Author Topic: Have A Giggle  (Read 32531 times)

Offline Gyppo

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #60 on: May 19, 2011, 04:17:03 AM »
For anyone with teenage daughters and a horrendous phone bill here's some advice.

Buy her/them a phoneless cord.
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #61 on: May 19, 2011, 09:13:47 AM »
Understanding engineers

Understanding Engineers One :
 
  Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
 
  The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
 
  The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


  Understanding Engineers Two
 
  To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
  To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
  To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


  Understanding Engineers Three
 
  A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
 
  The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
  The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
  He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
 
  The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
 
  The group fell silent for a moment.
 
  The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
  The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
 
  The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


  Understanding Engineers Four
 
  What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
 
  Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
 


  Understanding Engineers Five
 
  The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
  The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
  The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
  The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


  Understanding Engineers Six
 
  Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
 
  One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
  Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who   else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
 


  Understanding Engineers Seven
 
  Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
  Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
 


  Understanding Engineers Eight
 
  An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
 
  The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
 
  Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
 
  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
 
  The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." 
 
 ------------------------
 
  Now here’s one from General Schwarzkopf
 
  In a recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought
  there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored
  and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
 
  His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
 
  The General said:
 
  “I believe that forgiving them is God's function. OUR job is to arrange that meeting”
 
 
  This one should be sent to our home and foreign ministers. 

Offline BBBlogger

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #62 on: May 19, 2011, 01:22:37 PM »
Good ones, Gyppo and Sio!!

I especially like the General Schwarzkopf quote!! :D

Offline Andrewf

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #63 on: May 19, 2011, 02:03:22 PM »
Understanding engineers
...


OMG! I'm an Engineer!!   :o :o :o :o
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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Offline 510bhan

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #64 on: May 19, 2011, 02:07:04 PM »
We won't tell anyone outside of MWC ;D ;D ;D

Offline Andrewf

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #65 on: May 19, 2011, 02:10:07 PM »
Well, I just kept nodding and thinking "Yup, that's sensible." :D :D
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

Tales from the Circle - A charitable read. http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1146002
Ask about eBook versions if required.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #66 on: May 19, 2011, 02:13:26 PM »
I really liked the one about designing the human body  - engineers do have a certain logic, which I appreciated. :D :D :D

Offline BBBlogger

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #67 on: May 19, 2011, 02:46:14 PM »
I really liked the one about designing the human body  - engineers do have a certain logic, which I appreciated. :D :D :D

Oops! Missed that one first time around! Oh my, that one does make sense!! :D

Offline BBBlogger

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #68 on: May 20, 2011, 08:41:10 PM »


hope they ketchup to whoever did this! :D



Offline Gyppo

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #69 on: May 20, 2011, 09:04:30 PM »
Looks like someone's 'had their chips'.
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Gyppo

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #70 on: May 20, 2011, 09:19:54 PM »
Children Writing About the Ocean...

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots And comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the Ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to Make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always Crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got Pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can Give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think They have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't Go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean, he knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #71 on: May 20, 2011, 09:22:35 PM »
 :D :D :D

Offline BBBlogger

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #72 on: May 20, 2011, 10:10:50 PM »
:D :D :D :D

Offline BBBlogger

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #73 on: May 21, 2011, 01:50:36 PM »
“Punnies”

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
A boiled egg, is hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #74 on: May 21, 2011, 02:03:24 PM »
I like these :D