Author Topic: Full Scene (From post My Screenplay Idea in Review My Script)  (Read 2410 times)

Offline JaskaranRajput

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BLACK SCREEN:

You hear piano music, elegant as the some of the best piano players of the world today. You hear nothing else.

FADE IN:

Int. The Viceroy's mansion - Day

An Indian man, perhaps a servant to the viceroy, is elegantly playing the complex musical piece to please his master. The viceroy, commonly known as Lord Vikus, is sitting at his business table, eating his splendid meal, while his two guests are enjoying there's with him.

Across from him is his sister that has come from England to stay for a few months with her new viceroy brother.

On the viceroy's side is the sister's fiance, who agreed to come to the crown jewel of the imperialist countries to enjoy the company of his relatives.

The viceroy is a stern man, who doesn't joke, doesn't falter in his speech, and seems merciless to any one who doesn't follow him. His character has scared some, while embraced others, but most of his servants and generals fear him. He is enjoying his meal.

The sister is fanning herself, while the fiance observes the huge mansion.

It is an awkward silence.

The fiance looks at the viceroy, then feels uncomfortable when he looks back at him.

Fiance

I must say, Vikus...this was a fine day in Delhi. Honestly,I think I could move here!

VICEROY

What else can you expect from the crown jewel of the British empire. Course it isn't my doing yet, but it soon will be.


Sister

And who will worry about the stock bonds at home? Honestly Vikus, it was really nice of you to bring us here, but it is awfully hot in this place! How do you endure this heat?

Viceroy

Nothing can interfere in the presence of money...

The sister laughs at this.

Viceroy

Now that you are here, I strongly recommend you visit some of our ground sites near the Taj. The government has been engaged in economic projects for the past three years, and I am leading one also. In the next three years, Great Britain's wealth will be at least twice as much.

The sister feels excited about this, while the fiance is slightly jealous at the viceroy's to-be accomplishment.

Sister

So how has been going since the start of your post?

The viceroy looks up at her, after being in a daze for a few minutes.

Viceroy

I haven't been on the job for a week, and the tension is already coming. But you know, that is something I knew would happen before I got accepted for this post.

Fiance

Always prepared, Vikus, always prepared...

Vikus

Just like my father...robust, on top of everything...no wonder he did so well as viceroy...and I intend on doing the same...

Sister

Yes, he definitely was a great man...always us the proper care when needed...he was a great father.

Vikus

Did you know, sir, that our father was in the Great War? He only fought there for a few months, but learned so much in that time.

The piano player changes his tune, and the atmosphere becomes somewhat more relaxed.

Vikus

One day, while me and my sister were playing cricket on our land, he came out a few hours into the game, specifically coming towards me, and handed me a golden pocket knife...the one he used for the war, and he said to me that very second- "Son, in war, a man learns so much...and the marks of what I learned are on this knife...use it wisely"

He dazes off, after putting down his silverware, as if reflecting into his colorful past.

The fiance is intrigued, and looks at his wife, who in turn is looking at his brother.

Viceroy

Use it wisely...that's what he told me...before dying three days after... I remorse that day.

Sister

Indeed...and, I just wanted to comment on your piano player, Vikus...he is definitely talented.

VICEROY

Trained him myself...Nagpal can do anything now...he is a good servant, if only his hearing were better...

Just then, a tall and rather dastardly looking officer approaches the viceroy, although a little embarrassed at the sight ofthe other two.

Officer

My apologies to both of you, the viceroy has an urgent message to address at his office...

VICEROY

That depends, Williams, who is it from?

Williams

M, sir, over the Krishna village evictions,sir. Some minor complications, sir.

The viceroy thinks about this for a second then makes his decision.

The viceroy gets up from the table.

Viceroy

If you will excuse me, sister, but I must attend to this business.


Sister

Yes, we should be heading back to the admiral's mansion right about now...

Fiance

(Gets up from the table)

It was a pleasure to finally meet you, Vikus, or Viceroy of the country...

He lets out his hand, and the viceroy shakes the hand firmly.

Viceroy

Take good care of sister now, will you?

The fiance looks at him awkwardly, but carries out his wife from the area, while the general follows the viceroy brisking towards is office.

  The viceroy stops near the piano, now with a new tune.

VICEROY

Nagpal, that is enough...Nagpal...Nagpal!

The general jumps at the feeling of startle.

A foul key is hit, and the servant looks up. He is slightly deaf and the viceroy's second servant ussualy helps.

Viceroy

You may leave, Nagpal! Leave!

It takes him a minute to decode the message, but once figuring out,puts away his note sheet, and walks away from the piano, most likely going to tend to other business.

                                                     CUT TO:

Int. the viceroy's office - cont.

VICEROY

I know I could get them out by force. I know can, but I'm afraid it will spark a rebellion, or an uprising in the future. We already have the protests happening up North...My duty is to keep this country under British command...


