Author Topic: Change of my original screenplay  (Read 2720 times)

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Change of my original screenplay
« on: March 22, 2011, 10:05:04 PM »
I decided to make a few changes to my original screenplay premise from my previous post ( my Screenplay Idea) because of logical problems, and because I felt that it wasn't realistic enough.

This is a new premise:
It is British India in the 1920's. After the departure of his father for economic reasons to Bombay, Ravi and his family become very poor, and unstable. The main thing that they try to protect economically is their land, which is supported by Ravi's older brother, but because of unstable income, the family is constantly at risk of losing their land. In the midst of it all, Ravi constantly dreams of seeing his father in Bombay, who may be the only one who could help them protect their land, but his mother discourages him from thinking about him, saying that he is most likely dead, since they stopped receiving letters from a month before.
One day, Ravi's best friend escapes from his home to get away from his drunk father, and suggests that he go with him to find a better life. Thinking that this may be a chance for him to find his father, he sets out with his friend, and they journey across imperial India, meeting several helpful or hopeless men and women that impact their very lives.
Eventually, however, once Ravi makes it to the port of Bombay, he finds out that his father has married to a different woman, and has given birth to two knew children. When Ravi approaches him the day he finds out, the father refuses to recognize him, and throws him out of his home.
Heartbroken and devastated by this, Ravi heads back to his farm land, only to see tat his house and family have disappeared, leaving behind a few workers who are building a factory in the area.
It is then that Ravi realizes that he hasn't been gone for days, but for months...

Offline Cyndith

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Re: Change of my original screenplay
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2011, 12:56:45 PM »
I decided to make a few changes to my original screenplay premise from my previous post ( my Screenplay Idea) because of logical problems, and because I felt that it wasn't realistic enough.

This is a new premise:
It is British India in the 1920's. After the departure of his father for economic reasons to Bombay, Ravi and his family become very poor, and unstable. The main thing that they try to protect economically is their land, which is supported by Ravi's older brother, but because of unstable income, the family is constantly at risk of losing their land. In the midst of it all, Ravi constantly dreams of seeing his father in Bombay, who may be the only one who could help them protect their land, but his mother discourages him from thinking about him, saying that he is most likely dead, since they stopped receiving letters from a month before.
One day, Ravi's best friend escapes from his home to get away from his drunk father, and suggests that he go with him to find a better life. Thinking that this may be a chance for him to find his father, he sets out with his friend, and they journey across imperial India, meeting several helpful or hopeless men and women that impact their very lives.
Eventually, however, once Ravi makes it to the port of Bombay, he finds out that his father has married to a different woman, and has given birth to two Knew children. When Ravi approaches him the day he finds out, the father refuses to recognize him, and throws him out of his home.
Heartbroken and devastated by this, Ravi heads back to his farm land, only to see that his house and family have disappeared, leaving behind a few workers who are building a factory in the area.
It is then that Ravi realizes that he hasn't been gone for days, but for months...

I feel you have a great premise.  Does the boy remember his father?  i'm not sure how long the father stayed with the family.  I see great potential for dialogue and interesting scenes.  Good luck on this!

While this serves as an outline, you might be thinking of a pitch, something that will grab attention!
« Last Edit: March 30, 2011, 12:58:26 PM by Cyndith »
--Cyndie

"Why do you do it in the first place? I mean you paint a picture, but you can't explain what it means because the audience is supposed to get it.  But then a judge comes along and says, 'I see this painting, but what you intended for me to see is not what I see; therefore, it isn't'"

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Change of my original screenplay
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2011, 12:58:48 PM »
This has more focus now - good for you. ;) ;) ;)

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: Change of my original screenplay
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2011, 11:18:50 PM »
Yes he does remember his father. The father left the house to find a better job in Bombay, and once he did, sent money back to the family, off which they were getting support. But, for some unknown reason, he stopped sending the money, and left the family for good.

Offline Cyndith

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Re: Change of my original screenplay
« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2011, 11:52:05 AM »
Very good.  This emotional connection with his father will enhance his journey. Perhaps you can add dialogue with his traveling companion which describes his memories as well as his fears about finding his father. 
--Cyndie

"Why do you do it in the first place? I mean you paint a picture, but you can't explain what it means because the audience is supposed to get it.  But then a judge comes along and says, 'I see this painting, but what you intended for me to see is not what I see; therefore, it isn't'"

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: Change of my original screenplay
« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2011, 12:27:54 PM »
I have actually given up this idea, because I still have to do a lot of research on what India looked like in the early 1900's under the British.

Now, I am working on a different story, about immigration, which some people in this forum know about.

I have a synopsis posted in the Review My Work category.
I am probably going to stick with that idea.

This one requires some time for research.
 ;D

Tony_A20

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Re: Change of my original screenplay
« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2011, 06:36:57 PM »
I think your premise still needs some work to establish a dramatic story. I feel the actual premise should be something like:

"A young boy named Ravi overhears a mortgage collector threatening his mother with foreclosure and loss of their family land. He dreams of seeking his father in Bombay, the only one, he believes, who can save their family from bankruptcy and losing their land. His mother discourages him, saying his father is most likely dead, since they stopped receiving letters from a month before."

