Author Topic: New Pilot - First Scene  (Read 1573 times)

Offline eashort

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New Pilot - First Scene
« on: April 22, 2011, 03:38:16 PM »
I have a very vivid idea for this pilot that I am in the middle of writing.... I have the majority of it written in a story format, and right now I am in the process of putting what I already have into script format.... However, I was hoping that I would be able to get some opinions on my first scene.

Here is the storyline I have, to help you understand:

Phillip Smith and Aaron Jenkins, are best friends, roommates, and unemployed web developers. For the last few years, the pair of have been maintaining there own website, despite most of its visitors remaining a small group of personal friends and family. When the two catch wind of two openings at a major software company, the two immediately begin to update their portfolios and work on a sample website required of all interviewees. Getting cocky, the two go out to celebrate their new jobs, and end up coming home drunk with two girls. When one of the girls tries to check her email, but inadvertently deletes some of their work. Rushing to the computer, drunken Phillip and drunken Aaron desperately try to restore their work. The next morning the two awake to discover that they actually, in their drunken stupor, merged bits and pieces of their sample site with their actual website, and the number of hits has sky-rocketed. The two now find themselves the creators of the next big thing in social media.

~~~

Here is what I currently have for the first scene. Any and all critiques are greatly appreciated.... And thank you for just taking the time to read! =)

I will post some more just as soon as I finish transcribing all that I have.

~~~


FADE IN:

   INT.  APARTMENT – DAY

PHILLIP SMITH is sitting alone in his apartment, updating a website that he shares with his best friend/roommate, AARON JENKINS.

Aaron walks in, dressed in an old suit. He throws his briefcase onto a chair by the door.

               PHILLIP
      I’m guessing the job fair wasn’t a
      success then?

               AARON
      What was your first clue?

As he talks, Aaron loosens his tie and flings himself onto the sofa, facing away from Phillip.

While he is lying on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling, Aaron suddenly begins to rub his stomach in hunger. He looks over and notices an old pizza box, under a book on C++ computer language on the coffee table.

Sitting up, he throws the book to the side and opens the box to reveal several roaches crawling inside of it. He closes the box again, and places a new book on top of it, before falling back into the sofa cushions.

               PHILLIP
      Most people would have thrown that out.

Phillip speaks without even turning around to face Aaron.

               AARON
      Well, what can I say? I’m not most
      people….

Aarons leans over the back of the sofa, dangling upside-down, to face Phillip.

               AARON (cont’d)
      Any hits today?

               PHILLIP
            (distracted; still typing)
      Hundred… hundred and fifty… somewhere
      in there…

               AARON
      Hmm…. The usual people then?

When Phillip doesn’t answer right away, Aaron tries to hurl himself back to the other side of the sofa, but he miscalculates and lands on the floor.

Phillip turns around.

               PHILLIP
            (sarcastically)
      You know, head injuries can cause
      brain damage.

               AARON
      Yeah, but what harm can it do now?

Aaron picks himself up off the floor.

               AARON (cont’d)
      Coffee?

               PHILLIP
      Sure…. Just let me grab my coat.


Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: New Pilot - First Scene
« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2011, 08:32:56 PM »
the story seems interesting.

Is it like a comedy or something?

I've always had trouble with writing dialogue, but I can learn a couple things from you.

Offline Maimi

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Re: New Pilot - First Scene
« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2011, 09:24:44 PM »
Hello Eashort,

I see it’s been several months since you last visited. Welcome back. :)

Is this going to be a spoof on The Social Network? Not to say it has to be, but that’s what came to mind.

Quote
FADE IN:

   INT.  APARTMENT – DAY

PHILLIP SMITH is sitting alone in his apartment, updating a website that he shares with his best friend/roommate, AARON JENKINS.
‘...that he shares with his best friend/roommate, AARON JENKINS’ can’t be shown or heard as it’s written. Their relationship and the fact they own the site have to come out visually or through dialogue. Having said that, Aaron waltzing in and flopping on the couch, as well as their casual exchange, clued me in on them being roommates. ;)

Aaron is introduced in the first line, however, he doesn't enter the scene until the second line. Don't introduce your characters prematurely. Introduce them when they do or say something.

Quote
               PHILLIP
      I’m guessing the job fair wasn’t a
      success then?

               AARON
      What was your first clue?

As he talks, Aaron loosens his tie and flings himself onto the sofa, facing away from Phillip.
‘As he talks’ is after Aaron’s dialogue. I think having your narration before the dialogue and omitting the phrase is enough to clue an actor in.

                PHILLIP
      I’m guessing the job fair wasn’t a
      success then?

Aaron loosens his tie and flings himself onto the sofa.

               AARON
      What was your first clue?

Quote
While he is lying on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling, Aaron suddenly begins to rub his stomach in hunger. He looks over and notices an old pizza box, under a book on C++ computer language on the coffee table.
Since Aaron was on the sofa, I think this can be tightened by just having him stare at the ceiling and rub his stomach. Also, I think ‘in hunger’ is unnecessary. It's a feeling, whereas his action of going for the pizza box shows us he’s hungry.

Good start.
-Maimi

P.S. Don't forget to comment on pieces by other members. :)

Offline eashort

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Re: New Pilot - First Scene
« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2011, 10:08:44 PM »
Thank you very much, to both of you, for your comments.

Maimi- Thank you. This is only the second pilot that I have written. I typically write comedy sketches, and the format can be a bit more lax. So, I am still having a bit of trouble remembering that I HAVE to watch out for things that can't be shown and to omit them. Thank you! =D