Author Topic: Crown Rose - v1.0.3 (adult content)  (Read 2570 times)

Offline Odd_Duck

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Crown Rose - v1.0.3 (adult content)
« on: April 19, 2011, 01:53:23 AM »
Here is the link to my screenplay. I have written most of what I have about 4,500 words and 50 pages. I think I need to add more structure like descriptions of rooms and dressing ect... but please let me know what you think. Any critiquing I would love.
Don't forget to look for the small details like Madonna taking off her wedding band, or the ambiance of Tiffany's jewelry store.


Here is the link ... http://www.aaronvoreck.com/Open_Dir/v1.0.1_Crown_Rose.pdf


Here is an excerpt from the begging:

Scene 1

FADE IN: Central Park

CENTRAL PARK, NYC– AFTERNOON
[Time is about 2pm or 3pm. Wind blowing through trees, Curt Cobain’s Face and man walking through park. Mild amount of passersby. Camera moves about the park, finally ending on Courtney sitting on a bench reading a book. Courtney looks just like any other New Yorker. Wearing a nice business suit, purse on the bench next to her, Courtney seems the epidamy of a good life.]
                            
DISSOLVE TO:

COURTNEY LOVE, Woman early 40’s, artist, interior design, sitting on bench reading a book.

KEANU REEVES: Male mid 40’s, charming, handsome swagers up to Courtney like he owns the place.

KEANU:
 [Comes up from behind Courtney, cupping Court’s nape, chewing on her ear…. ending in a kiss. He gives her flowers. Roses.]
[Keanu sits next to her, they have small talk…about anything [1:45 minutes] Both get up hand in hand and catch a cab back home to SoHo, passing a Crown Rose Poster. ]

DISSOLVE: Fade Out



Scene 2

FADE IN: Outside of Tiffanies

TIFFANIES –scene where all Tiffanies characters are introduced and Madonna is introduced.

[Shot starts outsides Angel opening the door for Robert Redfriend]
ROBERT REDFREIND Senior aged, Manager, well dressed.


Robert:
Hi,
[Inside door]
How is the day going?
[Playing with cuffs]

ANGEL, Late 30’s, Gay, dresses well, clean shaven, Salesman

Angel:
[Awesome suit, close cut hair, acting coy]
Good we’ve had a few small sales …. No stones though.





Robert:
[Talking, looking at all employees]
Alright let’s do inventory, it’s almost the end of the month, no sense not getting started if no one’s coming to buy.


Angel
[nods]


RED, Salesman, red hair, clean cut
Red:
[Folded hands]
Hello, how’s your day been?

Robert:
 [Eying Scarlet]
Good,
 [Eyes back]
 How have you been…?

Red:
 Good, Good.

SCARLET, Early 30’s saleswoman, black mini dress
Scarlet:
 Hi

Robert:
[Smiles… , Looks at a picture of Audrey Hepburn. Chuckles. Walks behind the counter]

DISSOLVE TO OUTSIDE:





















Scene 2.1

MADONNA, Woman early 50’s dressed up, no wedding ring, purse, looking at showcase of Inspiration diamonds.
Angel:
[See’s her and waits at the door, opens the door for her when her hand comes out to open it]
 Hello madam.

Madonna:
 Oh hello, how are you?

Angel:
 Fine mam, and how is your day?

Madonna:
[Saying it with aiers]
 Fine, thank you.
 [Walks to center showcase of crown rose diamonds]

Angel:
 [Walks back behind the counter.][pauses … 20 seconds while Modanna looks around]
May I help you try a piece on?

Madonna:
 I was thinking about this set.


Angel:
 Then Let me help you.
[Angel takes out a full set bouquet of Crown Rose Diamonds, he takes the necklace earring and wedding band from the showcase and sets them on the counter. He walks around the counter.  Madonna pulls her hair up as Angel puts on the necklace. Putting her hair down Madonna takes the earring from Angel’s outstretched hand.]

Madonna:
[Smiling, acting Coy]
You know I’ve loved these since they first came out, but never thought I could afford them.

[Robert peaks from behind the doors, then closes the door.]

Angel:
 That’s hard to imagine from a woman of your beauty.

[Angel hands Madonna the wedding band still in its box.]

Madonna:
 I wish I had a man to buy these for me.

Angel:
 [Coughs]

Madonna:
[Walks to the the mirror]
You know I almost can’t stand how beautiful these are.

