Scene Outlines for first 3CH of Sci Fi

[Butterfly21]

Okay so i have been working on my opening scene and first 3 chapters
I would like to know if this order of scenes seems to flows ok
That is - if the opening scene is enough of a hook and if the 2 following chapters aren't too slow or uneventful


1

-   SND  - Surprise Night Drill
Ela and Tana woken by alarm (Dorm Monitor “SND - report to Training Sector C”)
Trix (intro) catches up to them upon exiting 1st Year complex
(Instructor “Get Moving!”) Tana flips him off once he is gone – Ela wary
Check-In Gate – In lines (Endon and Von introduced – engage in playful banter– competition)
Palm sized tablet collects Ela’s thumbprint – eyes are scanned (“No NV” [Night Vision])
Drill Scout puts her in a line – looking up at looming 8m wall – Spotlights
(Obstacle Course – OC)
Climb rope up 8m wall – down net over other side
Crawl through underground pipes (tunnels)
Climb over 3m wall – with partner (pair up with Tana)
Climb 6m net – climb down other side
Monkey Bars- 5m stretch - over water
Run across (balance) 4m long wooden planks suspended 1m above water
Crawl across hanging ropes (6m stretch) suspended 3m above water (Ela Falls)


2

-   On Tram Travelling to School Complex [Early Morning]
Ela and Tana are on hovertram – Quiet and Tired – Other girls in dorm are the same
Hovertram turns a corner – jolt agonised Ela’s sore body
REMembers – Had fallen from rope and was made to start again – drenched clothes made her heavier – she found it hard to keep her grip and not slip-began raining-4th time complete
She reached net –raining heavy – crawled beneath net through mud
Then had to run 300 ft – reached more mud she had to trudge through
Climbed net over wall – Ran some more – Climbed another wall
Had to carry rock above head through 1.25m deep water – water at her shoulders
By time she reached last few OBSt she was exhausted
Had to carry a heavy wooden log – accompanied by Tana and Trix through sand
Then had to sprint the last 100m to the Course finish
Ela – They knew how to work you until you wanted to break – but you weren’t allowed to
REM – Last course they did in Sector C [1mnth prior] – Girl in another dorm started crying – her punishment was a week in a detention cell – no less than 7 full days[168hrs]Confinement
Tram begins to slow down – trees became proper shapes – not a wall of green
Hovertram Functions – Magnets and underground tracks to travel on – No driver
Arrive at School Complex


-   Training Hall – Get Into Fight
Ela and Tana enter Training Hall - Students gather
They had all dressed in locker rooms – Static Body Suits [SBS]
A circle fighting ring -  Mat in ring creates static that interacts with SBS – records movements
Girls are in pairs – roommates – Ela and Tana are chosen first
Tana Vs first – Enters ring – Glass cage locks her and opponent inside (Tana wins)
Ela Vs girl from another dorm – Ela wins fight
Beaten – Girl mouths off/hurling insults (Tana shoves her)
Insults are then thrown at them both from the beaten pair – Ela punches her
The four break into a fist fight – Coach ushers Replicas to pull the four apart
Girl who started insults is told to go get ice for her face
(Coach “All Four – Detention- For now laps of gym for rest of the session”)
(Ela to Tana – “At least it’s a basic detention and not a concrete cell”)


3


-   Sneaking through Campus to Training Sector A (Lake) [NIGHT]
Ela and Tana sneak out of dorm complex avoiding guards and surveillance cameras
Hide from passing hovercar – creep across field (Tana does Egyptian dance) Ela wary – she doesn’t want to get caught and have to trade in her 1hr library detention for a week in a cell
Climb fence into Sector A – hide behind bushes
Endon – Von and Trix meet up with them (Infrared Binoculars - broke into Tech Building and stole)
Spying on 3rd Years training session (wetsuits)
Bomb lowered into water – disarming underwater (Endon brags about being smart)
Replicas (guards) Stedner (Teacher) Sensor tripped – Replicas are notified
Must escape TSA (punishment – detention cell) Stedner is coming – roaming flashlight –
Ela is slowest climbing up fence – Trix helps Ela over and they manage to escape just in time

[Kiryana]

OK, so I read over it a few times. And I'm going to blame it on my lack of imagination. For me it's like reading a 3x5 card with notes for a big test. Without having previously read the material and having a reference it's hard to put it into any kind of perspective. I can see where you are going with it to some extent. I think if you worked out at least the introduction so I could get an idea of the characters and have more than just a name to link them to I could put the next 2 chapters together quite easily. Anywho, looking forward to seeing a rough draft incoming soon.

Kir

[Butterfly21]

yep yep
i knew itd be confusing to people who hadn't read the second draft of my ch1 but i posted it just incase anyone was able to understand and make sense of it
i hope to write out the SND scene soon
i did have a different scene as the opening but i decided to cut it from the opening and that one is actually ch3 lol
but here's the link for that scene in case you want to read and get a better idea of the characters and environment etc
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=33836.0

im currently sorting out th rest of my scenes for act one of this story so once ive done that i hope i can write the SND scene and be able to post up for feedback
 

[Tony_A20]

Scene one.   Too many characters. Who are the major characters, who are the minor characters? Who is the protagonist?

The purpose of any story beginning, be it a book or screenplay, is to introduce the protagonist, perhaps another major character, established the location and premise for the story. The viewer/reader should also learned what type of stories is being told.

Why is this night drill happening? Why the identification procedure? Why so much time spent climbing and crawling? How are these activities helping in the story?

You are visualizing these, and the following activities, without considering the overall story development. The viewer/reader should understand almost immediately why this story is being told, who the important characters are, why they are important, and what the story is about. A script can depend upon set dressing, costumes, and pace, to assist in setting the scene and introducing the characters. However, each scene must still have a focus and ensure the basic requirements of story development are met.

The second scene, and the scenes following have similar problems with establishing location, purpose, and characters. Why have Ela remember falling from a rope, when in the previous scene it was shown? Do you think the audience missed it or has forgotten already?

Don't write scenes in point form. The reason for a scene outline  is to provide some description of the purpose of the scene, what is happening in the scene, which characters are in the scene, and perhaps some dialogue.

Since this is the "Review My Script" thread, please use a script  format.

Tony