Author Topic: The Waltz of Creole-Eddie’s Anna & His Last Maybe-No  (Read 761 times)

Offline Skip Slocum

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The Waltz of Creole-Eddie’s Anna & His Last Maybe-No
« on: April 22, 2011, 10:33:52 AM »
I have goofed around with poetry in the past, making a joke or rhyme.
This is my first serious attempt in a very long time. (And I probably broke every rule there is.)

The Waltz of Creole-Eddie’s Anna & His Last Maybe-No

Come to me,
This night,
Anna.

Let me dream,
Of you,
Again.

Hear the breath,
Of you,
In sleeping,

And be together,
As your,
Best friend.

Maybe no,
They’ll be,
Tomorrow.

Finding you,
At gates,
Instead.

Fais-do
With you
Forever,

Be
Never alone
Again.

Offline Amie

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Re: The Waltz of Creole-Eddie’s Anna & His Last Maybe-No
« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2011, 02:15:41 PM »
I think this is nice, it reminds me of a waltz.

I'm on my phone, so not easy to comment. My first impression was that it seemed a bit choppy. I think it's the commas at the end of each line and the caps at the beginning. Maybe that was intentional though, to give it a sort of tentative waltz feel? (like when you're learning to waltz together). I don't know, I think I'd prefer it without the caps and commas. There was also a line where the syntax seemed scrambled - can't see it now 'cos the phone screen isn't big enough :) - maybe someone else will spot the same line and point it out :)

But, sweet, I like it :)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline BBBlogger

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Re: The Waltz of Creole-Eddie’s Anna & His Last Maybe-No
« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2011, 03:30:55 PM »
The commas threw me, too. Otherwise I really like this! :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The Waltz of Creole-Eddie’s Anna & His Last Maybe-No
« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2011, 03:51:35 PM »
Hi Skip - I liked it when the last lines had 3 beats - felt more 'dancy' so I think to keep the rhythm you have you should add another beat to the first S - perhaps 'my Anna' to overcome this?

At the moment it's S1/L3=2, S2/L3=2, S3/L3=3, S5/L3=2, S6/L3=3, S7/L3=2, S8/L3=2

And the first lines: 3/3/3/5/3/3/2/1 - They seem to sound fine [obviously stressed differently to compensate for the extra beats/and the silences] but it might be worth exploring to see if it makes any difference.

Does Creole Eddie hang out with Ol' Cowboy? ;) ;) ;)

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: The Waltz of Creole-Eddie’s Anna & His Last Maybe-No
« Reply #4 on: April 22, 2011, 06:54:57 PM »
Okay, I believe I need more lessons because I didn't understand most of what you said Miss Sio.

Miss Amie, I was indeed trying to make this with the beats of 3/2 time waltz.

Miss BB, I was working with the commas on purpose. I made sure the second line of every stanza had two beats with a following echo.
3-2-1   
3-2-1

3-2-2   
3-2-2

2-2-1   
2-2-1

1-2-1   
1-2-1

It’s a Cajun waltz, most of which are tragic love stories. That’s why I used the dialect of a man from the Bayou, who pines for his love, praying for death so that maybe he can be with her once more.

Well that's what I was trying for.

Skip

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The Waltz of Creole-Eddie’s Anna & His Last Maybe-No
« Reply #5 on: April 22, 2011, 07:10:55 PM »
Okay, I believe I need more lessons because I didn't understand most of what you said Miss Sio.

Miss Amie, I was indeed trying to make this with the beats of 3/2 time waltz.

Miss BB, I was working with the commas on purpose. I made sure the second line of every stanza had two beats with a following echo.
3-2-1   
3-2-1

3-2-2   
3-2-2

2-2-1   
2-2-1

1-2-1   
1-2-1

It’s a Cajun waltz, most of which are tragic love stories. That’s why I used the dialect of a man from the Bayou, who pines for his love, praying for death so that maybe he can be with her once more.

Well that's what I was trying for.

Skip

Based on syllables, what I 'hear' is:
3-2-2
3-2-2

3-2-3
5-2-2

3-2-3
3-2-2

2-2-3
1-4-2


Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: The Waltz of Creole-Eddie’s Anna & His Last Maybe-No
« Reply #6 on: April 22, 2011, 07:14:20 PM »
Oh okay, now I see. I didn't take into account the syllables in the word used, relying on word count only.

Lol, I'll be keep tying.  ;D

Skip
« Last Edit: April 22, 2011, 07:16:07 PM by Skip Slocum »