Another Scene From My Script

[Technofear]

Okay, I posted this over in the other review board, before this on was created (thanks again), but it was ignored, so I thought I'd publish it here for your opinions. I had to edit it down to meet this board's word limit. You'd be proud of me, I've got it down to 999...

INT. SPORT'S BAR- DAY

Jason, Worse and Sandeep walk into the bar. Sandeep is "on"- head back, good posture, big, beaming smile. Jason and Worse take up the rear, looking less comfortable. This is Sandeep's domain.

They pause look around. It‘s practically empty-  a group sitting in one corner, two pretty girls and a very fat man standing at the bar.

JASON
Well, this is wall-to-wall.

SANDEEP
It's early. Anyway, we're not gonna be here long.

They walk up to the bar. Worse pulls out his wallet.

WORSE
My round. What you having?

SANDEEP
Pint.

JASON
Lager Top.

WORSE (To Bartender)
Two pints of the usual and one glorified Shandy please, mate.

Bartender nods and walks away. Worse takes a tenner out of his pocket and hands it to Jason.

WORSE
Take care of this. I forgot to take a shit before we left.

JASON
Nice.

Jason takes the money. Worse walks away.

SANDEEP
I‘ll be right back, too. Gotta get money out of the machine.

Sandeep leaves. Jason stands at the bar, looking around, feeling out of place. accidentally, he catches the eye of one of the girls standing at the bar. She's tall, slim, beautiful, wearing a low-cut black top and jeans. She is Sarah.

She smiles at him. Jason at first seems flustered, then, enjoying the attention, smiles back.

JASON
Hi.

SARAH
Hi.

She moves closer.

JASON
Is it too much of a cliché to say “I've never seen you here before?"

Sarah laughs.

SARAH
No. Would it be cliché to say the same thing to you?

JASON
No, but that's only because I haven't been here for a while.

SARAH
How long's a while?

JASON
About seven years.

SARAH
Wow. That is a while. Thought you only meant a couple of months or something. I'm Sarah.

JASON
Jason.

The Bartender returns with the drinks.

BARTENDER
Sorry about the wait. We had to change the barrel.

JASON
S'alright.

He hands over the note. The Bartender gives him his change and leaves. Jason looks down at the change in his hand.

JASON
Blimey, that was expensive.

SARAH
You‘re telling me.

JASON
Never used to be that expensive here. Ah well, what am I complaining about? Not my money.

SARAH
You're here with those two other guys, right? The Asian guy and the scary one?

Jason laughs.

JASON
Yeah, Worse and Sandeep. They're good boys. You know them?

SARAH
I've spoken with Sandeep a little. He’s nice. Not really spoken with your other mate, only a little bit. I'm sure he's alright, but he comes across as a little...

JASON
Scary?

She laughs.

SARAH
Yeah.

JASON
That's all for show. He's a sweetheart really.

SARAH
Really?

JASON
No.

They laugh.

JASON
No, he's not. but he's a good bloke. Don't mean anything by it.

Jason is clearly enjoying himself.

JASON
Would you like a drink?

SARAH
Weren‘t you just moaning about the prices?

JASON
Ah, that don‘t matter. We're British. It's our cultural duty to complain about everything.

She smiles.

SARAH
Vodka and Coke.

Jason calls the Bartender over and orders the drink, which the bartender prepares and he pays for.

SARAH
Thank you.

JASON
My pleasure.

SARAH
I really should go back over to me mate. She gets pissed off when I spend too long talking to a bloke.

JASON
Insecure type?

SARAH
Practically in love with me.

JASON
Fair enough. I'll let you back to your "date".

She smiles, before heading back down the bar. Jason smiles, very pleased with himself, and takes a sip of his drink.

Sandeep returns.

SANDEEP
Which's mine?

JASON (Pointing at the two other drinks)
Either of those.

Sandeep takes a sip before noting Jason's happiness.

SANDEEP
What's up with you?

Jason leans closer to Sandeep so he can speak quieter and still be heard.

JASON
I got chatted up.

SANDEEP
Fuck off.

