Author Topic: The boy and New York ( First portion needs critique).  (Read 1613 times)

Offline JaskaranRajput

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The boy and New York ( First portion needs critique).
« on: May 05, 2011, 11:02:11 PM »
Fade In:

ext. Train Station - 1946 - Day

A young boy by the name of Fred Quinn is standing in a line for a ticket to New York. He keeps looking around, to see if anyone will try to steal the fifty dollars in his pocket. His mother gave it to him, and she has entrusted him in responsibility of providing it to the recipient.

His turn is next at the ticket station.

ticket man

Can I help ya?

Fred

Ticket to New York please.

He gets out the ticket.

At a nearby bench, as people are passing by, a relatively old man is watching Fred from the corner of his eye. He pretends to read a newspaper, yet has already bought a ticket.

The ticket man takes out the ticket. Fred pays with the extra money that his mother gave him, and accepts the ticket.

TICKET MAN

Ya got plenty of time, sport. Train leaves in one hour.

Fred leaves with the ticket, and sits on one of the benches. Across from him, the old man continues to watch the kid.

Fred looks around again. Passengers are eager to get to their homes and offices, since it was the Christmas time, and they didn't want to miss a single moment, as is depicted by their rapid movements.

Finally, the old man with the newspaper gets up, and moves up a bench, then sits at Fred's bench.

Fred gets slightly uneasy.

Fred

(To old man)

You know, there are other places to sit.

Old man

I didn't realize you were so unopen! I just wanted some company. You can't seem to find a lot in this state. If you want true charisma, you go to New York.

Fred does not respond.

Old man

...ya going there, son?

Fred

Why does it matter to you?

OLD MAN

Well, I was just asking! Why are you going there? Have ya been there before?

Fred

None of your business...

Fred answers rudely. He plainly gets up, and begins walking away from the man.

Old man

Boy, where are ya going?

He gets up and follows him.

Fred automatically knows that the man must have seen his fifty dollars when he was counting them near the telephone booth.

Fred starts fast walking from the concentrated area with his meager luggage, consisting of a small sack of clothing and some canned food.

He turns back around. The man is no longer there. He keeps walking. Maybe he wanted the money, maybe the food in his sack.

Fred keeps walking. He really wish his mother were here right now, but she could not make it. She told him that he had to send the money to Aunt Georgina by himself.

                                                     CUT TO:

Int. Fred's small home - yesterday

Fred's mother is making food on the stove. She is a bit nervous about what she is going to make her son do. The problem is, she can't do it. She is frequently ill, and is afraid that her illness is getting worse and worse.

Fred is sitting at the table, writing or drawing on a sheet of paper. The house is not a beautiful one, implying that they are very poor.

Fred's mother

Now Fred, I am putting a big responsibility on you, and I am afraid.

FRED

Mother, have I ever let you down on anything? I have been to New York before, and I know where Aunt Georgina lives. Don't worry about anything.

Fred's Mother

You leave tomorrow morning, alright? Now, I know that you are thirteen, which is why i am letting you do this. Make sure you go to Aunt Georgina's directly, giver her the money, and then help her out with her party, if she needs help. If you lose it...

She is quiet.

FRED'S MOTHER

I took me quite some time to get this money, and...

Fred gets up to comfort her.

FRED

Mother, you need not worry in the slightest. You need to go and rest. I will do this.

She hugs him, and she brings out the food. Fred sits down with her. It is not exactly a feast. It is a little of some dried pork, and beans.

They start eating, while Fred is looking through an old newspaper from the old world war.

FRED'S MOTHER

I really wish your father were still here.

Fred doesn't look from the newspaper. He feels some tears.

FRED'S MOTHER

I really wish I could give you more, Fred...you've done a lot for me...every time we eat at this table, your father's memories just come back... I really wish we could leave this damn house.

A tear drops on the newspaper. He picks up the utensil to eat, but can't even take in a morsel.

FRED

Don't take it so harsh, mother, when I grow up, we will both leave this house, and I will put you in a better one. I am going to buy a mansion, you'll see. You'll see. Father always said that I would become a great man some day.

She grabs her son's hands. Then, she gets up and gets up and takes out a box from a shelf. She opens it. Fifty dollars, along with some money for the train.

Fred's mother
Now, this is your fifty dollars, and your money for the train ticket. In the kitchen there is a sack with the food. Got it?
Fred nods.
She stacks the money back in, and puts the box back at the shelf. A framed photo falls down. Hits the floor with a thud. It looks like the photo of her husband. She looks at it, cleans it, and puts it back up.
Fred watches, more tears from his eyes. Clearly his mother hasn't gotten over his father's untimely death.

