Author Topic: Sydney Heads  (Read 4936 times)

Offline ChipTee

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 136
Sydney Heads
« on: August 08, 2006, 11:50:41 AM »
Some stronger language

Thought it time I put another script scene up in the firing line. No I love you all, really.

This is the opening scene (3 plus minutes) of a twelve minute short - some 630 words. Again there will be format errors a plenty



SYDNEY HEADS


FADE IN:


EXT. UK MAINLINE STATION CONCOURSE MORNING

Surging office-bound commuters stream across the concourse. ANNIE, a clerical office worker in her early twenties, is in the throng stepping out smartly across the concourse.


EXT. A GARDEN SQUARE AT THE SAME TIME

Mown grass, flowerbeds, shrubs, trees and seats around the gardens; the square is bordered with office buildings several stories high.

HAMID, an elderly Asian ex-seafarer, grey haired and bearded, is sitting on his regular bench, tying sail cord into elaborate nautical knots.

A WOMAN and TWO SMALL CHILDREN, (boy and girl) in school uniforms, are walking across the garden square.
The older child (boy) goes towards Hamid who holds up a knot puppet.
 
The woman runs over to the child, grabs his arm and hurries both children away.

The boy looks back at Hamid.


EXT. OUTSIDE MAINLINE STATION - CONTINUOUS

Annie catches up a work colleague, BABS, in her thirties, and taps her on the shoulder.

ANNIE
Good night out?

Babs is sleepy eyed, not yet in touch with the day.

BABS
Dont ask.

ANNIE
Late, were we?

BABS
Im knackered. Didnt get in until one. Itd better be a quiet day.

ANNIE
What did your old man say?

BABS
Fast asleep and stinking of beer, the dozy git.

Annie and Babs dont wait for the pedestrian lights to change, cross over the street having to run, Babs lags behind, a taxi HOOTS its horn.

BABS
Piss off.

ANNIE
Black coffee for you this morning.

BABS
Bacardi Breezer, more like.

They hurry on down the street


EXT. NEXT STREET AND SANDWICH BAR CONTINUOUS

Crowds passing, Babs and Annie are approaching and go into the Sandwich Bar clutching their purses.


EXT/INT. STREET INTO A SANDWICH BAR CONTINUOUS

Annie and Babs are seen through plate glass, menu slogans are white painted on the window; the women stand in the queue, talking (not heard), impatient, looking at their watches.

 
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE THE SANDWICH BAR CONTINUOUS

They come out with food in paper bags and takeaway drink beakers, hurrying off down the street.


EXT. GARDEN SQUARE CONTINUOUS

Hamid, who wears medal ribbons on his tunic, continues to work sail cord into knots.

He has a leather drawstring bag hanging from one wrist to hold his money from the sale of knots.
Hamid proffers a knot to a passer-by who goes by ignoring him.

Annie and Babs enter the square and cut across the gardens.

Hamid sees them approaching, he stands up.

BABS
Oh, God, hes going to say something. Hes creepy.

ANNIE
Hes cool.

Babs veers away as they near his bench

ANNIE
Where bound today, Skipper?

Hamid gives her an exaggerated salute.

HAMID
Today, Missie, were inward bound passing Sydney Heads. Ship alongside at noon, Missie.

ANNIE
See you there, Skipper.

The women hurry on, a flock of pigeons erupts from the grass into the air to wheel round the square and away over the buildings.

Annie looks up and watches the pigeons fly.

Hamid bows, goes back to his bench and his knots.

BABS
Why do you encourage him? Hes weird.

ANNIE
Hes cool, hes been all over the world, and he always says hes coming into harbour, passing Sydney Heads. Hes cheery even when it rains.

BABS
Where, this side of Friday is Sydney Heads?

ANNIE
Sydney Harbour? You know Opera House, the Harbour Bridge and all that.
 
BABS
Its friggin miles away and nothing but soap operas when you get there.

ANNIE
Im going to Australia one day. I want to do something, not just sit at a desk all bloody day.


INT. AN OFFICE FOYER CONTINUOUS

Annie and Babs enter the office building overlooking the square, showing their ID cards to security and cross to the lift, their HEELS loud on the stone floor.



Hope you read it, Chip
« Last Edit: October 08, 2012, 11:17:19 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline ChipTee

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 136
Re: SYDNEY HEADS
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2006, 09:00:41 AM »
I've been away a few days - Sydney Heads, no comment in a week.

Is this a record?

Chip

Offline Angeleyes

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1382
Re: SYDNEY HEADS
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2006, 09:22:14 AM »
Hi ChipTee.

I have no knowledge of scriptwriting, so can't offer any constructive comment on the layout.

What I did want to say was that it read very well. I like the idea of the younger woman, Annie percieving Hamid as an ok guy, while Babs sees him in a totally different way.
I'm intreagued to see where it goes. Keep us posted.
May all your dreams come true.

Whether you think you can, or think you can't....you're right!
-Henry Ford.

Offline ChipTee

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 136
Re: SYDNEY HEADS
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2006, 09:29:25 AM »
Thanks Angeleyes, what happens?
In a nutshell Annie's boss (40s male) disparages her concern for Hamid who is then mugged; Annie goes to his aide, he dies in hospital. Annie and a WPC go to his lodgings, finding he won medals for service in the merchant navy and the modest money he earned from his knot sales was always sent to an orphans home in the place of his birth. In the light of events Annie resigns her job intending to travel to Sydney Heads then to find Hamid's orphanage.
It was scripted for twelve minutes - probably needs longer.
Chip

Offline custard

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 134
  • i wonder if they've noticed my wig?
Re: SYDNEY HEADS
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2006, 07:01:28 PM »
I think this is a very good example. IMO, you've got a good flow and good balance between description and conversation. I could imagine this visually, and that is what the script-reader will want. If that's the first 3 mins of 12, then it's almost your first act, so you should have met certain critiria. I don't know if you know about that side of it, i can give you some info i've got here, but it seems you know what your doing.

My only other advice is, finish it, edit it, send it everywhere!!!! ( shame i don't listen to my own advice! )

Offline ChipTee

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 136
Re: SYDNEY HEADS
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2006, 01:42:23 PM »
Thanks, Custard. It is 'finished' in that it is written to short film length, has been submitted to people asking for short scripts through Shooters Screenwriter Bulletins without take-up.
Problem is these are all on low/nil budgets and the script has a number of actors and locations.
Considering revising the story as a TV script over 30/40 minutes. Haven't tried any TV script writing so it is on a backburner for now.
Chip

Offline mellie

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
Re: SYDNEY HEADS
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2006, 11:17:08 PM »
I think the dialogue is very good, Chip. And the interaction between annie and the man (i forget his name) is very sweet. I'd like to know more which is definitely a good sign!