JASON
God's honest truth. You'd have been proud of me, mate. I was on fire. I mean, I wasn't gonna take it anywhere, because, y'know, me girlfriend, but it's nice to know that somebody else finds me sexually attractive.

Sandeep nods, before discreetly looking around.

SANDEEP
By who?

He notices the Fat Bloke.

SANDEEP
Please tell me it weren't by him.

JASON
No!

SANDEEP
Good. I'm open-minded, but he's not very pretty.

JASON
No, the girl over there.

Jason nods in the direction of the girls. Sandeep looks over, and his face drops.

SANDEEP
Which one?

JASON
The one with the dark hair. Sarah.

SANDEEP
Did you buy her that drink?

JASON
Yeah. Why?

SANDEEP
Yeah mate, um, there's something you should know about her.

JASON
Boyfriend?

SANDEEP
No, she's...

He leans in closer. Jason takes a sip of his drink.

SANDEEP
She's fourteen.

Jason spits his drink back into the glass.

JASON
WHAT!?

SANDEEP
Fourteen.

JASON
Bollocks.

SANDEEP
God‘s honest. She got me. Luckily, I realised before I took her home.

JASON
How? She looks older than me.

SANDEEP
I thought I recognised her all night, and then I clocked it. Remember that bloke we went to school with, Doug Satchel?

Jason thinks, then looks horrified.

JASON
That's never his sister!

SANDEEP
That's always his sister.

JASON
Fuck...

SANDEEP
My sentiments exactly.

JASON
She's...

SANDEEP
Beautiful?

JASON
Yeah.

SANDEEP
She knows it as well. I've been here some nights when she hasn't paid for a single drink.

Jason looks over at her vindictively, as she sips the drink he bought for her.

JASON
Really?

SANDEEP
Yeah.

Worse reappears, putting his arms around both of them.

WORSE
Sorry I was so long. there was no paper in the stall. Had to waddle round each one until I found enough to sort meself. How's everybody feeling?

JASON
Terrible, I think I deserve to be castrated.

WORSE
Fan-fucking-tastic.

He picks up his drink to toast

WORSE
here's to the reunion. Social corona.

Sandeep holds his drink to Worse's.

SANDEEP
Social corona.

Jason seems reluctant, but eventually does the same.

JASON
Social corona.

They then take huge gulps of their drinks.

[Matthew]

Jason, Worse and Sandeep walk into the bar. Sandeep is "on"- head back, good posture, big, beaming smile. Jason and Worse take up the rear, looking less comfortable. This is Sandeep's domain.

They pause look around. It‘s practically empty-  a group sitting in one corner, two pretty girls and a very fat man standing at the bar.

JASEN, WORSE, and SANDEEP walk into the bar. SANDEEP is in a good mood, while the other two look less comfortable.

They pause to look around. The bar is practically empty--a group sitting in a corner and two pretty girls and a very fat man at the bar.

Your writing needs to be proof-read. There are a lot of little mistakes here and there which could cost you in the long run. I remember from the other thread that you mention that it could be a difference in writing style--but there is hardly any different in writing style when it comes to scripts. There is good and bad. Your script isn't bad, but it does need work. I suggest proof-reading each scene when after you're finished it. This way it doesn't build up.

You also cannot treat a script like a book. Take the part I suggested above. The people watching you movie would instantly recognize that Sandeep is in his domain by how comfortable he looks and feels. Instead of just saying "This is Sandeep's domain," you could write in actions for the other characters, such as: "JASON and WORSE look around nervously."

Good luck.

[Top Cat]

This is a good scene.  As with the others you posted in the other section, the dialogue is very good and natural. 
You can tighten up the writing a little here and there I think.
There was only one part I had a little trouble with.   Jason buys Sara a drink and your action line says that the bartender prepares the drink and Jason pays for it.  What do your characters (and audience) do while this is going on?  That would be a fairly long span of just watching a bartender make a drink.  You should have your characters make a little more conversation while this action is going on.  Then just have the bartender set down the drink and Jason pay for it.  The bartender isn't the main focus here, so what he is doing should just be natural background action.