Int. the train - day after
Fred suddenly wakes up on the train. He looks around. No one is in his compartment. Outside, fields and small towns pass by. He sees people conversing happily in another compartment.
He continues to look out the window, before checking the time.  It has been only twenty minutes since he fell asleep.
He checks his coat pockets. He starts to panic. The money isn't there. He frantically starts searching every location. He can't find it.




« Last Edit: May 05, 2011, 11:12:56 PM by JaskaranRajput »

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: The boy and New York ( First portion needs critique).
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2011, 07:28:07 AM »
Hopefully the dialogue doesn't sound weird?

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The boy and New York ( First portion needs critique).
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2011, 07:56:13 AM »
Hi Jas - I'm not a script person but this seemed the wrong POV - how can the audience know this?
He keeps looking around, to see if anyone will try to steal the fifty dollars in his pocket. His mother gave it to him, and she has entrusted him in responsibility of providing it to the recipient.

Maybe:
He keeps looking around, anxious to protect the money [fifty dollars] in his pocket his mother gave to him for delivery to his aunt.


Fred looks around again. Passengers are eager to get to their homes and offices, since it was the Christmas time, and they didn't want to miss a single moment, as is depicted by their rapid movements.

When exactly, two days before Christmas, three days, Christmas Day? Would people be rushing to their offices during the holiday?
Maybe: The platform is busy with people trying to get home for the Christmas holiday.

They start eating, while Fred is looking through an old newspaper from the old world war.
Seems a bit weird to be reading such an old newspaper . . . the war ended in 1945 and this is Christmas 1946

Fred automatically knows that suspects the man must have seen his fifty dollars when he was counting them near the telephone booth.

Fred starts fast walking away quickly from the concentrated busy area with carrying his meager luggage, consisting of a small sack of clothing and some canned food.

He turns back around. The man is no longer there. He keeps walking. Maybe he wanted the money, maybe the food in his sack.

Fred keeps walking. He really wish his mother were here right now, but she could not make it. She told him that he had to send the money to Aunt Georgina by himself. [How exactly could this be 'shown' . . . seems more like internal dialogue is need for this]

Fred's mother is making food on the stove. She is a bit nervous about what she is going to make her son do. The problem is, she can't do it. She is frequently ill, and is afraid that her illness is getting worse and worse.
What illness does she have? Is she crippled? Does she have a disease? Are there any symptoms that could show her illness? Her dialgue should indicate her nervousness.

The house is not a beautiful one, implying that they are very poor.
The house has a worn appearance, sparsely furnished, shabby fixtures and fittings in need of some repair.

The dialogue sounds stilted, doesn;t quite flow naturally, maybe someone else will be able to help you with that. ;)

JMO :) :) :)


Offline Brettney

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Re: The boy and New York ( First portion needs critique).
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2011, 05:07:15 PM »
an relatively old man watches Fred from the corner of his eye. He pretends to read a newspaper, yet has already bought a ticket.

Old man

I didn't realize you were so unopen! I just wanted some company. You can't seem to find a lot in this state. If you want true charisma, you go to New York.

He turns back around. The man is no longer there. has vanished He keeps walking.

She is frequently ill, and is afraid that her illness is getting worse and worse.

The house is not a beautiful oneunsightly, implying that they are very poor

FRED'S MOTHER

It took me quite some time to get this money, and...

Fred gets up to comfort her.

FRED

Mother, you need not worry in the slightest. You need to go and rest. I will do this.

She hugs him, and she brings out the food. Fred sits down with her. It is not exactly a feast. It is a little of some dried pork, and beans.

She grabs her son's hands. Then, she gets up and gets up and takes out a box from a shelf. She opens it.She takes out a box from the shelf and opens it. Fifty dollars, along with some money for the train.

Fred's mother
Now, this is your fifty dollars, and your money for the train ticket.not needed as establishd above In the kitchen there is a sack with the food. Got it?

Fred nods.
She stacks the money back in, and puts the box back at the shelf. A framed photo falls down. Hits the floor with a thud. It looks like the photo of her husband. She looks at it, cleans it, and puts it back up.
Fred watches, more tears from his eyes through teary eyes Clearly his mother hasn't gotten over his father's untimely death.

Int. the train - day after
Fred suddenly wakes up on the train. He looks around. No one is in his compartment. Outside, fields and small towns pass by. He sees people conversing happily in another compartment.
He continues to look out the window, before checking the time.  It has been only twenty minutes since he fell asleep.
He checks his coat pockets. He starts to panic. The money isn't there. He frantically starts searching every location. He can't find it.



Hi hope this can help
« Last Edit: May 06, 2011, 05:10:32 PM by Brettney »

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: The boy and New York ( First portion needs critique).
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2011, 05:54:21 PM »
Thank you very much for comments, both 510bahn and Brettney. This is just what I need to write the best I can.
 :D