Author Topic: First Chapter of Horror Novel  (Read 3491 times)

Offline SheWritesRight

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First Chapter of Horror Novel
« on: January 25, 2006, 03:16:17 PM »
This is the first chapter of my yet unfinished horror novel.

Please let me know what you think whether it's good or bad and whether it makes you want to read on...

Chapter One

Neville Johnson hurried out of the upstairs study and ran to the top of the stairs. Behind him thunder roared and lightening flashed, filling the room with bright pulsating colours.

“CATHALU!” the voice thundered behind him. “ABADDEN I invoke you!”

There was no time to stop and look back. In fear of his life, Neville Johnson didn’t even believ e that he had time to run down the stairs so instead he jumped over the banister railing and dropped to the floor below.

Too late he realised what a long drop it was. He braced himself for a painful landing.

CRACK!

Neville wasn’t sure if he actually heard the sound but he definitely felt it as both his ankles broke simultaneously as soon as his feet hit the floor below.

The pain made him fall onto his side and scream, but nothing could be heard above the din coming from the study.

The pain shot up his thighs and into his groin.

With his mouth open wide he continued to scream, afraid to move because he knew that would make the pain worse, but also knowing that he had to escape his tormentor or be killed.
So much had happened recently and so many had died.

Now he laid there feeling more helpless than he ever had done so far and he couldn’t stop screaming.

Then the chanting began.

“Nema reve dna reverof, yrolg eht
Dna rewop eht, modgnik eht si eniht rof.”

Neville knew the thing upstairs meant to kill him and was invoking and employing as many evil demons as it could to destroy him. He needed help.

Why had he jumped over the upstairs railing? He shouldn’t have allowed himself to panic the way he did. But he had been taken completely by surprise when the creature had suddenly manifested itself before him.

The wizard towered over him and must have been at least seven feet tall. It wore a long black hooded robe and its face was obscured by the blackness within the hood, except for a pair of red glowing eyes.

Neville Johnson had already seen the warning and knew that if he feared the wizard then he would die. But he couldn’t help being afraid when it suddenly appeared and so he had fled.

Now he lay cursing himself for having reacted the way he did and not simply running straight down the stairs and carrying on out the front door. But it was too late now for regrets. The front door may as well be a million miles away because he could never make it in time with the pain he was in.

His only hope of surviving was if he could reach the telephone that sat on a small table a few feet away. But would anyone be able to get there fast enough to help him? It didn’t matter. It was his only chance and he had to try.

He put his palms flat on the floor and pushed himself up slightly. The excruciating pain in his legs made him scream even louder and higher.

As he began to move he heard footsteps on the landing and the dreaded voice sounded much closer.

“Live morf su reviled tub,
Noitatpmet otni ton su dael dna.”

As Neville heard the words he knew exactly what the wizard was saying. It was reciting the Lord’s Prayer in reverse. This was a common incantation but he knew that the wizard was powerful enough to use these simple words for great evil.

Neville Johnson was scared. He was more afraid than he’d ever been in his whole life, and recently many things had made him afraid, but not like this one.

The pain from moving was great but his fear of dying was greater. Neville inched along the carpet, screaming all the time. His throat hurt and his open mouth ached, but his screams continued regardless.

“Su tsniaga ssapsert ohw esoht evigrof ew sa.”

The wizard was getting closer to the top of the stairs. Neville continued screaming as he inched along, dragging his legs behind him. He wasn’t sure if he was screaming from the pain or his partial loss of sanity because he knew he couldn’t stop screaming even if he wanted to, but right now, he didn’t want to. Too much had already happened these last few weeks and his mind was struggling to cope with this new surreal reality he now found himself in.

Coloured lightning continued to pulsate and thunder clapped loudly and continuously, only now it was all around him.

He used his arms to pull himself along the floor. The pain made him feel nauseous and he came close to passing out. His progress was slow, almost non existent, but he had to keep trying because time was running out. The wizard was now at the top of the stairs and continued to chant.

“Sessapsert ruo su evigrof dna,
Daerb yliad ruo.”

Neville turned briefly and glanced up the stairs. The wizard’s head was turned and its eyes were upon him. Neville started to shake uncontrollably and heaved himself forward as fast as he could.

The pain from his ankles bolted all the way up to his chest and Neville screamed harshly, his throat already dry and sore. He reached forward as far as possible and his fingers just managed to touch the telephone lead. He leaned a fraction further and yanked the wire towards himself. The telephone clattered onto the floor and the cordless receiver landed by his chest.

“YAD SIHT SU EVIG!”

Neville glanced up the stairs again and saw that the wizard had its arms raised and its hands pointing skywards.

Despite his fear and pain, Neville noticed that although the wizard’s arms were raised vertically, it’s long, loose sleeves still covered the full length of its arms and didn’t slip back to its shoulders as anyone else’s would. It was a simple thing to notice and he wondered why, in amongst all this horror, his logical mind picked up on such a triviality. But he paid scant attention to these thoughts. There was no time left to think about anything but escaping this waking nightmare.

He picked up the receiver in his trembling hands and pressed the ‘talk’ button. The red light illuminated to show that the receiver was connected and he could now dial 999. He wasn’t sure what he would say or how he would speak because he was still screaming.

As though sensing it was running out of time, the wizard chanted faster.

“Nevaeh ni si ti sa htrae no
Enod eb lliw yht
Emoc modgnik yht
Eman yht eb dewollah
NEVAEH NI TRA OHW REHTAF RUO!”