Angel:
 … Mmmm

Madonna:
 Thank you,…. Angel, You said?

Angel:
mam  yes

Madonna:
 You might as well take them back I know I can’t get them.
 [Madonna pulls back her hair, Angel takes off the necklace, Madonna takes out the earrings and off with the wedding band.]

[Angel puts back the set.]

Madonna:
 You know that may be the only time I get to wear them …. Thank you. .
[Turn and walks outside]

[Angel puts the set away.]

CAMERA FADES OUT:
Scene 3
 
FADE IN: Outside Tiffanies

Madonna:
 [Gets into a cab, slips ring back on finger, Blah, blah and blah, Madonna return to her apt in SoHo, Upstairs]
Mike I’m home …

Mike:
[Smiling]
 Hey honey, how you are…?

Madonna:
 Fine, the girls and I went out for coffee and a little shopping.

 Mike:
How was Mary?

Madonna:  
She seemed fine but you never know. The divorce is defiantly taking a toll on her.

Mike:
 I’m sorry to hear that… Have to talked to Stephanie [Mike and Madonna’s college daughter] today?

Madonna:
 Yeah she’s having trouble with her girlfriend again, but she said school is going well.

Mike: when’s she ganna learn ..

Madonna
 [grunts.]

[Possible 2 more minutes of talk]
DISSOLVE: apt

















Scene 4

FADE IN: Courtney & Keanu Apt.

Courtney:
[Courtney in only white panties, Blouse and bra, sitting on the edge of the bed.]
 Where are you hun?, not staying up watching basket ball are you..?

Keanu:
 Just turning it off [the t.v.], I gatta take a shower …

Courtney:
[teasing] I want you to FUK me … now

[Keanu walks into the bedroom seeing court in only underwear bra and panties.]

Keanu:
Grrrrrr [growling] you know just what I need.
[Unbuttons blouse, pulls panties down 2 inches, growling, and rips off her underware, shot from the side/ back, no pussy, pushing court on to the bed Keanu takes off his belt and unbuttons his pants.

DISSOLVE: Apt. Bedroom


Thanks in Advance,
-Odd
« Last Edit: April 21, 2011, 08:21:15 AM by Maimi »

Offline fire-fly

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Re: Crown Rose - v1.0.3
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2011, 02:04:32 AM »
Hi odd duck and welcome to MWC.  :)

Be nice to see you introduce yourself on the Welcome Board and follow the guidelines for posting from there.

We like members to give a little before expecting a critique on MWC.  ;)

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/board,1.0.html
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Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


Offline Maimi

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Re: Crown Rose - v1.0.3
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2011, 08:49:38 AM »
Hello Odd Duck,

You'll also receive more feedback if you copy and paste an excerpt of your work (no more than 1,000 words), instead of providing a link. Many shy away from links.

To edit your post click Modify at the top right of your post. Then paste an excerpt of your screenplay. Pasting it here will mess with your formatting, but with a few tweaks it'll be good to go. :)

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: Crown Rose - v1.0.3
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2011, 09:55:45 PM »
Does this exceed the word limit?
Just wondering.
You can't post an excerpt that exceeds 2000 words.
 :'(

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Crown Rose - v1.0.3
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2011, 09:59:39 PM »
Does this exceed the word limit?
Just wondering.
You can't post an excerpt that exceeds 2000 words.
 :'(
It's okay - 1,719 words. :)


510bhan
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Offline Maimi

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Re: Crown Rose - v1.0.3
« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2011, 08:17:41 AM »
Hello Odd Duck,

They're right about the word limit being 2,000, however, that's for prose and not scripts. The word limit here is 1,000 words (see script guideline below). We normally let the writer trim their work, but I modified this one so we could get on with the critiques. It's now just below 1,000. To hit 1,000 words would have only allowed for the first bit of Scene 5 and I don't like to break scenes up. ;)

Review My Script is a board specifically devoted to scriptwriting.

Use this board to post excerpts from any dramatic work, including TV and radio scripts, theater plays and movie screenplays. On this board excerpts of up to 1,000 words are permitted, though shorter than this is encouraged. Please continue to post excerpts from prose work (short stories, novels, articles, etc.) on Review My Work, and poetry in Poets Corner.

