Author Topic: More Scenes  (Read 3119 times)

Offline Technofear

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More Scenes
« on: August 07, 2006, 01:24:12 PM »
Some more. I'm fucking on one today...

____________________

INT. WORSE AND SANDEEP'S TOILET- DAY

Jason wakes up groggily. At first, we do not know where he is, save for the fact that he seems to be sitting up. As he comes to, he looks around, the looks down at himself.

It would seem that he has fallen asleep on the toilet. He is still wearing most of the clothes he was in last night. His trousers and boxer shorts are around his ankles, and he is missing a shoe. He leans his head back against the wall and closes his eyes, moaning.

Without warning, the door flies open, and Worse walks in, already dressed in his suit. He seems completely unaffected by last night's activities.

WORSE
Oh, there you are. Get out, I need to take a piss.

Jason moans again, before standing up unsteadily. He pulls up his boxer shorts, then staggers out of the Toilet, pushing past Worse, into the upstairs hallway.

INT. WORSE AND SANDEEP'S UPSTAIRS HALLWAY- DAY

Worse walks into the toilet and starts urinating, not closing the door. Jason slumps against the wall outside the toilet, his trousers still around his ankles.

Sandeep walks out of his bedroom, wearing a red satin robe. He seems a little worse for wear, but nowhere near as bad as Jason. He notices Jason.

SANDEEP
You alright, mate?

JASON
Fuck off.

SANDEEP
You waiting for the bog?

JASON
Nah. Just got off it. Think I'm gonna go downstairs.

SANDEEP
You should probably pull your trousers up first. You'll do yourself a damage.

JASON
I think I've already done meself a damage.

Pushing himself away from the wall, he pulls up his trousers and then staggers downstairs.

Worse finally finishes urinating and leaves the toilet without washing his hands.

WORSE
You're up.

SANDEEP
Cheers.

Sandeep walks in and closes the door behind him. Worse walks over to Sandeep's room and pokes his head round the door.

INT. SANDEEP'S BEDROOM- DAY

Worse's head appears from around the door. One of the women Sandeep drunkenly propositioned on the train last night, let's call her TRAIN GIRL, is sitting up in his bed. Apon seeing Worse, she quickly pulls up the quilt to cover herself.

Worse offers her a wide grin.

WORSE
Hello.

She smiles back.

TRAIN GIRL
Hi.

The smile suddenly disappears from his face.

WORSE
If you're not out of my house in ten minutes I'll set the dog on ya.

The smile disappears, from her face, now. She looks afraid.

Worse smiles again.

WORSE
Only jokin'.

She smiles again, uneasily, clearly not clear what to believe.

Worse stops smiling again, then slowly backs out of the room.

INT. WORSE AND SANDEEP'S UPSTAIRS HALLWAY- DAY

Worse walks up to the closed toilet door and knocks on it, before shouting through it to Sandeep.

WORSE
She seems nice!

Without waiting for an answer back, he turns on his heels and goes downstairs.

INT. WORSE AND SANDEEP'S KITCHEN- DAY


Jason is standing at the sink. The tap is on. He shakily fills up a glass he's holding with water, downs it in one, the fills it up again. He continues doing this as Worse waltzes in. He inhales and exhales deeply.

WORSE
Good day to be alive, don't you think?

JASON
Why ain't you fucked?

WORSE
I puked in the bath last night.

JASON
What, while you were in it?

WORSE
Nah, I think I had a shower first. I woke up this morning smelling really clean.

We can hear somebody coming down the stairs. Train Girl pokes her head arond the staircase to look at Worse and Jason.

TRAIN GIRL
Um... bye.

Jason does not look up from the sink.

JASON
Bye.

Worse looks down at his watch.

WORSE
Five minutes.

With that, she hastily makes her way out the front door.

JASON
Who was that?

WORSE
Fucked if I know. Anyway, I'm off to work. Let the dog in when you're no longer a fucking mess.

With that, he hurries out the front door.

Sandeep walks down into the kitchen, still wearing his robe.

SANDEEP
Worse gone?

JASON
Yeah. I think. I dunno. I think I'm dying. Who was that girl.

Sandeep ignores him and walks into the Bath Room.

SANDEEP(Yelling From Bath Room)
OH, WHO'S FUCKING DONE THIS?!

Offline custard

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Re: More Scenes
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2006, 07:19:04 PM »
I really think that's good! You've got some nice characters and had them conversing in a believable way. A little formating to get right, but then you might know that. other than that ( in my opinion anyway ), an all round good piece of writing.

Can't wait to read more ( or maybe see more!). ;)

Offline ChipTee

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Re: More Scenes
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2006, 01:45:46 AM »
Think you need a strong language warning to comply with the board rules.

Not everyone's cup of tea, but good and believable in it's genre. Depending where the plot goes it could find a market. Are you set on film, or would TV be in your sights?

You probably know should be a double line gap between each scene.

Chip

Offline Technofear

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Re: More Scenes
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2006, 01:05:31 PM »
Think you need a strong language warning to comply with the board rules.

Not everyone's cup of tea, but good and believable in it's genre. Depending where the plot goes it could find a market. Are you set on film, or would TV be in your sights?

You probably know should be a double line gap between each scene.

Chip

I'm pretty much set to film. I'm going to try and film it myself with my friends next summer, hopefully having the script up to a filmable level by February.

Offline lee_chick

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Re: More Scenes
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2006, 05:50:59 PM »
I have to admit it's not my usual style but I like it - you manage to create a handful of uncomfortably real characters here.  It could probably use some polishing but I'll admit I was so taken in by the characters and the scene that I wasn't really paying attention to the technical details.  Good work!
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