Author Topic: Have A Giggle  (Read 32928 times)

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #360 on: December 15, 2011, 11:23:38 AM »
The Old Coot.

An old prospector named Ralph, shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.  He headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
 
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

Ralph looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. Always wanted to, but never had the time."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

Not wanting to get a toe blown off Ralph started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

Old Ralph turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The silence was almost deafening.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  Staring into those twin barrels, held as steady as a rock.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

"Son,"  Ralph asked quietly,"Have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... but... I've always wanted to."

=====

There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old people.  They didn't get old by being stupid.
 
 
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

  • http://www.writestreet.com/writestree
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 31219
  • Hello from Texas
    • Alice's Hide Away
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #361 on: December 15, 2011, 03:50:15 PM »
Good one Gyppo - especially liked the "lessons."   ;D
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #362 on: December 15, 2011, 04:39:17 PM »
"Lucky Day"

One cold night my furnace died, so I went to my
parents' house. In the morning, a neighbor called
to tell me that my water pipes had burst and
flooded my town house and hers. I raced home­
and on the way got a speeding ticket.

Then the furnace repairman arrived and told me
he didn't think he had the proper fuse but would
check in his truck. Meanwhile, the plumber cut
holes in my bathroom wall to locate the leak.

When the furnace repairman returned, he held
aloft a fuse.

"I had the right one after all," he said triumphantly.

"This must be your lucky day."

My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #363 on: December 15, 2011, 04:41:33 PM »
"Are You Hurt?"

Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit limp, so to
cheer themselves up they decided to take a
trip to the amusement park.

"I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes" said Nigel

"Are you sure Nigel?" said Simon "You're ever so
brave!"

So Nigel went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round
and round he went, faster and faster until the
chain on his seat broke, sending him hurtling
through the air for about 100 yards until he
slammed into a brick wall.

Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the
base of the wall and cried "Are you hurt Nigel?"

A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I
hurt? I should say I'm hurt. I went round six times
and you never waved once!"
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #364 on: December 15, 2011, 07:03:47 PM »
Here's tonight's last raid into the dusty archives...

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
 
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
 
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
 
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
 
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #365 on: December 15, 2011, 07:14:34 PM »
Terrific! ;D

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #366 on: December 17, 2011, 07:49:15 PM »
We all have to make our own choices...

Left click to read small print.
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #367 on: December 20, 2011, 08:15:20 PM »
Old Johann Muller was a minister in a small German town. He
had always been a good man and lived by the Bible.
One day God decided to reward him, with the answer
to any three questions Johann Muller would like to ask.

Old Johann Muller did not need much time to consider, and
the first question was:
"Will there ever be married Catholic priests?"

God promptly replied: "Not in your life-time."

Johann Muller thought for a while, and then came up with
the second question: "what about female priests then,
will we have those one day?"

Again God had to disappoint Old Johann Muller:
"Not in your life-time, I'm afraid."

Johann Muller was sorry to hear that, and he decided to
drop the subject. After having though for a while, he
asked the last question:
"Will there ever be another German Pope?"

God answered quickly and with a firm voice,
"Not in My life time."

=====

Two women came before wise King Solomon,
dragging between them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter,"
said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he called
for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said
Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half.
Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill
innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter
marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young
man must marry the first woman's daughter,"
he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed
the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she
is the TRUE mother-in-law."

=====



« Last Edit: December 20, 2011, 08:33:55 PM by Gyppo »
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline bravestone

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 102
    • Bravestone Art and Poetry
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #368 on: December 20, 2011, 08:27:05 PM »
Love the mom-in-law story.  It's my own anecdote in the making.

~

My own brother, Bob went out to Ryder's
for drinks, dancing and possibilities of luckiness.

He couldn't take his eyes off of the voluptuous,
very red lipped, blonde, rodeo princess,, so he
had another jack and then marched over and said, "would you like to dance?"

She stared at him for a micro-second and retorted, "Ummm, NO," and then turned to her friends.

Bob, being a sort of cowboy poet, tapped the princess on the shoulder and quipped, "Mam, I think you misunderstood me.  I said, 'You look fat in those pants.'"

My brother, Bob, also being a sort of ummm-coward, then left the bar for another.










Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #369 on: December 20, 2011, 08:37:54 PM »


I'm so innocent....

I was at a party once and we were all given a raffle ticket when we arrived.  After the first couple of hours a girl came up and asked what my ticket number was.

"Fifty Five."

She whipped one breast out and smilingly offered it for my inspection.

"Congratulations.  You've won the booby prize."

I told her it was a lovely prize but I didn't have anywhere to keep it, and with a pout she went away after tucking it back into her dress.

She must have decided to draw the ticket again because over the next few hours I saw her pull the same trick on several other chaps, some of whom took her off to a private room for a more leisurely viewing of their 'prize'.

=====

I'm so innocent...

When a pretty lass came up at the same party and asked if I was interested in a blow job I told her I was asthmatic, but I'd gladly help inflate the balloons if they had a pump.

=====

I'm so old-fashioned that when a girl asked if I was gay I told her I was moderately cheerful.

=====

I'm so innocent....

When a girl asked if I'd like to poke her in the garden I shoved her out through an open window.

=====

I'm so innocent...

When a girl offered 'a helping hand' I had her stacking beer crates and washing glasses in the kitchen.

=====

I'm so innocent...

I thought doggy style was when old married folk just snapped and growled at each other all the time.

=====

I'm so innocent...

When a rather gymnastic girl said I wouldn't need to hold her ears I asked if she took them off and put them in her handbag like some girls do with their earrings.

=====


My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Suemcb

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 903
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #370 on: December 21, 2011, 04:00:50 PM »
Here's a REALLY old one.

Why is Santa always smiling and cheerful?








Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.
'The Dragon Who Couldn't Breathe Fire',  and 'Lost, in Forbidden Mine.' ebooks on Amazon

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #371 on: December 29, 2011, 07:20:13 PM »
Think before you text.

Left click to enlarge.
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #372 on: December 29, 2011, 07:21:06 PM »
Logic!

Left click to enlarge.
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #373 on: December 29, 2011, 07:23:29 PM »
We are told repeatedly about the importance of diversity in this modern world.

Left click to enlarge.
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Have A Giggle
« Reply #374 on: January 07, 2012, 02:11:32 PM »
Someone sent me the following recently.

Here is the one essential for a real bacon cheeseburger.

Left click to enlarge.
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1