Author Topic: Part 4 - The Occasional Mistress  (Read 1389 times)

Offline 510bhan

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Part 4 - The Occasional Mistress
« on: March 18, 2011, 09:42:56 AM »
      In the car, the children remained silent too. Occasional hand squeezes and shoulder hugs marked their journey. Marty let his tears fall down his face uninterrupted and undisguised, Sasha sniffed and shook but neither of the children uttered a word. Louise hoped she would be able to provide some maternal solace but was at a loss to work out how. She decided she would try and get through today without any dreadful faux pas and for the moment, that was best served by silence.

     Louise feared she might blurt out, or do something inappropriate that would require subsequent retraction and apology. Momentary panic made her fumble in her bag for her phone, past her leather cigarette purse and a squashy packet of tissues until she found the hard plastic case identifying it and turned it off. She didn’t want the ring tone, Reet Petite, or the message tone, Smoke On The Water, to make an appearance in the middle of things and smiled to herself after a wicked picture snatched the opportunity for impropriety. Wasn’t it lucky he’d been buried and not cremated? She knew J-Dub wouldn’t have taken offence at her fancies, he loved her and he loved her mind – he always said so. He didn’t feel so ‘gone’ if she could still play with him.
     
     A glance through the window revealed they were near their destination. She furrowed her brow and the earlier smile changed to a frown. It irked her that J-Dub’s body had been brought back to the North of Ireland for burial. Of course it made perfect logical sense as his burial plot was behind his father. A funeral followed a death with such rapid dispatch that mourners and the bereaved had little time to check their emotions. There was bound to be a scene of some sort.
     
     That his ‘family home’ was his parent’s house annoyed Louise. She was married to him for twenty years and they lived in their own place. That was his family home . . . with his wife and family. Louise recognised the danger in dwelling upon something that ought to be a matter of nothing. Deep down, she didn’t care where he was buried, but it did highlight the way petty concerns became magnified when emotions were distraught. It further resolved her decision to say as little as possible.
     
     Small, shaky footsteps, in high heels made her teeter up the steps. It was different somehow without J-Dub and Louise tried to banish the little mind snakes that writhed through her consciousness. Her internal saboteur was having a field day and there was no J-Dub to call it to task. 

Offline Katinka

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Re: Part 4 - The Occasional Mistress
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2011, 06:19:24 PM »
   
   HOW ABOUT JUST PLAIN 'SHE TEETERED UP THE STEPS SHAKELY IN HER HIGH HEELS'  (Small, shaky footsteps, in high heels made her teeter up the steps.) It was different somehow without J-Dub...
GOOD WORK. I COULDN'T FIND ANY PROBLEM. I THOUGHT IT READ SMOOTHLY AND WAS INTERESTING. YOU WRITE WELL. 

Max_with_word_processor

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Re: Part 4 - The Occasional Mistress
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2011, 11:33:16 PM »
Nice writing, but there are some areas where I think the reader has to make assumptions. Perhaps the section that precedes this would make it clearer, if so, feel free to disregard my comments.

Occasional hand squeezes and shoulder hugs - I assume the hugs are from Louise. Perhaps that is obvious enough.

Louise feared she might blurt out - Louise is in the car, but I assume this is a reference to later in the day.

... after a wicked picture snatched the opportunity for impropriety. - I don't quite get what this meant.

Wasn’t it lucky he’d been buried and not cremated? - I assume this is because he is being moved, but the reader hasn't been told that yet.

He didn’t feel so ‘gone’ if she could still play with him. - I don't understand what this is saying? Is it some connection to the ring tones? Or is it something more subtle. I she playing in her mind?
     
Small, shaky footsteps, in high heels made her teeter up the steps. - Perhaps you need a transition from the end of the car journey?


Offline 510bhan

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Re: Part 4 - The Occasional Mistress
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2011, 10:23:46 AM »
Thanks for your comments folks. ;) ;) ;)

Silt

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Re: Part 4 - The Occasional Mistress
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2011, 10:43:23 AM »
sometimes i like to see if those who you commented on, return the favour.

but i've waited long enough

hello sio

In the car, the children remained silent too.

--

this could be reworded with less and still show the same. ie  

since the location is known, i believe in the last section they got into the car, you can remove that mention.

The children remained silent.  - you don't really need 'too' because then you shift the attention from the children and how they were feeling, to a comparison of someone else, so this lessens their emotional state.

--

Marty let his tears fall down his face uninterrupted and undisguised, Sasha sniffed and shook but neither of the children uttered a word.

Marty cried, Sasha shook, but neither spoke.   - again, let the story do some of the work. you have the atmosphere set already, so we know why they grieve. center on that one pain, that one moment. it puts less noise into those surroundings, if that makes any sense.

--

in the second para, I liked the idea of her sharing a personal moment with the memory of j-dub, I almost wanted her to leaf through the phone to occupy her mind and maybe come across his phone ringtone, and then connect it all through there, how it would be inappropriate for one to go off, and then turn the phone off, laugh a bit about how it would be funny if his rang during the service. I guess I wanted the connection better told of
him/her/ringtones/inappropriate behaviour. could be just me. but i like the scene and how they accepted each other as they were, without pretense.

--

you almost don't need 'their destination'  it is sort of implied, but can be used. I guess it depends on the writer. since they left with a destination in mind, to say, 'they were near' could show it rather than tell.

--

Of course it made perfect logical sense as his burial plot was behind his father. A funeral followed a death with such rapid dispatch that mourners and the bereaved had little time to check their emotions. There was bound to be a scene of some sort.

