicist and owner of The Awareness Press.

After some time, you cut to
Quote
EXT. CROWDED WHARF - LATER

The crowd now surrounds the raised platform where Sarah speaks into a microphone.
Was Sarah on a platform with a mic in the beginning? If so, I'd include that information in your scene set up at the beginning.

Since she is surrounded by reporters--and considering what happens--I think 'famed publicist' is unnecessary. After all, only the reader will know this as written, however, between her being the center of attention and the line in the paper before she commits suicide, the audience will see it. The same is true for 'owner of The Awareness Press'.

I'm curious about the characters identified by a characteristic also having a name (WOMAN#1, AKA THERESA). I assume they aren't just in the opening here. If they play a bigger part later, why not use their names? Or if they're throw away characters, why include the a.k.a.? Nevertheless, keep in mind you have to be consistent when referring to a character. Since you've established MAN#1 and so on, you have to continue using that in narration and with dialogue cues.

Quote
Standing closely behind her is LAWRENCE, also in his late 20s.

***

Up on stage, Lawrence stands, looking around at the commotion. He takes the mike for mic from his wife.
Unless I missed him sitting down after we're told he is standing behind her, noting he stands later on is unnecessary.

Quote
SARAH (CONTD)
But, now, with your response to The Awareness Press, it seems as though the desire for enlightenment is more alive in this country then ever before.
The blue phrase seems iffy, not absolute enough considering the situation. Perhaps a reword with we see, I see, or something absolute?

Quote
SARAH (CONTD)
It shows that even with all the bazaar accusations coming from our leaders on capital hill, it will not...

****

Sarah looks at the heckler and all throughout the crowd, frazzled, bemused.
There's room for tightening in areas. For example, read the two items above out loud. Then try them without the word all.

Quote
SARAH (CONTD)
It shows that even with all the bazaar accusations coming from our leaders on capital hill, it will not...

Abruptly, a bellowing female VOICE breaks the silence of the crowd.

WOMAN #1
(a robust shout)
Sarah Tone is a card carrying communist!
The narration about the voice and the parenthetical have some repetitive information. I don't think you need the parenthetical with what's noted in the narration.

Quote
On stage, Sarah is being comforted by Lawrence as they embrace.
Comfort is shown by them embracing.

Or did Sarah turn into Lawrence's embrace? That little action would speak volumes to me about how much the incident rattled her.

Thanks for the read,

Maimi

P.S. I noticed you've posted this piece and one in Review My Work, however, you've not commented on works by others. You'll receive more feedback, and have return reviewers when you post another piece, if you return the favor by commenting on the work of others. If you're shy about critiquing, read the sticky about it at the top of Review My Work. ;)
« Last Edit: May 09, 2011, 06:16:14 PM by Maimi »

jwatson300011

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Re: First showing of Morales Inning's Gallery
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2011, 02:50:04 AM »
I'm just drinking all this great criticism in. I love when readers don't hold back anything. I will look at Morales Inning's Gallery tonight and be posting more of it, perhaps tomorrow night.