Author Topic: Died by my hand (Version 2)  (Read 1527 times)


  • Guest
Died by my hand (Version 2)
« on: August 06, 2006, 01:37:52 AM »
I have recieved advice from Bryn, actpoet1 and bleek and have tried to rewrite the poem
I jumbled everything up and changed a lot of it
Is this better? Let me know what you think  ???

She died by my hand

Liquid brown eyes, shimmering like a child’s, their frightened gaze fixed on me
They spoke without words, searching, pleading
As pure and innocent as fresh, clean snow
But I knew better, feeling sick I turned away, heart bleeding

A delicate hand, hesitant and unsure stretched out
Thinking to change a man once ruled by their touch
Nothingness swirled inside of me, I would set her free without doubt or pain
She saw it in my face, the emptiness, the disconnection

For the first time in her life, panic marred her face
I smiled as I watched her breathing quicken, her cheeks flush
She had once made a promise, like a lovers whisper, to leave this place
Words meant nothing now, not to me

Lips stretched across teeth, a smile with no warmth or mirth
I drew my knife and gazed at the reflection of a killer in its blade
Quickened breathing caught with the realization of body and earth
Still an effort she made

Tears ran from those shimmering eyes, down flushed cheeks and onto heaving breast
She clung to me and buried her head in my chest
Dead smile gone I pushed her away, let her sink to the floor
Wilting like a dead flower, much more beautiful than the rest

Watching a moment, the body on the floor
All curves and youth, supple skin like a young mans dream
Vulnerable and weak, she was my possession, but I am not a cruel man

At length I told her to stand and face her end, look into the void of death
She made it to her knees when I cut her throat
She made not a sound, unable to draw breath
I shivered as warm lifeblood pulsed over my hands
With a hole in my soul I kissed those eyes that shimmered no more

Offline Bryn

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Re: Died by my hand (Version 2)
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2006, 04:29:18 PM »

Offline actpoet1

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Re: Died by my hand (Version 2)
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2006, 12:20:33 AM »

Now that's what I'm talking about.
Write on,


If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.


  • Guest
Re: Died by my hand (Version 2)
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2006, 04:06:52 AM »
Thank you both  ;D


  • Guest
Re: Died by my hand (Version 2)
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2006, 08:45:07 AM »
revised to perfection  8)