Author Topic: Scene Descriptions (synopsis: Can you please critique this?)  (Read 1694 times)

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Scene Descriptions (synopsis: Can you please critique this?)
« on: March 31, 2011, 01:55:35 PM »
These are the first ten scenes that I have laid out. Just imagine watching this as a movie, and you see this scenes one by one in this order. refer to my other posts for characters and premise.

Descriptions:
It is black screen, then fades in to the following:

Scene #1
It is morning.  Nahar is getting ready for work at the newspaper factory. Genthi, Nahar's younger brother,gets ready as well, and is very happy that is wife is pregnant. He can't wait for his new son, that is coming in about four months. Nahar calls Ravi from upstairs.

Scene #2
Ravi, Nahar's older son, is sitting in his small room, smoking a cigarette, and once done, puts on his jacket, and heads out to drop off his uncle and father to work, while to going work himself. But he stops and turns back to Amir, Nahar's younger son, who shares the same room as Ravi, and is now getting ready for school. He asks Amir if he wants to go to Chicago tonight to see the Sears Tower again, but Amir says that their mother won't allow them, but Ravi says that he has a way of persuading their mother. At that moment, their mother comes in, and sends Ravi out to do his tasks, and also helps Amir out with his cothing, then takes him down also.

Scene #3
Outside the house that the family lives in, a train goes by in the distance, and you see Ravi exit from the house, as well as Nahar and Genthi, and enter the one car that the family has. They drive out, and go off into the distance.

Scene #4
Back inside the house, the small T.V. is on in the living room, and you see Bapu, the grandfather, sitting on a small couch, switching channels, criticizing everything that he sees. He asks his daughter in law for his tea, just in time Amir rushes out the door to catch his bus.

Scene #5
Amir is running to his bus stop, and just barely manages to get to the bus, which has already started moving.He gets on. Some kids in the front start to make fun of him, and throw things at him, but he keeps moving (He has to face this on a daily basis). He sits in the rear, where no one is at. Someone takes his backpack, and starts taking out the books within, and kids start laughing. Amir tries to grab it, but he is evaded every time.

Scene #6
After dropping off his father and uncle, Ravi has the car to himself. He has to go to work in a few hours himself, but before he does, he has to get his drugs. His car stops near a small home, where a gardener is working in the front. Raavi goes up to him, hands him some cash. The gardener goes inside, and comes out with a small pouch, and hands it to Ravi. it is weed, just to be clear. Ravi thanks him, and heads back to his car. he drives off.

Scene #7
Amir is in his class, learning just like his classmates. That is, until someone spitballs him in the back. Amir turns around, and sees three kids lauphing at him. He turns back around. They spitball him agian. this time he has had it. He turns around and jumps at the kid who did it, and rumbles with him. Kids run to watch, but the teacher comes, and breaks the fight. She tells all four of the kids, including Ravi, to meet after class. Amir sits back down at desk, angry and ashamed.

Scene # 8
At the newspaper factory, Nahar is working very hard, placing the newspaper and the sales together, and placing them in a compartment, and repeating the process. His brother, who was working, goes outside for a smoke, while Nahar does both his and Genthi's.

Scene #9
Outside of Amir's class, kids are playing in the playground. It is recess time. the playground is rather worn out and over used. Big kids from the streets are playing basketball at the hoops.

Scene #10
Amir and his bullies are sitting inside the classroom, their teacher interrogating each of them. The teacher lets the bullies and Amir go after assigning them detention, but Amir comes back, and requests that he has his seat changed. He says that the kids make fun of his family, his race, and to avoid any more fights, he wants to have his seat changed. The teacher feels sort of sorry for him, and says that he will arrange that tomorrow. Amir, thanking her, leaves to go the playground. He is angry about the bullies, and really wants to teach them a lesson...
    
Does this seem cohesive/interesting/emotional to you?
These are just the first ten scenes, but I hope you can already see what the characters are experiencing.

« Last Edit: March 31, 2011, 10:14:53 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: Scene Descriptions (synopsis: Can you please critique this?)
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2011, 10:11:23 PM »
Any feedback will be helpful.
 ;D

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Scene Descriptions (synopsis: Can you please critique this?)
« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2011, 10:16:12 PM »
When are you going to start writing this?

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: Scene Descriptions (synopsis: Can you please critique this?)
« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2011, 10:25:28 PM »
I have outlined it. I will start writing very soon.
 :)

Offline memnoch87

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Re: Scene Descriptions (synopsis: Can you please critique this?)
« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2011, 10:37:23 PM »
Well it feels like an interesting beginning. How long will these sequences take up? In my mind they have to be quite short. It feels like this is laying the groundwork and as such I want to see the main construct before I give an opinion.

Have a go at writing out these scenes for real and you will get FAR more feedback, the problem with reading an outline is that its a little dull. Most people will read what grabs their attention, an outline just doesn't excite people.

I hope this helps.

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: Scene Descriptions (synopsis: Can you please critique this?)
« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2011, 10:43:14 PM »
Thank you for the feedback. I will write out actual scenes, and post those instead.
 :)

Tony_A20

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Re: Scene Descriptions (synopsis: Can you please critique this?)
« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2011, 07:15:54 PM »
This scene by scene layout is a good technique and I think you should continue using it rather than trying to write each scene in finished detail. The problem I see with the scenes you have posted is that they are too detailed at this point in your script preparation.

If Ravi is the main story character, introduce him then skip to your scene #6 and show him buying drugs, that establishes character, complication, and perhaps a basis for future plot action. If Amir is the main character, since he is in scene #2 through scene #10, and the story is about him and his troubles with the other boys in his class, introduce him first and establish why the audience should care about him.

I think your audience needs to know who the story is about, why the story is about that character, and why the audience should care.

I think it would be better if you started out thinking at more macro level, with a scene for the beginning, the climax, and the ending, then gradually fill between these three scenes with the other major scenes in your story to cover off complications and plot activity that may occur.

It is important that with each scene, you have a stated reason why this scene is important to the story and what the viewer should learn from it.

Starting with scenes which provide basically an overview of the story you can then visualize the story structure and the events that need to happen to take the viewer from the opening to the climax and then to the end. Layering the scene preparation of your story from overview to detail, will keep the whole story in view and the plot structure consistent. Start with the basics and expand, as I showed you here:

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=35821.msg575880#msg575880

Remember, you are not writing a series of scenes, you are writing a script, and like an artist painting a portrait you should start out with the broad strokes and add detail when it is needed later.

Tony
« Last Edit: April 02, 2011, 07:20:10 PM by Tony_A20 »