WILLIAMS

(Walks from the table to where Vikus is)

Not just in this province, sir, but practically all of them...I am telling you, rebellion is sparking! Just a few days ago, they mentioned of a man in lower India, by the name of...

Viceroy

Gandhi...the British government will have to take measures upon him...give the Krishna village two months, and I am being lenient on this, I know, but two months will be the final cut for them to evacuate...otherwise, you know the alternative.

WILLIAMS

Not to worry on that, sir, we always have our weapon ready.

Viceroy

If the villagers can't learn to give in, then they will learn what happens when you chose the side of rebellion. All Indians will understand eventually...that we are here, and we aren't leaving...

WILLIAMS

I will alert the governor of the province, sir... tell him to continue with the railroad complex.

Viceroy

Good. The material coming on that track will be valuable, so security will have to be tight as well...follow your orders captain, regarding the time limit, and watch how they leave.

WILLIAMS

As you command, sir.

He makes his final salute to the viceroy before leaving the office through the door.

Outside, through the window, you see him prepare the cavalry to go towards the village.

They head out.

Vikus gets off from his chair, looking out the window ofhis office at the beautiful empire that he is going to lead on of his father's.

Just then, a servant comes in with a silver plate, and on it are components of a cigar.

The Indian servant formulates the cigar with the fresh ground spices and flavorings from the imported materials.

Once he is done, he lights it, and hands it to the viceroy,who takes it, and smokes it while looking out into the horizon. Out of his pocket he pulls out a pocket knife, and opens up to reveal a shining blade...

BLACK SCREEN:

Wonder if this sounds interesting.
This is from the post My Screenplay Idea, from Review My Script


Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: Full Scene (From post My Screenplay Idea in Review My Script)
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2011, 11:05:47 PM »
I would really like some feedback on this.This is the first scene I have written for one of my ideas, and I need to know if i did it right.
Thank you.  ;D

Offline eric

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Re: Full Scene (From post My Screenplay Idea in Review My Script)
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2011, 08:13:55 AM »
I think the storyline is interesting, and you have a lot of authentic details in it.  But it seems to me it reads more like a book than a screenplay.  Rather than explaining each item, show a string of pictures in your words that will illustrate what you are trying to say, either in graphic images or dialogue.  The dialogue you do have is a little stilted, also.  Work to make it more natural.  Since this is a period piece that is something of a challenge for you, but revisions will help.  Good job overall.  

there's ---> theirs
« Last Edit: April 06, 2011, 08:37:45 AM by eric »

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: Full Scene (From post My Screenplay Idea in Review My Script)
« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2011, 05:40:45 PM »
Thanks.
But what do you mean by natural?
Does the dialogue seem awkward?

Offline Maimi

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Re: Full Scene (From post My Screenplay Idea in Review My Script)
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2011, 11:05:48 AM »
Hello Jaskaran Rajput,

Some of your information can't be shown on the screen. Read through and try to visualize what you've written, then rework what you can't.

For example, can you see "his sister that has come from England to stay for a few months with her new viceroy brother"? This does not come across on the screen. It can, however, come out in dialogue or through other avenues, like having her look at a calendar where it notes "Leave England to visit brother". Or her congratulating him on his new position. I know, awful example but the picture comes across. Although, you have already brought some of this information out through dialogue. So, you're getting there. ;)

Quote
On the viceroy's side is the sister's fiance, who agreed to come to the crown jewel of the imperialist countries to enjoy the company of his relatives.
The same applies here. How do those watching the movie know the sister's fiance agreed to come to enjoy the company of his relatives ?

Remember, what you write will be moving pictures. We only know what we can see and hear. Action, dialogue, narration, montages and such are the tools at your disposal.

Quote
You hear piano music ...
Avoid you/we hear and you/we see. We see what happens and hear what plays.

Quote
His character has scared some, while embraced others, but most of his servants and generals fear him.
Excellent information on your character, but there is no action/direction to translate to the screen. Show me his servants fear him. Do they smile and interact with others, then scurry to the corner and cower when he enters the room?

Quote
The sister is fanning herself ...
Avoid 'is -ing". The sister fans herself.

There are a few formatting issues (CAPS all character names before their dialogue and CAPS master scene headings (a.k.a. slug lines)) but those and others are fixable with a study of formatting and by reading scripts.

You have a good start and material to work with. Don't give up or let frustration stop you. Frustration and screenwriting go hand and hand when I'm at the keyboard. ;D

Thanks for the read,
Maimi
« Last Edit: April 07, 2011, 11:25:44 AM by Maimi »

twisted wheel

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Re: Full Scene (From post My Screenplay Idea in Review My Script)
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2011, 12:18:47 PM »
i'll pop in tonight and give you the lowdown on my thoughts. hang in there - i'm busy.  8)

twisted wheel

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Re: Full Scene (From post My Screenplay Idea in Review My Script)
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2011, 04:46:49 PM »
deleted
« Last Edit: April 10, 2011, 11:58:37 AM by midnight candle »