I like these scenes very much.  Looking forward to reading some more.

T.C.

[ChipTee]

Techno - I like the scene, I believe in it and feel it would make good cinema - here comes the but...

I think it is long on dialogue, I think that more can be made of the body language between the three, also Jason and Sarah. Agree with TopCat on the barman interlude, but feel non verbal interplay between J & S will work to keep the audience interested in them.

More than once script I have submitted in the past has been critiqued as too verbal in what is primarily a visual medium.

Still it is a good scene and will improve on rewrites.

Chip

[Technofear]

This is a good scene.  As with the others you posted in the other section, the dialogue is very good and natural. 
You can tighten up the writing a little here and there I think.
There was only one part I had a little trouble with.   Jason buys Sara a drink and your action line says that the bartender prepares the drink and Jason pays for it.  What do your characters (and audience) do while this is going on?  That would be a fairly long span of just watching a bartender make a drink.  You should have your characters make a little more conversation while this action is going on.  Then just have the bartender set down the drink and Jason pay for it.  The bartender isn't the main focus here, so what he is doing should just be natural background action.

I like these scenes very much.  Looking forward to reading some more.

T.C.

I was hoping to either film that with the two of them giving goo-goo eyes at each other, or do a little stylised montage of the drink being made. Sort of like the "shoot-up" montages in "Requium For A Dream", but different. I also like the idea of using that as an excuse for more dialogue. That's a good suggestion.

[Technofear]

Jason, Worse and Sandeep walk into the bar. Sandeep is "on"- head back, good posture, big, beaming smile. Jason and Worse take up the rear, looking less comfortable. This is Sandeep's domain.

They pause look around. It‘s practically empty-  a group sitting in one corner, two pretty girls and a very fat man standing at the bar.

JASEN, WORSE, and SANDEEP walk into the bar. SANDEEP is in a good mood, while the other two look less comfortable.

They pause to look around. The bar is practically empty--a group sitting in a corner and two pretty girls and a very fat man at the bar.

Your writing needs to be proof-read. There are a lot of little mistakes here and there which could cost you in the long run. I remember from the other thread that you mention that it could be a difference in writing style--but there is hardly any different in writing style when it comes to scripts. There is good and bad. Your script isn't bad, but it does need work. I suggest proof-reading each scene when after you're finished it. This way it doesn't build up.

You also cannot treat a script like a book. Take the part I suggested above. The people watching you movie would instantly recognize that Sandeep is in his domain by how comfortable he looks and feels. Instead of just saying "This is Sandeep's domain," you could write in actions for the other characters, such as: "JASON and WORSE look around nervously."

Good luck.

I understand where you're coming from, but I come from the school of thought, and there are other screenwriters working in Holywood who believe the same, that there's nothing wrong with throwing in little "asides" in your script for no other reason that to make the reading a more pleasurable experience. Plus, I've shown some of my actor friends my stuff in the past (although not this scene yet), and they have told me they like those little bits of business, as it can help them get into a character's head from the first read, before you even sit down and start discussing him.

[Technofear]

Techno - I like the scene, I believe in it and feel it would make good cinema - here comes the but...

I think it is long on dialogue, I think that more can be made of the body language between the three, also Jason and Sarah. Agree with TopCat on the barman interlude, but feel non verbal interplay between J & S will work to keep the audience interested in them.

More than once script I have submitted in the past has been critiqued as too verbal in what is primarily a visual medium.

Still it is a good scene and will improve on rewrites.

Chip

It's a wordy scene, I'll admit, but, really, for my first film, I'm expecting words to be the only thing I'm going to be able to afford.

 

This, and the other scenes I've posted, are not really a snapshot of what the entire film will be about. There's two themes I'm working with- to write both a love letter and piece of hate mail to the place I was born, and to examine the reality of masculine friendships. I've felt for a long time that many male friendships we've seen presented to us on screen are very much feminine constructs, and don't really get into what it's like for men to be friends, and how we deal with it when one of them, for lack of a better word, breaks your heart. So I want to put a lot of emphisis on what goes unsaid, as opposed to what does.