The story could continue with:

 Ravi runs away with a friend to find his father, and after many adventures crossing Imperial India arrives in Bombay, where he discovers his father has married another woman and has another family. Disillusioned and dispirited Ravi decides to return home, but his friend convinces him to find a job and earn the necessary money to pay off the mortgage on their land. while the friend returns home, promising never to tell Ravi's family of his whereabouts, as well as promising to write Ravi with news of his family. (This gets the friend out of the way while allowing Ravi to keep track of his family)

Ravi finds a job with a small impoverished business, and the childless owner of the company treats him like a son. Working together they build the company into a thriving business. At last, years later, Ravi has the money to pay off the mortgage and returns to his home. (You decide the ending)

This could be an interesting story, with all the color, pomp and circumstance of Imperial India, but you would have to know what you're talking about. I suggest you read some Rudyard Kipling stories, and see how this type of thing has been done before. I don't think you could write this story successfully without having lived in India and having a first hand knowledge of the people and locations. This type of story has to have a happy ending - especially for Bollywood. (having Ravi return to his home years later as a young man allows him to have a romantic interest: a necessity for popular Indian films)

Tony
« Last Edit: April 01, 2011, 06:50:29 PM by Tony_A20 »

Tony_A20

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Re: Change of my original screenplay
« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2011, 09:10:22 PM »
Hello JaskaranRajput,

Well, after my last post, I was still intrigued by your premise and still thinking about how your story could be developed. So, keeping in mind that the market for such a script is obviously Bollywood, and Bollywood films like rags to riches stories, with a romance, lots of singing and dancing, and a big finale (usually a fancy wedding), I think that type of end product should be kept in mind when writing your script.

Here is my interpretation of how the story should go.

The store should start out with the scene in a small farming village. Ravi, his neighbor friend, and his friend's sister are playing together in the street. His friend's mother calls Ravi's friend and his sister in for dinner. When they part the sister looks longingly after Ravi, and the friend starts teasing his sister because she is in love with him. This establishes the basis of their future romance.

 Ravi goes home, and overhears a rent collector threatening his mother with expulsion from their land. They are tenant farmers, and when their crops failed the previous year, Ravi's father went to Bombay to find a job and pay the rent so they wouldn't be thrown off their land.

The next scene shows Ravi and his mother finishing their dinner. Ravi tells his mother he overheard the rent collector and asked if they are really going to be thrown off their land. Ravi's mother says yes, but explains his father has gone to Bombay to earn enough money to pay the rent, but has not been heard from for many months. The mother starts coughing establishing that she is in ill health.

The next scene shows Ravi talking to his friend, and his friends sister. Ravi says is going to Bombay to find his father and tell him what is happening and that he should come home and pay the rent. The friend says he will go with Ravi,you and they plan to meet later in the night to depart. The sister advises against their trip, but agrees to say nothing.

The next several scenes cover their trip to Bombay and the adventures they have. The adventures should be humorous, and some should be dangerous

When they arrive at Bombay there are several scenes as they search for Ravi's father. Finally, they discover Ravi's father has died, and Ravi vows to stay in Bombay and earn the money to pay the rent. The friend reluctantly returns home, and tells Ravi's mother what he is doing, but won't say exactly where Ravi is so the mother cannot find him.

Ravi finds a job with an impoverished business whose childless owner gradually adopts Ravi as his own son. Together, over the next several years, they build the business up until it is very successful. Ravi, growing up as a handsome young man, finally has enough money to go home and buy their land.

Arriving home, Ravi finds his mother has lost the land, and is extremely ill. She has been taken in by the neighbor and is being cared for by the sister, now grown up to be a beautiful woman. Ravi buys their previous land and another adjoining farm and brings the deeds to his mother. The mother is extremely happy, but extremely ill and at death's door. With the excitement of seeing Ravi again, and regaining the land, Ravi's mother dies. As she dies, she extracts a promise from Ravi and the sister that they will marry and live on the land as she and her husband did, when they were young and just married. Ravi and the sister agree because it is obvious they have fallen in love.

There is a short scene showing the cremation of Ravi's mother, and the affection Ravi in the sister have for each other.

The neighbors are happy to have handsome Ravi as a son-in-law, and begin planning their wedding.

The wedding is lavish for a small village and there is much singing, dancing, and rejoicing.

A final scene shows Ravi and his wife with a young child on their land bringing in a bountiful crop.

This type of story allows lots of room for the typical Bollywood musical interludes.

If I knew anything at all about India, and the Indian people and locations, I'd be tempted to write this myself. But since I don't, please use it as a suggestion for the type of story you could write, and maybe even sell.

Another afterthought. I think this story should be placed before World War I, when I believe life in India was reasonably peaceful. For a little historical accuracy, you could do a little research and find a time when crops did fail, to provide some historical basis for the story. Other then during the adventures of the boys traveling to Bombay, I would leave out references to the British because it really adds nothing to the story.

Tony

« Last Edit: April 02, 2011, 10:48:07 AM by Tony_A20 »

Offline JaskaranRajput

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Re: Change of my original screenplay
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2011, 01:20:23 AM »
Well, you see, I am working on something else,but with the ideas you have given me, I may continue with this one! Brilliant! Maybe I should go with this one, and set the other project aside. I am not sure.
You guys have given me something to think about.
\ ???

Offline eric

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Re: Change of my original screenplay
« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2011, 12:15:10 PM »
I like both your ideas, JR, but especially this one.  Keep them both and work on them as you can!