It screamed the last sentence as loud as it could, just as Neville pressed 9 for the third time.

The sudden searing pain in the back of his head and down his spine told him that the incantation had worked. He’d fought so long and hard lately and defeated everything that had tried to destroy him. He had beaten them right up until this last battle, but this personification of evil standing above him was his Waterloo.

The pain from his ankles now seemed to be spreading. It felt as though every bone in his body was breaking one by one. The pain was unbearable, more than any human could cope with. Neville felt his consciousness slipping away as the pain increased. It was as though he was leaving his body and the breaking bones now belonged to someone else.

His screaming abruptly ceased but his mouth stayed open. A low guttural sound began deep in his throat and gradually became louder before fading away.

Slowly he began to fall forward, until his face pressed firmly into the carpet and his arms lay limply by his sides. The telephone lay near by, useless and forgotten.

“Hello. Emergency services. Which service do you require?” came the voice from the telephone receiver.

“Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?”

But no one heard

Neville Johnson was dead and the empty house was now quiet as a tomb

END.


Whenever I'm doing something else, I know I should be writing.
Whenever I'm writing, I know there are other things I should be doing.

Offline Foxy

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Re: First Chapter of Horror Novel
« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2006, 03:35:05 PM »
I liked this and I would like to read more. The reader is thrust straight into the middle of the action, which is great. Only one minor quibble, and this is just my opinion, but there seems to be a rather excessive use of the word "Pain", but that may just be to my eyes. Maybe other, more experienced members will think differently.

Overall I think it is an enjoyable read and I look forward to reading more contributions from you writelady.

Patrick
My novel, Trinity, available from Amazon.
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Blog: One Loose Cannon http://wp.me/2fgNI

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Offline SheWritesRight

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Re: First Chapter of Horror Novel
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2006, 02:21:27 AM »
Patrick

Thanks for your comments.  I'm glad you enjoyed it. 

I've taken on board what you said about the overuse of the word pain and you're right, I've used it 3 times in one short paragraph.

Thanks again.
Whenever I'm doing something else, I know I should be writing.
Whenever I'm writing, I know there are other things I should be doing.

Offline bttrfly972

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Re: First Chapter of Horror Novel
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2006, 11:17:09 AM »
Writelady,

Excellent!!!!  I love this kind of story, with evil and religious undertones.  I thought the Lord's Prayer in reverse is great and I definetly want to read more of this.  Will you post Chapter Two?


Bttrfly972/Victoria
~Dreams are visions of things to come~

Offline GlennQ

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Re: First Chapter of Horror Novel
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2006, 11:36:07 AM »
Hi -

I thought that was fantastic, and read through it avidly!  Great pace.  I'd agree with the points regarding the word 'pain', and also I would remove the sentence which refers to the personification of evil being his 'Waterloo'.  I would rethink this completely, and keep it in context with the darkness you have so excellently created.  Something like "as the last dribblings of life ebbed from him, he knew that this foul thing had proved to be his nemesis, his final undoing".

Keep up the good work!

Glenn

Offline SheWritesRight

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Re: First Chapter of Horror Novel
« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2006, 12:45:17 PM »
Bttrfly972 & GlennQ

Thanks for taking the time to comment on my work and thanks a million for enjoying it.

I think nemesis is a good word and I've taken your advice on board.

I don't think I'll be posting ALL the chapters but I hope to get the book published this year which I'll trumpet loudly when it happens.

Fingers crossed.
Whenever I'm doing something else, I know I should be writing.
Whenever I'm writing, I know there are other things I should be doing.

Offline Rebecca Anne

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Re: First Chapter of Horror Novel
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2006, 09:44:59 AM »
Hi Writelady,
     Wonderful beginning to the story.  I also would like to see what comes next.  But I have a complaint--the viewpoint character has entered into a new kind of reality, but now he's dead and I don't get to find out any more about that reality!  You've got me interested in the character, but now he's gone.  Does he come back from the dead?  Will there be a new viewpoint character? I'm hooked, don't be cruel!
Rebecca Anne

Offline SheWritesRight

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Re: First Chapter of Horror Novel
« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2006, 11:19:12 AM »
Rebecca Anne

Thanks for your comments and I'm glad the first chapter has you hooked.  I'm glad I posted it for comment because the feed-back from everyone has been brilliant and so helpful.

You're right that the viewpoint character has gone and he doesn't really come back, well not alive anyway.  The rest of the novel explains how he got into that situation in the first place and also loads more strange and horrible things happen with the new viewpoint character ending up in almost the same situation. He saw it coming but it was too late to change anything.

I used Nick's course to write the book but it's now in it's third edit.  I hope to be finished with it soon.


Whenever I'm doing something else, I know I should be writing.
Whenever I'm writing, I know there are other things I should be doing.

Offline Ebru

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Re: First Chapter of Horror Novel
« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2006, 10:48:27 AM »
I thought that was a great read and it sure kept me glued on.......... i have to agree with Rebecca, I was really getting into the Neville character so would like to know what happens but after reading your reply back to Rebecca i'm glad Neville will be back in some sort of way even if it means his dead.

Good work and good luck

Ebru

Offline keyspoet

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Re: First Chapter of Horror Novel
« Reply #9 on: January 30, 2006, 01:49:32 PM »
Great beginning, Write Lady -

Beginning in the middle of the action is always a great start.  I agree with previous posts that you may wish to find additional words to describe "pain", but I was drawn right in, and am looking forward to your further posts.

Keep writing!
Cori