--

i think the above could go. keep her mind on what irks her, first the burial plot and then the house.

****

in truth, it reads fine as is. I'm just offering lil thoughts, but not demands for change.

hope more come to comment

silt
« Last Edit: March 20, 2011, 10:49:45 AM by Silt »

Offline RD Mohr

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Re: Part 4 - The Occasional Mistress
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2011, 10:46:59 AM »
Hey 510

Here are a few comments and suggestions, please take what you need or feel free to disregard them altogether!

RD


In the car, the children remained silent too. Occasional hand squeezes and shoulder hugs marked their journey (who's squeezing and hugging who?). Marty's let his tears fell down his face uninterrupted and undisguised, Sasha sniffed and shook and neither of the children uttered a word. Louise hoped she would be able to provide some maternal solace but was at a loss to work out how. She decided she would try and get through today the day without any dreadful faux pas and for the moment, that was best served by silence.

     Louise feared she might blurt out, or do something inappropriate that would require subsequent retraction and apology. Momentary panic made her fumble in her bag for her phone, past her leather cigarette purse and a squashy packet of tissues. until She found the hard plastic case identifying it and turned it off. She didn’t want the ring tone, Reet Petite, or the message tone, Smoke On The Water, to make an appearance in the middle of things and smiled to herself after a wicked picture snatched the opportunity for impropriety. Wasn’t it lucky he’d (who?) been buried and not cremated? She knew J-Dub wouldn’t have taken offence at her fancies, he loved her and he loved her mind – he always said so. He didn’t feel so ‘gone’ if she could still play with him. (Am I missing something here? Is this in reference to her son? Also not sure what "so gone" means.)
    
     A glance through the window revealed they were near their destination. She furrowed her brow and the earlier smile changed to a frown. It irked her that J-Dub’s body had been brought back to the North of Ireland for burial. Of course it made perfect logical sense, as his burial plot was behind his father. A funeral followed a death with such rapid dispatch that mourners and the bereaved had little time to check (deal with?) their emotions. There was bound to be a scene of some sort.
    
     That his ‘family home’ was his parent’s house annoyed Louise. She was married to him for twenty years and they lived in their own place. That was his family home . . . with his wife and family. Louise recognised the danger in dwelling upon something that ought to be a matter of nothing. Deep down, she didn’t care where he was buried, but it did highlight the way petty concerns became magnified when emotions were distraught. It further resolved her decision to say as little as possible.
    
     Small, shaky footsteps, in high heels made her teeter up the steps. (awkward) It was different somehow without J-Dub and Louise tried to banish the little mind snakes (disturbing thoughts?) that writhed through her consciousness. Her internal saboteur was having a field day and there was no J-Dub to call it to task.
   

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Part 4 - The Occasional Mistress
« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2011, 12:51:35 PM »
Hi guys - thanks for popping in and leaving comments - very much appreciated. I've used some of your suggestions and ignored others, I think the little tweaks make it stronger now. They are hugging and squeezing each other - no one else is in the car apart from the widow and her two children except the driver . . . he doesn't get any hugs. The 'mind snakes' are a big feature for this character throughout the book, they even get their own names so they have to stay. The 'family' thing is deliberate - I've removed the last one to change it to 'wife and children'.

J-Dub is the person she is thinking about - her dead husband that she has just buried. (lucky he was dead hey?) :P

Latest revision below:



       Occasional hand squeezes and shoulder hugs marked their journey. Marty cried and Sasha shook but neither uttered a word. Louise hoped she would be able to provide some maternal solace but was at a loss to work out how. Today, she decided, she would try and get through without any dreadful faux pas and for the moment, that was best served by silence.
     
     Louise feared she might blurt out, or do something inappropriate. Momentary panic made her fumble in bag for her phone past her leather cigarette purse and some squashy tissues. She found the hard plastic case and turned it off. She didn’t want the ring tone, Reet Petite, or the message tone, Smoke on the Water, to make an appearance in the middle of things and smiled to herself after a wicked picture snatched the opportunity for impropriety. Wasn’t it lucky he’d been buried and not cremated? She knew J-Dub wouldn’t have taken offence at her fancies, he loved her and he loved her mind – he always said so. He didn’t feel so ‘gone’ if she could still play with him.
     
     A glance through the window revealed familiar trees and houses. Not long now. She furrowed her brow. It irked her that J-Dub’s body had been brought back to the North of Ireland for burial. Of course, it made perfect sense as his burial plot was behind his father’s. A funeral followed a death with such rapid dispatch that those left behind had little time to check their emotions. There was bound to be a scene of some sort.
     
     The car’s tyres crunched up the gravel drive then halted in front of a red brick bungalow. Scrubbed doorsteps at the entrance porch were flanked by a pair of small bay trees. Very Presbyterian. That his ‘family home’ was his parent’s house seemed unfair to Louise. She was married to him for twenty years and they lived in their own place. That was his family home . . . with his wife and children. Louise recognised the danger in dwelling upon something that ought to be a matter of nothing. She didn’t care where he was buried, but it did highlight the way petty concerns became magnified when emotions were distraught. It further resolved her decision to say as little as possible and she slammed the car door behind her.
   
     She cursed her high heels. With small, shaky footsteps, she teetered up to the door. It was different somehow without J-Dub and Louise tried to banish the mind snakes that writhed through her consciousness. Her internal saboteur was having a field day and there was no J-Dub to call it to task.