Author Topic: The beginning of a screenplay - please tell me how it works - thanks  (Read 1810 times)

Offline Kindred

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The morning newspaper reads “Chad Jackson expected to go first in this years NFL draft”.  A tight shot of an unknown man’s hands turns the page to reveal the next. “Entertainment”  “Is Diana McLaughlin this year’s American Idol?” As the frame becomes wide we see that it’s Mark Lyons. He’s a man in his early 40’s dressed in suit. Not a designer suit, but a suit nonetheless. He’s drinking a cup of coffee while reading. He reaches the financial section.

He places the paper down with the NYSE symbols facing up as his two boys run into the dining area of the kitchen. Sam is 8, but you’d never know it by his advanced demeanor. Only his size prohibits him from discussing the state of affairs in Libya with his father.  Sam is followed by Bryce, age 11. Bryce is more of a typical child.  He’s in no hurry to grow up. Bryce approaches his father while Sam sits quietly at the table across from him.

BRYCE:
Dad. Can I have pancakes for breakfast?

MARK:
Bryce, it’s a school day. Have an apple.

BRYCE:
Mom would’ve let me have pancakes

Mark looks at Sam.  Sam gives his father a look of empathy as if to apologize for his older brother. Mark takes a moment to connect with his young son, and turns his attention back to Bryce.

BRYCE:
Well Bryce, your mother’s not here so I guess an apple will have to do.

Bryce pouts his way to the kitchen counter and grabs an apple from the fruit holder. Mark turns his attention back to Sam

MARK:
No breakfast today Sam

SAM:
Nah. I’m not hungry


MARK:
You should eat something. How do you expect to be like Chad Jackson if you don’t eat your Wheaties?

SAM:
I don’t wanna be like Chad Jackson. He sucks.

MARK:
(Picking the paper back up and flipping back to the sports section)
Looks like the NFL disagrees with you.

SAM:
I guarantee he doesn’t go number one.

As Sam and Mark discuss Chad Jackson Bryce wonders back to the table as to not miss anything. He steals Sam’s hat before antagonizing him

BRYCE:
Chad Jackson’s awesome!

SAM:
(Reaching for his hat back)
Shut up!

Outside we hear a car horn

MARK:
Boys.
(They ignore him as they wrestle for the hat)
Boys!
(They stop fighting and both simultaneously look in his direction)
Mrs. Sumner is here. Now get your backpacks and get going.

Bryce smacks Sam’s hat back on his head, and the two boys continue their banter while grabbing their bags and rushing to the door.

MARK:
Hey!

The boys stop dead in their tracks, they turn and run back in his direction. They take turns hugging him while saying:

SAM:
I love you dad.

BRYCE:
I love you dad

MARK:
I love you guys too. Make sure you’re home by 4:00. Remember, we’re going to see your uncle Steve tonight.

BRYCE:
Dad?!

MARK:
Don’t dad me.

BRYCE:
But he’s old and boring

MARK:
He’s helped us out a lot lately, and he loves you guys.

SAM:
I like Uncle Steve. He’s got the best stories.

BRYCE:
Shut up!

MARK:
Bryce, knock it off.  Now hurry up, you’re gonna be late.

Fade to black.

Mark walks around the home cleaning up after the morning’s chaos. As a VO of a woman is heard. It’s Mark’s late wife Emily as the narrator of the action:

EMILY VO:
Mark was never one for domestic life. As a matter of fact, he was downright awful at it. Don’t get me wrong he tried……..

As she speaks we see Mark pick up his plate from breakfast and hold it over the sink.  He shakes it to remove the excess crumbs, but still sees something amuck.  He holds the plate to his mouth, breathes two heavy chest breathes onto it to reveal steam which he promptly rubs off with his suit jacket sleeve.

EMILY VO:
Like I was saying…………He got by…….But our home was never short on love.  Mark was unmatched in that department

Mark picks up their wedding photo and holds it close.  He puts his hand to his lips and then to the image of Emily
« Last Edit: May 03, 2011, 01:24:40 PM by Kindred »

Offline Maimi

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Hello Nick,

I had an inkling, from the start, the wife was dead and not just away on a trip.

You have my emotional buy in with the relationship between the father and sons. The fact his wife has passed seals the deal.

Mark's peculiar behavior and knowing Emily is dead leads to questions and suspicions, however, it's hard to know which direction to go without a blurb about the story. I'm in the dark on where this is going, but I am curious.

Quote
He holds the plate to his mouth, breathes two heavy chest breathes onto it ...
I think the second breathes (verb) should be breaths (noun).

-Maimi

Offline Brettney

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hi,

have given your screenplay a read over and i must say i am also hooked on the story.

please keep going.

Brett