Daily-O-Matic

[Frogg]

The Daily-Mail-O-Matic generates headlines that aren't far off the bizarre ones in the Daily Mail.

All you gotta do is generate one, then write an article to go with.

Go on, I dare you.

http://www.qwghlm.co.uk/toys/dailymail/

[Frogg]

ARE FERAL CHILDREN DESTROYING THE ROYAL FAMILY?

With more reports coming in just this morning of feral children running amock in Windsor Castle, police have little hope that the Royals will soon lose the strength to fend them off. On the parapets late last night, eye witnesses state that the Queen was 'running desperately', clothed only in a fuchsia dressing gown, 'screaming fit for Bedlam' in a bid to escape the wild younguns. As of yet, no one has determined quite how the children managed to gain entry to the Castle, but with wild beasts like these in our streets, it was only ever a matter of time.

[thatollie]

WILL CANCER BURGLE MIDDLE BRITAIN?

In today's modern times, cancer is more common than ever. It even has an ex-wife, with alimoney payments and child support. However, since it can't get a job and doesn't qualify for government benefits, it has to turn to crime.

A new report shows that seven in five homes are burgled by cancers every year. Quentin Cacogen, a researcher at Birmingham University, who administered the test, says that this is real problem that people have to face up to.

"There are no jobs for cancers and other diseases that have been maligned by the media, people don't want a cancer working in W.H.Smiths or ASDA. These diseases have to turn to crime if they want to survive."

There is hope, however. Cancer Support UK is a publicly registered charity aiming to keep cancer off the streets, off drugs, and out of your valuables. We say they're doing a ruddy good thing.

[Frogg]

Cheered me up no end.

[thatollie]

COULD THE E.U. KILL YOUR DAUGHTERS?

It’s a frightening thought, isn’t it? But is it the truth? Could the EU, without consulting the British government, kill your daughters? Under new EU regulations, specifically the baronetcy ruling, the EU has the power to kill any girl under the age of eighteen without giving a reason.

Feminists are throwing a right tizzy, claiming that sexism is being practised. Anne Thumbelina, of Castrate All Men, had this to say, “The EU is a male dominated society for the domination of women by men, and this new ruling goes to show that their aims are to dominate women. They have to be stopped.”

Other CAM spokeswomen are being equally redundant. However, several male spokespeople are fighting back as well. Edward Tundy, of Fathers for Daughters, had this to say, “The EU has no right to tell British people what to do with their own daughters, neither does the British government, but the EU’s overtaking of the government’s non-right is even more outrageous. They aren’t even British and have no conception of the complexity of British life. So there.”

Editorial note: This has nothing to do with The Royal Wedding, why are we publishing this article?

[Frogg]

Feminists are throwing a right tizzy, claiming that sexism is being practised.

and

Editorial note: This has nothing to do with The Royal Wedding, why are we publishing this article?

truly made the sunstroke worth it.

[Gayle]

WILL DUMBING-DOWN HAVE SEX WITH PENSIONERS?

Comedian Edward Dumbing-Down has long been known for his affairs with older women and comedic routines based on older-woman-younger-man relationships. But on the eve of Dumbing-Down's 50th birthday, we can't help but wonder: are our grandmothers safe?

Latitia Wobblebottom, one of Dumbing-Down's former flames, who is 15 years his senior remarked, "Eddie has always known how to make an older woman feel beautiful and desirable and he's always enjoyed making us feel that way. I can't see his sexual appetites changing anytime soon." Mrs. Wobblebottom was a chorus girl during the 1940's and married Tory MP Bendict Wobblebottom 2 years after her relationship with Dumbing-Down ended.

Mr. Wobblebottom refused to comment for this article but our sources report that he may be preparing a bill that would make it illegal for Dumbing-Down to enter senior's complexes and community organizations for seniors before he turns 65.

[thatollie]

Hee hee, that's one, let's nab the others so they'll play with us. Gayle, you can help. Hold Gyppo down and refuse to let him have a sarnie until he writes a column for us.

[Frogg]

IS TWITTER TURNING THE QUEEN GAY?

With the tweeting craze gathering momentum as it sweeps across the country, fears have come to light that Her Royal Highness has succumb to the modern technology, and that it's affecting more than just her typing speed.

The social networking site gives it's users the chance to post their thoughts for the day in a maximum of 140 characters, and to 'follow' other users, such as friends or celebrities. It would seem that the Queen has gathered a following of notorious female rakehells, all intent on filling the Queens inbox with pornographic homosexual material and making obscene offers to her though the site.

Although Her Majesty has the option to block these persistent women, she seems to have fallen under their spell and tweeted, on the seventh of April, 'Done with that awful husband, sick of that bloody son. I've decided to become a Lady of the Night. #LesbiansFTW'. As if this evidence wasn't damning enough, the Queen has been seen in no less than eight exclusive lesbian-only night clubs wearing a red leather mini-skirt and a corset, just in the last few days.

Fortunately, Phillip is unaware of the existence of lesbians, and twitter, so is blissfully ignorant of his wife's new pastime. Although many are up in arms about the news, famous feminist and gay rights activist Nora Monarch has publicly showed her support to the queen in a very explicit manner.

We here at The Daily Mail are of course against homosexuality, we've proven it can give your pension cancer.