Regards,

Maimi
Global Moderator

P.S. I also added the adult content warning in your subject line.
« Last Edit: April 21, 2011, 08:22:02 AM by Maimi »

Offline Maimi

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Re: Crown Rose - v1.0.3 (adult content)
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2011, 12:30:59 PM »
Hello Odd Duck,

Sorry about the delay in reviewing your piece. :)

Quote
Scene 1

FADE IN: Central Park

EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NYC– AFTERNOON
[Time is about 2pm or 3pm. Wind blowing through trees, Curt Cobain’s Face and man walking through park. Mild amount of passersby. Camera moves about the park, finally ending on Courtney sitting on a bench reading a book. Courtney looks just like any other New Yorker. Wearing a nice business suit, purse on the bench next to her, Courtney seems the epidamy of a good life.]
There are a few formatting issues, but it won't take long to correct them. ;)

Remove the brackets from the narrative. They distract the reader. I've not read a screenplay with them or found such formatting in manuals on screenwriting.

Heading/Slug Line- You include the location and time of day, however, interior (INT.) or exterior (EXT.) is missing. EXT. is needed here since it's in the park.

Unless 'Time is about 2pm or 3pm' is necessary, let AFTERNOON in the heading do its job of indicating the time of day. If it's a movie where the actual time is necessary and there's a countdown during the movie, there are ways to convey/format such specific information.

'Camera moves about the park, finally ending on' is technical direction and shouldn't be included. It detracts from the story and slows the read down. Your narrative, however, can influence what the camera is focused on. For example, Courtney looks up from her book lets the reader know the camera is on Courtney.


Quote
DISSOLVE: Fade Out



Scene 2

FADE IN: Outside of Tiffanies

EXT. TIFFANIES - DAY

TIFFANIES –scene where all Tiffanies characters are introduced and Madonna is introduced.
You use FADE IN and FADE OUT often. Most only use FADE IN in at the beginning, unless you do something like FADE TO BLACK later in the script.

A scene heading/slug line (INT./EXT. LOCATION - TIME) must be provided every time you change scenes. By doing this, a change in scenes is a given and most don't include transitions such as CUT TO or the likes.

If the scene goes from outside (EXT.) to inside (INT.) the store, the scene has change. Therefore, another slug line is needed.

As far as the explanation of the scene being where characters are introduced, this appears to be a note about what you're going to show us. Don't summarize a scene beforehand. Let action and dialogue do the work.

Quote
Robert:
Hi,
[Inside door]
How is the day going?
[Playing with cuffs]
CAPS character names before their dialogue.

Parentheticals should be in parentheses and used sparingly.


Robert plays with his cuffs as he stands in the doorway.


                      ROBERT

          Hi... How is the day going?


Quote
Mike:
 I’m sorry to hear that… Have you to talked to Stephanie [Mike and Madonna’s college daughter] today?
This is dialogue, however, the section in brackets looks like a note to the reader and not something Mike is to say. If it's dialogue, then take it out of the brackets. If not ...

Moving what's in brackets to narrative wouldn't work either, since the information isn't something the audience would see. Working in how they're related to Stephanie may mean rethinking the dialogue or their actions.

Quote
Madonna:
 [Gets into a cab, slips ring back on finger, Blah, blah and blah, Madonna return to her apt in SoHo, Upstairs]
How does blah, blah, blah translate to the screen? Blah, blah, blah won't get it. I imagine a script with such would land in the rejection pile.

Perhaps I missed it, but I'm not getting the connection between the opening scenes with Courtney and those with Madonna. Also, much of scene 2 and 2.1 consist of people greeting one another. Be careful about how long and how often mundane interactions take place, if information isn't included that drives the story forward.

If you've not, read screenplays. You'll be surprised how much you learn by reading them. There's also a lot of formatting information on the internet, otherwise, your local library might have a few screenplay formatting manuals.

Keep working on it. ;)

Maimi
« Last Edit: April 21, 2011, 01:18:00 PM by Maimi »

Offline Odd_Duck

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Re: Crown Rose - v1.0.3 (adult content)
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2011, 02:47:47 PM »
I thank you implicitly for the critique you wrote me ... Thank you Now all i have to do is re-write my script ...lol
j/k .. You gave me good information and I will be sure to put it to good use.
Thank,you
-Odd

Offline Maimi

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Re: Crown Rose - v1.0.3 (adult content)
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2011, 05:18:14 PM »
Now all i have to do is re-write my script ...lol
:D Don't get me started on how many times I've rewritten one of my scenes. Yet, I'm sure I'll do it again. :)